Joe the Plumber speaks out

Dtro was actualy able to obtain an exclusive interview where Joe expounded upon his views.

Dtro: Joe, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

JtP: No problem, glad to do it.

Dtro: So I guess you're a big star now, huh?

JtP: Well, I'm no Matt Damon or anything. It's not like I'm Brad Pitt or George Clooney or that black guy from Deep Impact. I don't star in movies just to make that clear. I'm just a regular guy, a plumber.

Dtro: Right. So I guess you're not a big fan of social security?

JtP: No, I hate it. I mean I have parents and all, but I don't want them taking my money. Usually, I sneak into my folks' retirement home and steal their social security checks and burn them. Because they're communist, and my parents understand that I tihnk they are Communists and should go back to Cuba with all the other Commie Mexicans. That's what I call Cubans.

Dtro: Speaking of Mexicans, what are your thoughts on immigration?

JtP: Look, we live in the greatest nation in the world. And it's our nation. I don't think we should be letting in Mexicans or Commie Mexicans or some other type of Mexican, like from Spain or France or something. We just need to build a big moat around the country. I'm hear to help lay the first pipe.

Dtro: Well there is the Rio Grande...

JtP: I don't believe in rivers.

Dtro: Ok well, let's talk about Iraq.

JtP: Yes, let's talk about it. Iraq was a good idea. We gave those people freedom, ok. You know how grateful those little Desert Mexicans are? My friends who went over there tell me about it all the time; they're like, 'Joe, those Mexicans over there talk some gibberish shit, but I'm pretty sure what they're saying is thank you so much American Jesus man for giving me my freedom.'

Dtro: Alright Joe, let's hit on some issues we haven't heard you speak on before. What are your thoughts on gay rights?

JtP: I think the gays should have rights. (laugh) Yea, the right to get stomped in the face with my PLUMBING BOOTS!

Dtro: Ok, what are your thoughts on a woman's right to choose?

JtP: Well abortions should be illegal, clearly. We didn't go over to Iraq acting all Jesus just to be killing babies at home. I mean, if my wife didn't want to have a kid maybe she should have exercised her right to NOT get date-raped by me in high school.

Dtro: What are your thoughts on Barack Obama allegedly associating with a domestic terrorist?

JtP: I think it's horrible. I mean who is this guy to try and fight against this great nation. The only people who have a right to do that are me and my boys from the Legion of Extraordinary Hollandmen who formed a militia based on our God-given right to secede and own sweet ass guns. Get that government out of my FUCKING PLUMBER FACE!

Dtro: Ok, thank you Joe. Do you have any final thoughts?

JtP: Let's go Buckeyes!

Dtro: You truly are a douche.

You future world series MVP....

...is this undersized cloven-hoofed bastard.

The debates as I saw them

CROOOOOOOOOONNNNNYYISSSSSMMM! AAAARGGGGHHH!

Who to root for in the MLB Playoffs: Abbreviated Version

Well, not these guys obviously. I still don't think this team is better than the Mets, they're just better at not sucking ass at the worst possible times. Although I must say I really enjoy watching games in Citizen's Bank Park. No, it's not because of the great sightlines, or those Luzinski pork sandwiches, or the newness and cleanness of it. I think it's because it makes me nostalgic for the Amity field on Knapp St. and Avenue V where I used to play when I was 11 and could almost hit homeruns...except Amity had higher fences so you didn't get those real cheap ones like at CBP.

Not these guys either. Why? Well, they traded the only guy I really liked on the team in batshit insane Manny Ramirez (more on him later). Of course you also have the fact that they are from Boston and are not only cheered on by the prejudiced fucks (yes, I am prejudiced against folks from Massachusetts, so what?) but also by a growing legion of bandwagon hopping dicks that rival only the late 90s Yankees fans in their number and loathesomeness. Plus the Sox have already won 2 WS titles in the lsat 4 years, and the Celtics won this past year, and the Patriots cheated teir way to 3 Super Bowl wins. Do the bastards up in Boston deserve to see another championship team? I say hell no. It's really amazing how fast these guys went from a team to root for in '04 to beat the Yankees to becoming the Yankees themselves.

Eric Karros, Mike Piazza, Raul Mondesi, Hideo Nomo, that other guy. Wha's not to like about this team? Wait, what? Why are these guys on this 50 year anniversary 2008 poster dealie? Anyway, I've always been a fan of Manny's (interesting note: I used to get batting lessons from a former coach of Manny's from when he played for Youth Service. Also of note, Mel Zitter never did shit for my swing). Obviously it would be great to see Manny succeed to the chagrin of those knoblickers up in Boston who did not appreciate the fact that, despite not caring whatsoever about the game, Manny is one of the best hitters of all time. Torre getting to the WS a year after the Yanks kicked him to the curb would also be fun. Also, they're not the Phillies and Hiroki Kuroda and Andre Ethier made some contributions to my fantasy team down the stretch. So I say, root for the Dodgers (even if Ned Coletti is a stupid jerk).

And, of course, your obvious choice for most root-worthy team is the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Yea, Devil. Let's not get bogged down in what the Mets might have looked like over the past four years with Scott Kazmir on the team and instead focus on the fact that this team went from worst to first in a division that includes the Yankees and Red Sox. The Rays winning would be a huge slap in the face to the high-payroll teams in their division and Akinori Iwamura wears a glove made out of the skin of a whale species so rare that none of you have even heard of it (at least, that's why I think he won't let people get a good look at it) which is pretty cool. Also, there's a chance that Matt Garza could hit Youkilis in the face with a fastball, and I think that's clearly a good thing for everyone.

Conclusion: Root for a Rays-Dodgers World Series. That is clearly the outcome that causes the most pain and suffering to the Yankees, Red Sox, and their dimwitted amoral slope-browed fanbases. Also, fuck the Phillies. In the end, I gotta root for the Rays to win it all, because screw Joe Torre.

Aww shucks

Well that sucked. The Mets once again blew their chance at the playoffs by losing to the Florida Marlins on the last day of the season. My congratulations to Peanut, who can't even name half the Brewers roster because he is a Packers fan...sorry about that. The Brewers haven't been in the playoffs since 1982, so I wish them the best, i.e. I hope they destroy the Phillies and then fail miserably against the Cubs and get to watch their hired gun leave for millions of dollars from the Yankees for whom Sabathia will be horrible for several months while recovering from the lingering pain that Ned Yost, Dale Sveum and the rest of the Brewers inflicted by making him throw 300 innings in a three-month span.




Anyhoo, the Mets. This is the 2008 Mets:

Jerry Manuel walking to the mound to take the ball from a shitty reliever just about sums this team up, doncha think? Billy Wagner was having a pretty lousy year by his standards, but when he went down so did any hope for the Mets to salvage this season. Luis Ayala, a man who the Nationals wanted to get rid of, was our closer for the final month of the season. Every single pitcher out of the bullpen was horrible with ridiculous lefty-righty splits (except for reverse splitter Duaner Sanchez). A lot of people over on metsblog and metsgeek seem to be bitching about David Wright and this team's lack of clutch hitting. Yes, that was certainly the case during the final weekend, but c'mon. This team tied with the Phillies for 2nd in the league in runs scored despite Brian Schneider, Luis Castillo, a revolving door outfield, etc. etc. There is nobody to blame here except for a bullpen that had 837 blown saves (statistic not official).

Sunday was a horrible ending to a disappointing season, but to pretend that I'm nearly as mad as last year would be wrong. The only reason I'm mad is because of last year. If the Mets had made the playoffs last year we'd be talking about the 2008 mets as a team that nearly overcame a bunch of injuries and a horrible bullpen to make the playoffs. Instead, they are labelled as chokers for the 2nd straight year. Yes, they choked in a very minor way over the past week---5 runs against Volstad, Nolasco, Olsen is horrible. They also lost that game against the cubs that they clearly should have won. FERNANDO TATIS, was a regular outfielder for half the year, and they almost made it (speaking of which, Fernando Tatis is the man!). Pedro Martinez was hurt half the time and Trachselesque the other half, and they almost made it. Luis Ayala was our closer down the stretch, and they almost made it. Scott Schoeneweis was on the roster, and they almost made it. Luis Castillo will be on the team for the next seven years, and they almost made it. Willie Randolph was allowed to flounder around until June, and they almost made it. OMAR MINAYA IS OUR GM, and they almost made it.

Which reminds me, fuck Omar Minaya and fuck the Wilpons for giving him a four-year extension. Giving Omar Minaya four years is almost as stupid as giving Luis Castillo four years, leading me to believe that the only other person (besides the Wilpons) dumb enough to extend Omar Minaya would be...Omar Minaya. Check out these team payrolls. Omar Minaya was given over $138 million dollars and converted that into 89 wins (LCT, you may not want to click on that link). Well, in 2007 he took $118 million and gave us 88 wins. Therefore, since 2006, that's $256 million for a slightly above average team. He took an extra 20 mil (most of which is Johan) and created 1 more win. Omar Minaya is not good at his job. He is constantly uncreative in putting together a bullpen and a bench. He prefers old and friendly players to young and/or talented ones. Marlon Anderson had a couple good months pinch-hitting? 2 years, 2.2 million. Luis Castillo is able to hobble his way to a decent OBP and was once a good player? 4 years, $25 million. Julio Franco is old and provides leadership? Protect him, not JESUS FLORES on the 40-man roster. Somebody was once on the Minaya-led Expos? Sign him up---Endy Chavez, Brian Schneider, Ryan Church, Fernando Tatis, Luis Ayala, Tony Armas, Claudio Vargas, get 'em all.

Here are the 3 good things Minaya has done with the Mets:
1)traded Kris Benson for Jorge Julio and John Maine, then traded Julio for El Duque
2)traded Xavier Nady for Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez
3)extended Jose Reyes and David Wright for multi-year below-market contracts
Those are good things.

Here are some good things that have happened under Minaya's watch:
1)signed Carlos Beltran
2)signed Pedro Martinez (only if you buy into the whole "he changed the culture" around here thing, which I do somewhat. At the very least I think he made the Mets a more viable free agency destination)
3)traded Carlos Gomez et al. for Johan Santana
Those are good things that ANYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN AND A BAZILLION DOLLARS TO WORK WITH could have done.

Here are some bad things that Omar Minaya has done:
1)Heath Bell (and Royce Ring) for Ben Johnson and Jon Adkins
2)Brian Bannister for Ambiorix Burgos
3)Henry Owens and Matt Lindstrom for Jason Vargas and Adam Bostick
4)Luis Castillo, Marlon Anderson, Julio Franco (over Jesus Flores)
5)LASTINGS MILLEDGE for Ryan Church and Brian Schneider (Church was solid, then hurt, then terrible. Schneider is a bad hitter, a decent thrower, and TERRIBLE AT ACTUALLY CATCHING PITCHES)
6)The whole Willie Randolph saga: Let me just say that I believe the only reason Willie Randolph was not fired after the debacle of 2007 is because Omar was using him as his fall guy. And guess what? it worked. When the Mets were playing like shit for the first two months, Willie got the blame and Omar eventually fired him after a long, drawn-out and embarassing saga. Jerry Manuel took over, the Mets played better, and Omar got an extension. Is Willie wholly responsible for the Mets being lousy? No. Is Jerry whole responsible for the Mets being pretty good? No. Is someon responsible for the Mets being lousy and then pretty good and thereby little better than mediocre? Yes, his name is Omar Minaya.

OK, enough for now. This season sucked, this weekend sucked, this team sucked. It's still not as bad as last year, but it's getting harder and harder to be a Mets fan, especially when the ownership doesn't recognize that the man they put in charge is shit at his job.

I'll have some more this week on my memories of Shea and who to root for in the playoffs (Hint: the freakin' Tampa Bay Rays).

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK...YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Holy shit, that was the craziest game all year. Ramon Martinez, Robinson Cancel--a hat tip to you gentlemen. Ricardo Rincon--go back to Mexico. Ryan Church--nice slide, chief. I still am not your biggest fan, but well done sir. Carlos Beltran--you have been much maligned by the NY media and the idiot fans that recent success has brought to the Mets, but I always believed in you. Sure, I wanted to punch you in the throat when you struck out looking at that Wainwright curveball, but you have been solid all year. Thank you for that.

And, Luis Aguayo or Jerry Manuel, whoever confused Daniel Murphy into bunting with 2 strikes in the ninth, you better go kiss Beltran's ass because he bailed you out for the dumbest play of the year. I'm looking at you Luis, you useless bastard. If the Mets make it, they can't put Luis Aguayo on the playoff coaching roster.

Let's go Pirates! For God's sake, show a little dignity.

Update: Fucking McLouth.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Creeping Sense of Dread and LT is a Pussy

Oh sweet merciful Christ, the Mets are taking years off my life by forcing me to punch solid objects and chain smoke in frustration. Listen we all know this team has been relatively resilient in recent months, but you can't be too resilient when your closer is Luis Ayala---who in a former life was just about the worst reliever on the Mets' local AAA affiliate here in our nation's capital. Thanks a lot Billy Wagner, I hoped you've pitched your last game on earth and die in a hunting accident you redneck turd. This shit is just too eerily reminiscent of last year. And fuck peanut's Brewers for completely shitting the bed all weekend.

So do I go to the games this week? I can't go tonight, but should I show up for a tired Pelfrey tomorrow, or should I see whatever junk they throw out on Wednesday (Brandon Knight?)? I know the bullpen will lose on Thursday cuz Santana's pitching. And let's not forget the Nats put up 18 runs on the Mets in 2 games last week. Fuckity fuck. I guess I need to go to a couple just so I can see Elijah Dukes commit the first on-field homicide in baseball history (please let it be Castillo).

Ouchies! I stubb my toe, no can play football!

Show your face you visor wearing pussy! If you're gonna be hurt make it a torn ACL or a malignant tumor, not a toe injury. Fuck, I know a Lebanese kid who played half a soccer season for Xavier with a broken toe. He had to run and KICK you dipshit. You are no longer able to use the name LT, because the real LT would play through the pain of a toe injury by completely numbing the area with a kilo of coke before plowing through 50 rails and raping three strippers. Then he would go out and break people's femurs for no good reason other than the fact that he was a violent maniac who wanted nothing more out of life than to break people's legs, do some coke, and rape strippers who looked like they were asking for it. And he wore dangly earrings just so guys would come up to him and make fun of him and then he would have an excuse to break their legs and rape their wives or girlfriends and if they were single he would punch their mothers in the throat and go do some coke and murder a tranny hooker. This is the second week in a row my team has fallen like 40 points short of their projected total, and those don't even take into account the 20 points I get from my defensive players. And while we're at it Maurice Jones-Drew can fuck himself too, because it's his fault the Jags O-line is fucked with injuries. 10 points from my 2 running backs?! Way to combine to be equal to Thomas Jones you fucks. And Ben Roethlisberger will you please stop throwing to that Asian man in the red zone, didn't you get the memo that this is Santonio Holmes' breakout year? And Kitna, your team wears blue and silver, do not throw it to people wearing colors different from your own.

State of the Mets August 4th

Remember this dashing young fellow. His name is Kazuo Matsui, the man who the Mets let play shortstop while forcing Jose Reyes over to second base. He also has a sweet semi-orange Oriento-mullet. He enjoys sushi, watching old American westerns, and raping children (note: these things may or may not be true). You may remember him as the man who hit a homerun in his first at-bat three seasons in a row from 2004-2006 (including an inside-the-parker). You may also remember him as being the Japanese guy who sucked at baseball so bad and got booed so mercilessly that we fondly looked back on the abortions that were Tsuyoshi Shinjo and Masato Yoshi. And he also just fucking killed the Mets during a three game series in Houston, including a ridiculous bomb. Speaking of which, let's take a look at how the Mets fared last week (I may make this a regular feature every Sunday night, but I only rarely blog anymore so who knows):

Record: 1-5; 1-2 at Marlins, 0-3 at Astros
Starting Place: 57-48, 1st place, 1 game ahead of Phillies, 2 games ahead of Marlins
Finishing Place: 58-53, 3rd place, 3 games behind Phillies, 1/2 game behind Marlins

Team Offense: .264/.322/.351, 19 runs scored. 45 men left on base.
Team Pitching: .291/.355/.518 (these are Avg/Obp/Slg against). 31 ER in 50.2 IP for a 5.51 ERA. 2.56 K:BB, 1.58 WHIP.

Best Player: Carlos Delgado with his .364/.400/.591 line, including the two-run homer that won the game against the Marlins. Reyes also hit .407 for the week, which is pretty good.

Worst Player: Well, Billy Wagner had a 9.00 ERA in a couple appearances, including a blown save against Houston. Heilman had a 13.50 ERA in 3 appearances (he got 2 losses this week), including a grand slam to Mark Loretta that lost that game. Joe Smith was not to be outdone with a 21.60 ERA in 1.2 IP over 4 games, including a loss against Florida. And yet this week the award goes to Mr. Scott Schoeneweis and his shiny 15.43 ERA in 3 appearances. Yea Smith was worse, but Schoeneweis has a track record of being a piece of shit scumbag asshole, and he gave up a bomb to a certain Asian fellow.

Most memorable game: The 10 inning loss at Houston that included a sick leaping catch by Danny Murphy in his MLB debut (and he doubled off the runner), then some little league movie bullshit where two Astros scored at the same time with Mark Lorretta trucking Castro with Hunter Pence sliding in behind him, and then a walk off sac fly where Tatis dove AFTER HE FUCKINNG ALREADY CAUGHT THE FUCKING BALL, allowing the guy to score from third.

Injuries: John Maine went on the DL with a sprained uterus, and Billy Wagner got an MRI today on his huntin' shoulder. Marlon Anderson also went on the DL with arthritis of the skeleton.

Conclusions: The Mets' bullpen sucks at pitching. These games were eerily reminiscent of every fucking game from last September, where the starters would come out after 5 or 6 with leads and the bullpen would blow it every time. Eddie Kunz, who was a closer on Oregon State like a year and ahalf ago when they won the College World Series was just called up and may immediately be our best reliever. Danny Murphy got called up and appears to have entered a platoon with Nick Evans in LF. This just plays into Omar's roster construction and player development technique: fill team with old shitty guys who bring "veteran leadership" and if they get hurt simply promote really young players before they are ready to advance in order to crush their confidence and lessen their value before trading them away for some more old players. Where is Valentino Pascucci?!!

Five Kekionga Losses in a Row Raise Calls for Lennon's Job

Fort Wayne---Thursday July 13, 1871

The Kekiongas proved to be the lesser squad for the fifth consecutive contest, as the Red Stockings of Boston, Massachussetts prevailed on Wednesday afternoon, scoring 30 runs to only 9 for the Fort Wayne lads. Kekionga manager William Lennon of Calhoun St. spoke to this reporter after the game, expressing disappointment in his players lack of focus if not their effort. "Our boys played their hardest out there, but I think some of our interior fielders need to improve their focus while on the defensive side," said Lennon. Though he did not direct his critiques at an individual player, this reporter believes his verbal lashing was directed at shortstop Lil' Jimmy Hallinan whose 11 errors contributed to 19 unearned runs scored by the visiting squad.

Lennon stated his disapproval of the younger generation of players, whose inattention he believes is endemic and a sign of the times: "These young fellows really get in my graw on occasion," said Lennon. "In my day we did not have professional baseball matches or players. These men are being paid as well as tanners or smithies, and still we have defensive lapses every inning it seems. Focus? These boys don't know the meaning of the word. Do you think I lost focus at Second Bull Run? Hrrrmph!"

If focus was the order of the day out at Hamilton Field, then the competitor of the day was certainly Boston catcher Cal McVey. The young Iowan made only three errors behind the home base and led the Red Stockings' offensive attack with 9 hits (reaching base 13 times when considering four errors made on balls struck by McVey), along with 10 runs scored and 7 men driven home. Asked about his dandy of a match McVey's humble responses belied his farmboy roots. "Shucks," said Cal, "I was just seeing the ball real good today and trying to put it into play. It's easy to hit well when the other squad has nothing to stop the ball besides their bare hands."

First baseman Jim Foran repersented one the lone bright spots for the Kekionga, slugging a triple in six appearances at bat, and bringing home three men. However, Foran expressed disappointment in losing to the Stockings by 21 runs for the second time this season. "It's disappointing for certain. I really wanted to beat those gentlemen considering the rough treatment I received from their audience in Boston." Foran of course refers to the racial epithets shouted at him in Boston, where he was said to have heard names such as Black Dago, Cat-Eater, Dirty Mediterranean Immigrant Bastard and Grape-Smasher. The notoriously tough Boston fans had apparently learned prior to the contest that Foran had an Italian grandmother.

The focus (that word again) now turns to Lennon, whose apparent disgust with his squad raises the question of whether he is the right man to help develop a team full of young baseballers. Outer field player Harry Deane has expressed interest in the job and a team meeting is expected in the next week to determine the fate of their wizened leader.

The more important question for Fort Wayne's baseballers, though, may be the fate of the club itself. National Association baseball has undoubtedly gained a foothold in larger eastern metropoles such as New York, where the Mutuals have seen crowds as large as 6,000 spectators. The Kekiongas, on the other hand, have seen their attendance decline steadily from the start of the season. One spectator, a Mr. Wilford Hennings of the Hennings farm near Dunn Mill, put it thusly: "When a modest yeoman cannot bring his family on an evening pic-a-nic without these stick and ball men hurtling rawhide spheres at them, we live in dark times indeed. Sure I played some townball back in the 50s, but then I turned 9 and started helping with the harvest. I am perturbed by these paid townballies to say the least. We preserved the Union for this?"

A difficult question, but just one of several that must be answered by the Kekiongas in the coming weeks.

--Dee Trowe, Columnist, Fort Wayne Sentinel-Courier

Notes: Game time-2 hours, 20 minutes, called on account of darkness at 8:40 PM.

Attendance--135 or so.

Injuries--Jim Hallinan suffered two broken fingers in the first inning while fielding a sharply struck ball, which may have contributed to his later errors. Bobby Matthews complained of "dead arm" after the game, but says he will continue to pitch every inning of every game.