Movie Reviews based on nothing whatsoever

As an often broke and generally cheap person it can be hard to decide how to have fun on the weekends. Do I go to a bar and frivolously spend the money from my ever dwindling mutual fund once I get into that state of drunkenness where my largesse exceeds my means? Should I try to get KK Hollidae to get some pot from her friend knowing that it will mean I might have to see that girl with razor burn on her face with whom I once had an experience I'd prefer to forget? Perhaps I should try to have some substance-free fun by hustling some street ball with my boy Sidney before going home to my annoying voiced Latina girlfriend.* Of course, there's always the option of going to the movies and gorging myself on delicious popcorn. Everyone likes going to the movies, but as an often broke and generally cheap person it's hard to decide what movie to spend my money on. Knowing that others face a similar problem, I have decided to run down this weekend's top 5 box office films to let you know which ones are worth your 10 or 11 bucks. Enjoy, and remember that these reviews are based on conjecture, preconceived notions, and my baseless personal opinions:

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Summary: a light, forthy romp through the halls of Strathmore High as the seniors deal with the ups and downs of dating, friendships, schoolwork, and thinking about their future. Super-couple Benjamin and Kiara**, played by Zac "FagBangs" Efron and Vanessa "Turtle Wax" Hudgens, are having some difficulties in their relationship knowing they are going to colleges on opposite sides of the country (Efron scored an 11 on the ACT and only got offers from to play hoops at local JuCos, while Hudgens was accepted to Columbia's prestigious racial quota program). While mostly a fun, entertaining and family-friendly movie, HSM3:SY really knocks it out of the park by exploring the darker side of teenagedom: La'Quae confronts racial taunting, Jeannie has to deal with a pregnancy resulting from gymnastics coach-rape, and Hunter struggles to deal with an abusive father and falls in with the barbituate crowd.

Should I see it: Yes, if you like sucking dick. Otherwise no.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Summary: Actor-director-homeless vagrant Kevin Smith decided to take all the Judd Apatow people and make a zany sex comedy! YOWZA!! Long-time friends Zack and Miri, played by Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks, are strapped for cash and decide to make amateur porn to pay the bills. Along the way the black dude from The Office, the guy who played Jay in all those other Kevin Smith movies, the horrible actors from Clerks and ClerksII, and some other people come in and make jokes about buttsex, poop, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and so forth. Smith really hits hard with some biting dialogue that sounds like nothing anyone would ever say (unless the actors say it really, really fast--then it's clever) unless that person were reading a script written by a jackass. Seth Rogen steals the show and continues to expand his range as an actor by tackling the role of a sarcastic Canadian with a beard.

Should I see it: Sure, if you like to be occasionally entertained while at the same time completely annoyed out of your mind. Otherwise, no.

Saw V

Summary: Whatever the bad guy from Saw's name is back and this time he's murdering people in newer and more disgusting ways. Danny Glover and Joe Pesci team up*** (for the 1st time since Gone Fishin') as a pair of hardboiled detectives with a personal grudge against the villain. However, things go bad when the cops are trapped and forced to make horrifically awful decisions to save themselves in what can only be described as an utter lose-lose situation. Can Pesci cut off his scrotum in time to find the combination to the lock that will open the metal door that has been installed in Glover's chest cavity to find the cut switch that will defuse the bomb full of praying mantis eggs that has been surgically implanted in his colon. There's only one way to find out!

Should I see it: Yes, if you are some kind of twisted sadist with a fetish for gore. Also, if you are very stupid. Otherwise, no.

Changeling

Summary: Angelina Jolie stars as an anemic mother in 1920s Los Angeles whose child is kidnapped. She then reprises her role from A Mighty Heart by going on TV and demanding his return over and over again and crying and screaming and shit. Soon, the cops find her kid and mother and son reunite, but wait! IT'S NOT HER SON! Turns out the cops have replaced her kid with and automaton from the future that is bent on destroying annoying actresses and gains strength by feeding on their tears. Clint Eastwood directs a gritty period drama, the combines the length and depressingness of Million Dollar Baby with the cultural relevance of some shit movie about World War II or a bunch of scumbags from Boston. Eastwood's world-shattering, eye-opening moral: the LAPD is bad. Thanks for the info, chief, you should probably die now. Keep an eye out for John Malkvoich in his first role since the hysterectomy.

Should I see it: Yes, if you like overrated, boring Best Picture nominees. Otherwise, no.

#5 is some movie called the Haunting of Molly Malone, which sounds like it's pretty stupid. But you know it's stupid so it might be kinda fun to watch. This post is getting too long, so we're gonna wrap it up.

Conclusion/Recommendations: Spend your money on booze for the next couple weeks and then go see Quantum of Solace.

*May actually be the plot to White Men Can't Jump

**Not actual cahracter names

***These people are NOT in this movie