Overreaction Update

Bad boys bad boys! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?


It was self-defense pankey. Deny deny deny

Where's Waldo?

Hey remember this guy? I had all the books and I remember my favorite was the one where Waldo traveled through time. He went to caveman days, ancient Rome, ancient China, medieval times, even (gasp) the future. However, I always felt there was one time period missing and it turns out I was right. See if you can find Waldo hiding in the early 90s:

Guess Who's Back?!!

The man. The legend. Lastings Darnell Milledge!

I've missed my boy in the argyle sweater. He's off to a decent start--308/351/442 with only one jack. Captain redass can suck my balls, though. We'll see how the modern day Hank Aaron performs in his return to Shea and what kind of welcome the fans give him. Those fuckers out at the stadium better cheer him and then throw bottles at Omar's box, otherwise this fanbase has truly jumped the shark (booing Johan? BLASPHEMY!).

Well, actually, I hope Pelfrey shuts 'em down. And I get to watch this series on MASN! Sweet!

I wish I had known about this 9 years ago

In 7th grade we had a science fair sort of. Actually, it was a "consumer fair" where we had to find a product and test out different brands to see which was the best. Then we had to make a huge posterboard to display the results and be prepared to present our findings to a panel of objective judges. I had no idea what to do and I didn't get in with a group fast enough, so I just copied another group and did steel wool pads. I had Brillo vs. SOS vs. some generic Key Food brand or something. And you know what? They were all the fucking same, but I had to come up with charts and graphs and shit to show some sort of difference (and my mom used to opportunity to get me to clean the oven). Anyway, it was all a huge waste of time, especially since the other steel wool group blew me out of the water with a superior posterboard. But today I realized what I should have done all those years ago---KNIVES!

That's Warhol you cultureless mooks

Inspired by #1 on this list from Cracked, I now realize I should have gotten my mom to shell out a few easy payments to the good folks at Miracle Blade and Ronco so I could test out knives. I could filet fish, cut hammers, throw random fruits in the air and try to slice them, throw the knives at Derek Jeter or Leonardo DiCaprio posters (my two most hated people in those days..fuck Titanic!). Either way we'd have some sweet knives at home, and coming up with the experiments would have been significantly more interesting than those for steel wool. Really, though, this is not the time to dwell on the past; what's done is done. But we can still look to the future, and what people of the current time need to know is: which knife is best? Should we trust creepy leatherface Ron Ronco and the impressed American audience, or boring ass Chef Tony and the snooty French onlookers? (Commercials are in 2 parts) You decide:







VS.





I think I got most of the ads in there. As anyone who knows me well can tell you, I am bound to be partial to Ronco because, simply put, I think that is the greatest bit of programming ever put on television. Any time I see that ad I drop what I'm doing and watch. But since I just found out about Miracle Blade, I'll be fair and lay out the pros and cons of our combatants so you can make an informed decision.


RONCO Pros:

• Gets rid of unwanted in-laws (har har) w/ obscenely small sandwiches
• Sharper than a samurai sword-BANSAI!
• Comes w/ tons of stuff (600 steak knives! solid flavor injector!)
• Cuts hammers, oranges
  
• Cheaper than those motherfucking $900 Kraut knives, those Nazi schmucks

RONCO Cons:

• You apparently have to tell all your friends about them, which Ronco will monitor with high-powered surveillance equipment
• Personally delivered by Ron Popeil, who won't leave your house until you give him a fifth of scotch and listen to him talk about life back in the 19dicketies

• 

MIRACLE BLADE Pros:

• Can cut a pineapple....in MID FUCKING AIR
• Accuhandle super powers---rock and chop, bitches
• Perfection series presumably perfect
• Cuts hammers, oranges, sheet rock
  
• Works even for those with stiff hands
• Seems to appeal to I-ties
  

MIRACLE BLADE Cons:

• Fewer knives and accoutrement than Ronco
• Chef Tony throws away everything he cuts; hey dickfuck, there are starving people in China and shit
• Seems to appeal to I-ties

So who wins? You decide.

Lessons from overreactions throughout history

Sometimes things happen. Then people react in violent or ridiculous ways. What can we learn from these things?8000 BC?
Action: People are sinning and shit.
Reaction: God fucking kills everyone with a huge flood.
Consequences: Noah builds an ark and saves all the animals; forced incest for repopulation of earth. Evan Almighty.
Lessons: Yahweh will fuck your shit up. Steve Carrell can't really carry a vehicle without hilarious supporting performances.

6000 BC
Action: The enslaved Israelites are shitting out kids left and right making Pharaoh nervous of their growing population.
Reaction: Instead of implementing a sensible family planning program like Communist China, Pharaoh decides to just drown all the male babies.
Consequences: Moses goes river rafting, talks to God, unleashes 10 plagues (including one that kills a bunch of Egyptian kids--karma, bitches) leads Jews out of Egypt, drowns army in Red Sea. Charlton Heston becomes a star despite being a crazy gun-nut with no acting ability.
Lessons: Don't go killing babies unless you're prepared to face the wrath of Yahweh. Charlton Heston was a dickfuck.

1776
Action: British put taxes on tea and stamps and shit.
Reaction: American colonists start revolution, beginning around Boston because they do not like taxes. Fucking Massholes.
Consequences: Long, drawn out war of attrition. Birth of America. Mel Gibson makes The Patriot, which was just as long as but much much worse than Braveheart.
Lessons: Stupid ass Americans go apeshit over taxes. We are better than English people. Mel Gibson needed to chill on the period pieces.

1914
Action: Gavrilo Princip assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
Reaction: Everyone goes to war over one dipshit.
Consequences: Like 14 million dead people or so; Soviets take over Russia.
Lessons: As George Washington warned us: avoid long-term or entangling alliances. Also, one dead guy is not worth a war. Except maybe Jose Reyes. I can't think of a WWI movie.

1941
Action: The Japanese crash a bunch of planes into ships at Pearl Harbor.
Reaction: US puts Japanese-Americans in internment camps. Drops nukes on Japan.
Consequences: Presumably, an earlier end to the Pacific war. Fucked up radioactive people. This Carlos Menstealia bit. That movie Pearl Harbor.
Lessons: Don't crash planes into our shit, because America will fuck your country up. Mind of Mencia is probably the worst thing ever to happen to comedy. Michael Bay doesn't fucking know how to make movies despite huge budgets and tons of special effects.

2005
Action: Dtro and teammate lose beer pong game to a couple of girls.
Reaction: I punch a hole in the wall.
Consequences: Nothing really.
Lessons: Punching a wall is an acceptable way to vent anger and frustration. I take beer pong too seriously. I drink too much.

2008
Action: Some girl at work pours soda on Pankey.
Reaction: Pankey throws hot tea on her.
Consequences: Pankey is fired. Girl is not.
Lessons: You cannot pour hot liquids on girls, unless they ask you to or give you a look that tells you they want it.

Baseball is back...

...and guess what? The Mets fucking suck. Well not totally, but they're 2-4 as of today and they already wasted a great start by Santana. And why do the Mets suck?

My short answer is the combination of the two men in the center of this picture. Willie Randolph is still a bad manager and Scott Schoeneweis (correct spelling) cannot get righties out. However, somebody neglected to tell Willie this fact, and so he let that fuck pitch to Rollins and Victorino who got hits and loaded the bases for Carlos "Ironhands" Delgado to make an error(Feliciano was in PR on family business, but I get the feeling Willie wouldn't have used him anyway). Fuckity fuck. That game yesterday (and thank god I can't watch them down here, b/c I would break my hand punching a fridge) was very reminiscent of last September. As I intimated in my reactions to the Santana trade this team's lineup is pretty weak after Beltran (not to mention Jose isn't getting on base so far) so we really need our pitching to step up. Pedro's hurt and Willie really likes Scho and Sosa, so we may be up shit creek here.












In other baseball news: LCT's and Pankey's team suck too. Worse than the Mets, so far. In a comment on my last post I made some cursory predictions for the MLB this year. I have decided to amend these, cop out style, with the benefit of a week+ of games. Here they go:

AL:
EAST-Red Sox---they are the best team in the AL still
CENTRAL-Indians--more complete than the Tigers, w/ the best 1-2 punch in baseball
WEST-Angels--the Mariners still suck in my opinion and the Angels are good enough, even with Lackey and Escobar hurt, to win this shit-ass division
WILD CARD-Tigers--I can't bring myself to pick the Yank$ and I assume these guys are gonna start hitting like motherfuckers
MVP-Manny Ramirez--he's off to a hot start and will get tons of RBIs on that team, barely edges out Miguel Cabrera (EDIT: and maybe ARod)
CY YOUNG-Fausto Carmona--he's my favorite pitcher in the AL; just fucking nasty
ROY-Fuck should I know?

NL:
EAST-Mets--I know I said they suck, but they're still good; I still like their rotation better than the Braves or Philthies
CENTRAL-Cubs--Sorry, peanut. They're better all-around than the Brewers with an adequate lineup and deepish rotation in a weak division
WEST-D'backs--Sorry, pankey. Webb and Haren plus all their young hitters improving makes them my favorite. This division is really tight except for the Giants. To me, the Rockies don't have the pitching, the Padres don't have the hitting, and the Dodgers will find too much time for Juan Pierre no matter what Torre says. (Addendum, Ned Coletti is really really stupid)
WILD CARD-Braves--I know, I know. How can I pick the Braves, when I can't bring myself to pick the Yank$? I hate to pick them, but they have a very good lineup and enough pitching to beat out the Phillies. The Brewers should put up a good fight until Ben Sheets ruptures his spleen in July, and the teams in the West are just gonna beat the shit out of each other.
MVP-David Wright--DWright will lock up his second in a row with another outstanding year...what? what's that you say? Jimmy Rollins won last year because his team won one more game despite Wright outplaying him in basically every facet of the game? Despite him being the 3rd or possibly 4th best hitter on his own team? Fuck that shit.
CY YOUNG-Johan Santana--I don't like to be too homerish or make wild predictions. But Johan will win 42 games with a 0.23 ERA and 400+ strikeouts. Roughly.
ROY-You ever get mad at a roofed-in stadium and don't know exactly how to express your anguish? Say it with me: FUK-U-DOME.

Up next: I feel like I should talk about the pregnant dude. Fucking creepy as shit.