Congratulations Peanut

Not that you care, because Brett Favre's looming un-retirement (what a douche) is probably more important to you, but congratulations to Peanut. Your Brewers just won the Wild Card with the trade for CC Sabathia. I got CC by 13 months over Prince Fielder in the who gets diabetes first sweepstakes.

In other news: The Mets lone all-star, Loudmouth McRedneck just blew a save against the Phillies after a 3 hour rain delay. And you know what, I'm not going to watch extra innings. In fact, dtro is on a mission to ignore the Mets all week. Fuck their mediocrity, I shouldn't get so emotionally invested in what a bunch of rich assholes are doing. Maybe I'll watch the Rays or something.

Ask a Celebrity: Today's Hot Sports Topic

Baseball tonight just did a long segment about the dangers of maple bats. Are they dangerous? Should MLB ban them? Could they wind up killing somebody? Let's ask our old friend Don Imus:





Imus: Are they black?

Indiana Jones and the Aliens of Stonehenge

Since I went on a two month hiatus it's time for a double dip of posting. The title of this post belongs to LCT, which is what he referred to the new Indiana Jone movie as we were walking out of the theater thoroughly disappointed. (Warning: this will completely spoil the entire movie)

Does this man look too old to be beating the shit out of big Russian dudes? Of course, he doesn't, but that is not even remotely the problem with the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of the Aliens who Landed in Macchu Picchu in 1500 in Generic-Looking Flying Saucers and Were Made Out of Super-Magnetic Glass and Had Mind Control Powers and Bestowed upon Mankind the Gift of Irrigation and Plows and Love and Whose Secret Treasure Trove was Full of the Greatest Treasure of All, Namely Knowledge. I'm not sure if that's the full title, but let me reiterate: "THEIR TREASURE WAS KNOWLEDGE! KNOWLEDGE!!!"

Don't look in the eyes! Aaaaah!

I fucking loved Indiana Jones. That to me was the greatest trilogy of movies of all time. They definitely beat the shit out of Lord of the Rings or Star Wars, in my opinion. Hell, between the ages of 7-11 I wanted to be an archaeologist. And now I just want to step on Stephen Spielberg's nutsack while wearing rugby boots. I have been hearing for years about a new Indiana Jones movie, and been patiently waiting as Spielberg and Lucas sifted through hundreds of scripts to find just the right one. And then they just said fuck it and did some stupid alien shit like they always do. As a stupid and entertaining summer movie, Crystal Skull is perfectly acceptable. But it is just so much worse than the other Indiana Jones movies. Allow me to explain:

• Indy is no longer an archaeologist. He is now Colonel Henry Jones Jr. of the OSS and CIA and Justice League




• Did I mention it's about aliens?




• The aliens look exactly like aliens, i.e. exactly like what all aliens in every movie ever always look like. Their spaceships are flying saucers.




• Soviets are a good foe. Except the super KGB task force with which Indy must do battle is led by a sword-wielding Cate Blanchett with a terrible accent. Not to be sexist, but a female villain just didn't do it for me.




• Karen Allen (the one from Raiders of the Lost Ark) left her acting ability behind in the 80s somewhere...perhaps trying to find her former talent could have been Indiana's quest.




• Shia LaBOOF plays Mutt Williams, Indy's greaser son. He is fine. Except at one point he swings through the Amazon on some vines a la Tarzan with a bunch of horrible-looking cgi monkeys and catches up to a speeding car. I'm all for action, even if it's a little bit dumb. But the action sequences were so over-the-top unbelievable in a way that makes the first three movies look like documentaries.




• The "history" stuff was just kind of thrown in. Obviously, the first three movies were not real history, but you sort of got the sense that Indiana Jones' background in archaeology and history was important to the plot. The history stuff in this one was: oh yea there was some conquistador and then...aliens!!!




• They threw so much random shit in there that half the dialogue seemed to be explaining exposition.




• You remember how in Last Crusade there were those dudes with the triple cross tattoo thing trying to keep the grail a secret? And they were really noble and shit and when the guy dies it's pretty sad. There are people like that in this one, trying to keep the Crystal Skull stuff a secret, except they're all scary looking "natives" and are ruthlessly slaughtered by both Indiana Jones and the Russians without a hint of remorse. Something tells me that if Indiana Jones was looking for the lost Dead Sea Scroll and its location was guarded by a secret legion of Heebs, Spielberg might have thought twice about the way those characters were treated in the movie.

Steeevee! I can haz job pleez?

I hear they're already working on Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Montezuma---it's about dinosaurs.

I'm back! And the Mets still suck

I have decided to make my return to redstripe and chonic due to the incessant clamoring of my reader(s). First off, I clearly have to talk about the Mets and this post is going to naturally be negative as they are fucking losing 10-0 to the motherfucking horrible Seattle Mariners. Let's actually clarify that a little more. Ollie gave up 5 er in 5 innings and 8 baserunners, and he's on my fantasy team and really can't suck now because Marcum and Zambrano (the one that I don't want to repeatedly punch in the throat) both went on the dl last week. Also, Gary Cohen just reminded me of something I read on metsgeek, which is that we are getting shut out by R.A. Dickey, a man who was born without his medialcollateralolioislal ligament. That's the ligament they fix/replace when they do Tommy John surgery and he doesn't even fucking have one. And the mets can't hit him of course...a team could come out with Dickey, Jim Abbot, Johnny Cancerboy Lester, the exhumed corpse of Mordecai "3-finger" Brown, and that kid Terry with one leg who almost made the Xavier freshman team and see how many times a cripple can strike out Delgado.

Anyway, let's get on to the now old news: the Mets fired Willie Randolph. As is the Mets wont, the Wilpons and the front office handled this with a complete lack of class, tact, or basic common sense. The Wilpons put the whole thing on Minaya, then repeatedly leaked things to the press hinting at Randolph's imminent demise in order to force Omar's hand. Then they made the man fly 3000 miles and fired him in the middle of the night after a win. Not that the win mattered, but really? You couldn't just fire him on Sunday and have started the road trip with Jerry Manuel? My problem is not that Willie got fired. He was not a good manager. But he was fired 9 months too fucking late, and at that point it just felt like a total distraction from the real problems of the team. The Mets have 5 good players that I can count: Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Santana, and Maine. Ollie is hit or miss, and Billy Wagner can suck a dick. Ok, so we'll call it 6 1/2 good players. Pelfrey may be added to the list at a later date. Willie Randolph did not sign those people. But Willie Randolph also did not refuse to find a solid backup plan for Alou or Delgado or Pedro. Willie Randolph did not pretend that the Milledge thing was a good idea just because Church played way over his head for two months. The fact that Ryan Church being hurt is such an enormous blow to the Mets lineup is retarded...and not Willie's fault. Willie Randolph did not ensure that Luis "Gimp" Castillo will be a Met in 2011.

Read my last sentence again. Look at the picture above. Now tell me who should be fired? Our biggest fucking hits this year have come from Fernando Tatis, Robinson Cancel, and Damion Easley. That is not a product of shrewd management and picking up overlooked guys. That is 3 lucky fucking hits from some of the washed-up schmucks with whom Omar Minaya has littered this Mets roster. Are you old (and preferrably Latino, though that's neither here nor there)? Were you once good like in the late 90s or somehow connected to the Expos organization? Are you out of work due to the fact that 29 teams have recognized your significantly diminished skills? Well come to the Mets! We have room for all of you! All of this means that the Wilpons fired the wrong guy. Or at least they fired one guy too few.

When LCT happily told me "thank god Pudge will not be the Tigers' catcher next year," I jokingly told him that he would be the Mets catcher... Except I don't know if I was joking.

Overreaction Update

Bad boys bad boys! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?


It was self-defense pankey. Deny deny deny

Where's Waldo?

Hey remember this guy? I had all the books and I remember my favorite was the one where Waldo traveled through time. He went to caveman days, ancient Rome, ancient China, medieval times, even (gasp) the future. However, I always felt there was one time period missing and it turns out I was right. See if you can find Waldo hiding in the early 90s:

Guess Who's Back?!!

The man. The legend. Lastings Darnell Milledge!

I've missed my boy in the argyle sweater. He's off to a decent start--308/351/442 with only one jack. Captain redass can suck my balls, though. We'll see how the modern day Hank Aaron performs in his return to Shea and what kind of welcome the fans give him. Those fuckers out at the stadium better cheer him and then throw bottles at Omar's box, otherwise this fanbase has truly jumped the shark (booing Johan? BLASPHEMY!).

Well, actually, I hope Pelfrey shuts 'em down. And I get to watch this series on MASN! Sweet!

I wish I had known about this 9 years ago

In 7th grade we had a science fair sort of. Actually, it was a "consumer fair" where we had to find a product and test out different brands to see which was the best. Then we had to make a huge posterboard to display the results and be prepared to present our findings to a panel of objective judges. I had no idea what to do and I didn't get in with a group fast enough, so I just copied another group and did steel wool pads. I had Brillo vs. SOS vs. some generic Key Food brand or something. And you know what? They were all the fucking same, but I had to come up with charts and graphs and shit to show some sort of difference (and my mom used to opportunity to get me to clean the oven). Anyway, it was all a huge waste of time, especially since the other steel wool group blew me out of the water with a superior posterboard. But today I realized what I should have done all those years ago---KNIVES!

That's Warhol you cultureless mooks

Inspired by #1 on this list from Cracked, I now realize I should have gotten my mom to shell out a few easy payments to the good folks at Miracle Blade and Ronco so I could test out knives. I could filet fish, cut hammers, throw random fruits in the air and try to slice them, throw the knives at Derek Jeter or Leonardo DiCaprio posters (my two most hated people in those days..fuck Titanic!). Either way we'd have some sweet knives at home, and coming up with the experiments would have been significantly more interesting than those for steel wool. Really, though, this is not the time to dwell on the past; what's done is done. But we can still look to the future, and what people of the current time need to know is: which knife is best? Should we trust creepy leatherface Ron Ronco and the impressed American audience, or boring ass Chef Tony and the snooty French onlookers? (Commercials are in 2 parts) You decide:







VS.





I think I got most of the ads in there. As anyone who knows me well can tell you, I am bound to be partial to Ronco because, simply put, I think that is the greatest bit of programming ever put on television. Any time I see that ad I drop what I'm doing and watch. But since I just found out about Miracle Blade, I'll be fair and lay out the pros and cons of our combatants so you can make an informed decision.


RONCO Pros:

• Gets rid of unwanted in-laws (har har) w/ obscenely small sandwiches
• Sharper than a samurai sword-BANSAI!
• Comes w/ tons of stuff (600 steak knives! solid flavor injector!)
• Cuts hammers, oranges
  
• Cheaper than those motherfucking $900 Kraut knives, those Nazi schmucks

RONCO Cons:

• You apparently have to tell all your friends about them, which Ronco will monitor with high-powered surveillance equipment
• Personally delivered by Ron Popeil, who won't leave your house until you give him a fifth of scotch and listen to him talk about life back in the 19dicketies

• 

MIRACLE BLADE Pros:

• Can cut a pineapple....in MID FUCKING AIR
• Accuhandle super powers---rock and chop, bitches
• Perfection series presumably perfect
• Cuts hammers, oranges, sheet rock
  
• Works even for those with stiff hands
• Seems to appeal to I-ties
  

MIRACLE BLADE Cons:

• Fewer knives and accoutrement than Ronco
• Chef Tony throws away everything he cuts; hey dickfuck, there are starving people in China and shit
• Seems to appeal to I-ties

So who wins? You decide.

Lessons from overreactions throughout history

Sometimes things happen. Then people react in violent or ridiculous ways. What can we learn from these things?8000 BC?
Action: People are sinning and shit.
Reaction: God fucking kills everyone with a huge flood.
Consequences: Noah builds an ark and saves all the animals; forced incest for repopulation of earth. Evan Almighty.
Lessons: Yahweh will fuck your shit up. Steve Carrell can't really carry a vehicle without hilarious supporting performances.

6000 BC
Action: The enslaved Israelites are shitting out kids left and right making Pharaoh nervous of their growing population.
Reaction: Instead of implementing a sensible family planning program like Communist China, Pharaoh decides to just drown all the male babies.
Consequences: Moses goes river rafting, talks to God, unleashes 10 plagues (including one that kills a bunch of Egyptian kids--karma, bitches) leads Jews out of Egypt, drowns army in Red Sea. Charlton Heston becomes a star despite being a crazy gun-nut with no acting ability.
Lessons: Don't go killing babies unless you're prepared to face the wrath of Yahweh. Charlton Heston was a dickfuck.

1776
Action: British put taxes on tea and stamps and shit.
Reaction: American colonists start revolution, beginning around Boston because they do not like taxes. Fucking Massholes.
Consequences: Long, drawn out war of attrition. Birth of America. Mel Gibson makes The Patriot, which was just as long as but much much worse than Braveheart.
Lessons: Stupid ass Americans go apeshit over taxes. We are better than English people. Mel Gibson needed to chill on the period pieces.

1914
Action: Gavrilo Princip assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
Reaction: Everyone goes to war over one dipshit.
Consequences: Like 14 million dead people or so; Soviets take over Russia.
Lessons: As George Washington warned us: avoid long-term or entangling alliances. Also, one dead guy is not worth a war. Except maybe Jose Reyes. I can't think of a WWI movie.

1941
Action: The Japanese crash a bunch of planes into ships at Pearl Harbor.
Reaction: US puts Japanese-Americans in internment camps. Drops nukes on Japan.
Consequences: Presumably, an earlier end to the Pacific war. Fucked up radioactive people. This Carlos Menstealia bit. That movie Pearl Harbor.
Lessons: Don't crash planes into our shit, because America will fuck your country up. Mind of Mencia is probably the worst thing ever to happen to comedy. Michael Bay doesn't fucking know how to make movies despite huge budgets and tons of special effects.

2005
Action: Dtro and teammate lose beer pong game to a couple of girls.
Reaction: I punch a hole in the wall.
Consequences: Nothing really.
Lessons: Punching a wall is an acceptable way to vent anger and frustration. I take beer pong too seriously. I drink too much.

2008
Action: Some girl at work pours soda on Pankey.
Reaction: Pankey throws hot tea on her.
Consequences: Pankey is fired. Girl is not.
Lessons: You cannot pour hot liquids on girls, unless they ask you to or give you a look that tells you they want it.

Baseball is back...

...and guess what? The Mets fucking suck. Well not totally, but they're 2-4 as of today and they already wasted a great start by Santana. And why do the Mets suck?

My short answer is the combination of the two men in the center of this picture. Willie Randolph is still a bad manager and Scott Schoeneweis (correct spelling) cannot get righties out. However, somebody neglected to tell Willie this fact, and so he let that fuck pitch to Rollins and Victorino who got hits and loaded the bases for Carlos "Ironhands" Delgado to make an error(Feliciano was in PR on family business, but I get the feeling Willie wouldn't have used him anyway). Fuckity fuck. That game yesterday (and thank god I can't watch them down here, b/c I would break my hand punching a fridge) was very reminiscent of last September. As I intimated in my reactions to the Santana trade this team's lineup is pretty weak after Beltran (not to mention Jose isn't getting on base so far) so we really need our pitching to step up. Pedro's hurt and Willie really likes Scho and Sosa, so we may be up shit creek here.












In other baseball news: LCT's and Pankey's team suck too. Worse than the Mets, so far. In a comment on my last post I made some cursory predictions for the MLB this year. I have decided to amend these, cop out style, with the benefit of a week+ of games. Here they go:

AL:
EAST-Red Sox---they are the best team in the AL still
CENTRAL-Indians--more complete than the Tigers, w/ the best 1-2 punch in baseball
WEST-Angels--the Mariners still suck in my opinion and the Angels are good enough, even with Lackey and Escobar hurt, to win this shit-ass division
WILD CARD-Tigers--I can't bring myself to pick the Yank$ and I assume these guys are gonna start hitting like motherfuckers
MVP-Manny Ramirez--he's off to a hot start and will get tons of RBIs on that team, barely edges out Miguel Cabrera (EDIT: and maybe ARod)
CY YOUNG-Fausto Carmona--he's my favorite pitcher in the AL; just fucking nasty
ROY-Fuck should I know?

NL:
EAST-Mets--I know I said they suck, but they're still good; I still like their rotation better than the Braves or Philthies
CENTRAL-Cubs--Sorry, peanut. They're better all-around than the Brewers with an adequate lineup and deepish rotation in a weak division
WEST-D'backs--Sorry, pankey. Webb and Haren plus all their young hitters improving makes them my favorite. This division is really tight except for the Giants. To me, the Rockies don't have the pitching, the Padres don't have the hitting, and the Dodgers will find too much time for Juan Pierre no matter what Torre says. (Addendum, Ned Coletti is really really stupid)
WILD CARD-Braves--I know, I know. How can I pick the Braves, when I can't bring myself to pick the Yank$? I hate to pick them, but they have a very good lineup and enough pitching to beat out the Phillies. The Brewers should put up a good fight until Ben Sheets ruptures his spleen in July, and the teams in the West are just gonna beat the shit out of each other.
MVP-David Wright--DWright will lock up his second in a row with another outstanding year...what? what's that you say? Jimmy Rollins won last year because his team won one more game despite Wright outplaying him in basically every facet of the game? Despite him being the 3rd or possibly 4th best hitter on his own team? Fuck that shit.
CY YOUNG-Johan Santana--I don't like to be too homerish or make wild predictions. But Johan will win 42 games with a 0.23 ERA and 400+ strikeouts. Roughly.
ROY-You ever get mad at a roofed-in stadium and don't know exactly how to express your anguish? Say it with me: FUK-U-DOME.

Up next: I feel like I should talk about the pregnant dude. Fucking creepy as shit.