A Serious Man. Inglorious Basterds. The Hurt Locker. District 9. Up. An Education. Up In The Air. Precious. The Blind Side. Avatar. These are the Academy Award nominees for Best Picture, listed in the order in which their nomination makes me least want to kill myself. Keep in mind, these are what have been determined by the Academy, "a professional honorary organization dedicated to the advancement of the arts and sciences of motion pictures," to be the best of the 256 movies released in the US in 2009. Fair enough.
{FULL DISCLOSURE: I have only seen five of these movies. All opinions are based on my own prejudices and laser-sharp ability to understand movies based on their public perception, critical response, and how they are marketed. Following the rules of this blog, everything I say here is to be regarded as the unvarnished truth and is to be understood by the reader as the correct opinion. OK?} OK. Each year we learn the consensus of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences as to what the "best" (most relevant? most resonant with audiences? most brilliantly adept at advancing the art and science of motion pictures? ok, that last one was a joke) movie released at the end of 2009 was. Pretty much just the end. Only Hurt Locker, District 9, Basterds, and the cartoon were released before the start of "awards season," where the movies that have been decided we as moviegoers will like the most are released. The fact that such a "season" exists tells you all you need to know about the Oscars. The "big" "shock" of this years Best Picture nominations was that Grandpa Clint's "Invictus" didn't get one. ||Now, there's another movie I didnt see, but i did hear it briefly summarized by a trusted fellow cineaste (he also works here, in this website) and wouldn't you know it, it sounded exactly like the commercials promised. But I digress. Boy, do I digress.|| If the point of these awards is to reward the best of American cinema, why do the movies that end up winning these awards all get released around the same time, by the same studios, with the same promotional campaigns? Miramax recently went under, minus Weinsteins, and every retrospective article had to make mention of all the oscars they managed to collect. Like seriously, fucking Shakespeare in Love? SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE?!??!??? These stupid statues lose their meaning when being the biggest, meanest Jews in LA means your company wins all of them. And wouldn't you know, the newly minted Weinstein Company's offerings lead the pack with 13 nods this year.
You were almost guaranteed Oscars if Miramax released your movie.
Unless you were MARTIN FUCKING SCORSESE
RESOLVED: The Oscar nominations are a result of pr campaigns in trade papers and machinations we will never see (unlike the ACTUAL GODDAMN MOVIES WHICH WE WILL PAY MUCH LOOT TO SEE).
I can hear you now: "Duh, Boyce! These studios are the ones who finance the movies, even the smaller ones! Obviously they hold all the power in the movie world! Just fuckin deal with it, you pussy!" First off, low blow. Second, if you're going to cede something so subjective as "Best Picture of the Year" to the economic engineering of giant conglomerates then why even try to make such a distinction? Just give a trophy to whoever makes the most money and call it a year!
Which brings me to Avatar. I don't think it's worth anyone's time for me to discuss the movie itself, we've all heard the talking points: it's simplistic, too much emphasis on special effects, the girl alien gave me a boner, blah, blah, blah. What's important about Avatar for my purposes is that this movie is going to win (yes it is going to win, this isn't a prediction piece, remember, I am just telling you the facts) Best Picture because it A) Had awesome special effects and B) cashed in bigger than the Red Cross. The fact that it made so much dolo is not the sole reason it's going to win, oh, no, it's a little more than that. Think back to the word we kept hearing on top of all the Avatar hype. That this movie was going to be "revolutionary." Yes, the revolution is here. Was it the plot? Anybody who's seen more than two movies can tell you it was a hackneyed concept, even before Costner won Best Picture (He did! Look it up!) for making it about Indians. Performances? LOLS! Was it the special effects? Yes, but not completely. Every year movies comes out that have amazing, jaw-dropping CGI. There are tons of people who will choose their viewing experience because it's some kind of special effects extravaganza. Shit, those Transformers movies made a shit-ton of moneys and they didn't even have actors or a script! Avatar was revolutionary for this one reason: It made movies more expensive. Not to make, to see. Avatar didn't break all the box office records because it caught the zeitgeist of this era and captivated audiences, or even wowed them with spectacular effects. Avatar broke those records because You Paid More To See It! That's your revolution! Those stupid fucking glasses! Yes, the 3D effects were cool but can you really see any filmmaker taking it beyond that? Is there another level of comprehension of films unknown to us in two dimensions? Of fucking course not! Now we can witness the revolution in full. Take a gander at any list of upcoming action movies for 2010-11. Realize that they are all in "3D." Take a second to consider whether these movies would have come out in 2D (or "regular D"). Then commit suicide. Or just don't see them. Whatevs.
"DUHHHHHH"
Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I don't really know what to say. None of those other movies are going to win. Sure, Hurt Locker has the next-best chance. But remember in the first place why there are ten nominees. The concern here is ratings for the Oscar telecast. Since the Dark Knight got completely fucking robbed of a nomination last year, and that probably cost ABC a good chunk of viewers, the Academy figured that their only key to continued legitimacy is TV ratings. And don't nobody wanna see some war movie with guys what they never heard of, where they kill Ralph Fiennes (SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE?!?!?!??) as soon as he gets on screen and there ain't no big battle at the end, win Best Picture. Sorry, Kathryn Bigelow. Cameron took your heart and stomped on it, and now he's taking your Oscar chances and doing the same. I really liked the Hurt Locker, too. Saw it twice, wasn't as good the second time. I won't watch Avatar again.
As a courtesy, here are the rest of your nominees with a little bitching about each. Except An Education. I don't even think the actors in that movie have heard of it.
Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire
I'm not joking. Thats the whole name of the fucking movie. Good to see Dusty Rhodes' Saweeeeeeet Sapphire finally getting the recognition she deserves. Seriously though, this is one of the ones i didn't see. Saw the shit out of the trailer, though. And read most all the reviews. This whole movie smacks of poverty porn. I first heard that term in a review of "Born Into Brothels" and the same concept is at work here. Look at how shitty her life is! Isn't it terrible? Feel bad! Now watch worse things happen! Wasn't that terrible? Aren't your heartstrings getting worn out from all that tugging? Also, getting Mo'Nique to act as an angry bitch, I'm sorry, doesn't seem like a huge stretch. mmmmHM.
Pictured: Douchebag
Inset: Douchebag
Up In The Air
If I hadn't shot my load on Avatar hate, this post would be all about George Clooney. How an actor gets so far with what he has I'll never know. He must give a mean blowjob to be able to play his smug, smartassed/sincere charming "self" in every movie he appears in. He's got plenty of charisma, thats for sure. He's great in every Coens movie I've seen him in. Michael Clayton was alright, but definitely didnt break any ground. (Side-bitch: how did Tilda Swinton win Best Supporting for that movie? She was in two scenes! One of them was a shot of her sweating on a toilet!) I just don't want to live in a world where the "biggest" movie "star" we have plays himself as serious or himself as hilariously charming in everything he's in. I said it in my first post and I'll say it again: Go fuck yourself, Clooney.
Up
This movie has almost the same title as that last one, but don't take your kids to this one expecting Ed Asner fucking Vera Farmiga in a balloon! Or something. I don't see the point of nominating this for both Best Picture and Best Animated Picture. They only invented that animated category just so they wouldn't have to waste BP nominations on Pixar movies. It's the same reason The New York Times started a children's bestseller list; so their super-important List wouldn't get that stupid Harry Potter shit all over it. Up is going to win Best animated, thats for sure. Take that, Neil Gaiman!
The face of Jewish vengeance. I'm down.
Inglourious Basterds
I'm gonna put down my hate scepter for a hot second, cause this movie fucking ruled. The opening scene alone could be released on its own and Christoph Waltz would have won Best Actor instead of Best Supporting. It didn't even end up really being about the Basterds themselves and nobody cared. Call it alternative history, or a revenge fantasy, or just say it was a huge kick in the nuts (if getting kicked in the nuts was fun and exciting). Go ahead, I'm waiting. I can't really do this justice, since hatred is my medium, but if there was anything to hate about Inglourious Basterds, you only saw that because youre a stupid asshole who hates fun. Seriously. This movie made me jump when a guy ordered a glass of milk at a restaurant. That's great filmmaking.
It's like, the aliens are nie-blankes. And Humans are the blankes. That seriously how they differentiated the races in South Africa? White and Not White?
District 9
You know, I really liked this movie, too. It had characters we cared about, a coherent yet nuanced plot, and a relevant message about humanity. I just thought it completely blew all the goodwill from that with the third act, in which the protagonist, a timid and bullied bureaucrat, becomes John Rambo. I don't mind them dropping the documentary aspect (that was necessary to advance the plot), but don't transform the entire movie with half an hour to go. That said, this was a good one. 3/5*
Not pictured: Sass, spunk
The Blind Side
Sweet Jesus Lord. The fact that this even got nominated. I can't even finish that sentence. I'm sure Sandra Bullock was great in it, but come on. This is tripe. It was nominated solely because it made so much goddamn money. At least it didn't have blue cat-people. Then they'd rename the fucking awards after it. I'd be madder but it's not going to win. It's here so that people who wear sweatpants to church will watch the Oscars. On ABC!
A Serious Man
The only thing that would have made this movie better was if the tagline was "Let's Get Serious!" In all honesty, this was the best movie of the year. The Coens are just fucking amazing. They managed to make a movie about a miserable guy, who has terrible stuff happen to him nonstop for 100 minutes, one of the funniest of the year. See, this movie had an actual theme: the failure of religion and "understanding" to truly solve problems. At least that's how I saw it. That's the beauty of a movie that's actually good; it can be interpreted, considered. You probably have to see it more than once to fully grasp and appreciate it. What Cameron did took a shitload of talent and balls, I won't deny that. But disposable popcorn fare should not be the gold standard for cinema. And if you want to call it the Best Picture of the year, well, Go fuck yourself.
You were almost guaranteed Oscars if Miramax released your movie.Unless you were MARTIN FUCKING SCORSESE
I can hear you now: "Duh, Boyce! These studios are the ones who finance the movies, even the smaller ones! Obviously they hold all the power in the movie world! Just fuckin deal with it, you pussy!" First off, low blow. Second, if you're going to cede something so subjective as "Best Picture of the Year" to the economic engineering of giant conglomerates then why even try to make such a distinction? Just give a trophy to whoever makes the most money and call it a year!
Which brings me to Avatar. I don't think it's worth anyone's time for me to discuss the movie itself, we've all heard the talking points: it's simplistic, too much emphasis on special effects, the girl alien gave me a boner, blah, blah, blah. What's important about Avatar for my purposes is that this movie is going to win (yes it is going to win, this isn't a prediction piece, remember, I am just telling you the facts) Best Picture because it A) Had awesome special effects and B) cashed in bigger than the Red Cross. The fact that it made so much dolo is not the sole reason it's going to win, oh, no, it's a little more than that. Think back to the word we kept hearing on top of all the Avatar hype. That this movie was going to be "revolutionary." Yes, the revolution is here. Was it the plot? Anybody who's seen more than two movies can tell you it was a hackneyed concept, even before Costner won Best Picture (He did! Look it up!) for making it about Indians. Performances? LOLS! Was it the special effects? Yes, but not completely. Every year movies comes out that have amazing, jaw-dropping CGI. There are tons of people who will choose their viewing experience because it's some kind of special effects extravaganza. Shit, those Transformers movies made a shit-ton of moneys and they didn't even have actors or a script! Avatar was revolutionary for this one reason: It made movies more expensive. Not to make, to see. Avatar didn't break all the box office records because it caught the zeitgeist of this era and captivated audiences, or even wowed them with spectacular effects. Avatar broke those records because You Paid More To See It! That's your revolution! Those stupid fucking glasses! Yes, the 3D effects were cool but can you really see any filmmaker taking it beyond that? Is there another level of comprehension of films unknown to us in two dimensions? Of fucking course not! Now we can witness the revolution in full. Take a gander at any list of upcoming action movies for 2010-11. Realize that they are all in "3D." Take a second to consider whether these movies would have come out in 2D (or "regular D"). Then commit suicide. Or just don't see them. Whatevs.
"DUHHHHHH"As a courtesy, here are the rest of your nominees with a little bitching about each. Except An Education. I don't even think the actors in that movie have heard of it.
Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire
I'm not joking. Thats the whole name of the fucking movie. Good to see Dusty Rhodes' Saweeeeeeet Sapphire finally getting the recognition she deserves. Seriously though, this is one of the ones i didn't see. Saw the shit out of the trailer, though. And read most all the reviews. This whole movie smacks of poverty porn. I first heard that term in a review of "Born Into Brothels" and the same concept is at work here. Look at how shitty her life is! Isn't it terrible? Feel bad! Now watch worse things happen! Wasn't that terrible? Aren't your heartstrings getting worn out from all that tugging? Also, getting Mo'Nique to act as an angry bitch, I'm sorry, doesn't seem like a huge stretch. mmmmHM.
Pictured: DouchebagInset: Douchebag
If I hadn't shot my load on Avatar hate, this post would be all about George Clooney. How an actor gets so far with what he has I'll never know. He must give a mean blowjob to be able to play his smug, smartassed/sincere charming "self" in every movie he appears in. He's got plenty of charisma, thats for sure. He's great in every Coens movie I've seen him in. Michael Clayton was alright, but definitely didnt break any ground. (Side-bitch: how did Tilda Swinton win Best Supporting for that movie? She was in two scenes! One of them was a shot of her sweating on a toilet!) I just don't want to live in a world where the "biggest" movie "star" we have plays himself as serious or himself as hilariously charming in everything he's in. I said it in my first post and I'll say it again: Go fuck yourself, Clooney.
UpThis movie has almost the same title as that last one, but don't take your kids to this one expecting Ed Asner fucking Vera Farmiga in a balloon! Or something. I don't see the point of nominating this for both Best Picture and Best Animated Picture. They only invented that animated category just so they wouldn't have to waste BP nominations on Pixar movies. It's the same reason The New York Times started a children's bestseller list; so their super-important List wouldn't get that stupid Harry Potter shit all over it. Up is going to win Best animated, thats for sure. Take that, Neil Gaiman!
The face of Jewish vengeance. I'm down.I'm gonna put down my hate scepter for a hot second, cause this movie fucking ruled. The opening scene alone could be released on its own and Christoph Waltz would have won Best Actor instead of Best Supporting. It didn't even end up really being about the Basterds themselves and nobody cared. Call it alternative history, or a revenge fantasy, or just say it was a huge kick in the nuts (if getting kicked in the nuts was fun and exciting). Go ahead, I'm waiting. I can't really do this justice, since hatred is my medium, but if there was anything to hate about Inglourious Basterds, you only saw that because youre a stupid asshole who hates fun. Seriously. This movie made me jump when a guy ordered a glass of milk at a restaurant. That's great filmmaking.
It's like, the aliens are nie-blankes. And Humans are the blankes. That seriously how they differentiated the races in South Africa? White and Not White?You know, I really liked this movie, too. It had characters we cared about, a coherent yet nuanced plot, and a relevant message about humanity. I just thought it completely blew all the goodwill from that with the third act, in which the protagonist, a timid and bullied bureaucrat, becomes John Rambo. I don't mind them dropping the documentary aspect (that was necessary to advance the plot), but don't transform the entire movie with half an hour to go. That said, this was a good one. 3/5*
Not pictured: Sass, spunkSweet Jesus Lord. The fact that this even got nominated. I can't even finish that sentence. I'm sure Sandra Bullock was great in it, but come on. This is tripe. It was nominated solely because it made so much goddamn money. At least it didn't have blue cat-people. Then they'd rename the fucking awards after it. I'd be madder but it's not going to win. It's here so that people who wear sweatpants to church will watch the Oscars. On ABC!
A Serious Man
The only thing that would have made this movie better was if the tagline was "Let's Get Serious!" In all honesty, this was the best movie of the year. The Coens are just fucking amazing. They managed to make a movie about a miserable guy, who has terrible stuff happen to him nonstop for 100 minutes, one of the funniest of the year. See, this movie had an actual theme: the failure of religion and "understanding" to truly solve problems. At least that's how I saw it. That's the beauty of a movie that's actually good; it can be interpreted, considered. You probably have to see it more than once to fully grasp and appreciate it. What Cameron did took a shitload of talent and balls, I won't deny that. But disposable popcorn fare should not be the gold standard for cinema. And if you want to call it the Best Picture of the year, well, Go fuck yourself.
2 comments:
Well what do we have here? A collective blogging effort! RSnD is really coming along.
Seriously, though, A Serious Man was really good. I might have to watch that one again to really get it. It was so fucking bleak that I couldn't help but grin. And that conversation with the Korean kid's dad was some of the best dialogue ever.
Also, re: The Blind Side--actually a pretty good book. It's no Moneyball, but Lewis successfully combined human interest and football theory (i.e. the opposite of Brett Favre's brain). I still don't want to see the movie though, and heaven help me if Moneyball is made into a movie, especially one starring Brad Pitt no less (although he does have the emotional range of a spreadsheet, which is what I think it's all about anyway right?)
And without having seen it, I say YES! to all the Avatar points. We go to the movies to escape from our world and our world is already 3-D! I want some 2-D fantasyland time at the theater with a little bit of nudity thrown in here and there. Is that too much to ask for?
Culcher crash, Culcher crash. The first scene with the Korean kid's dad is my favorite in the whole movie.
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