Shine on you crazy Razor

The Mets have already made thier best acquisition of the off-season by hiring this gentleman to be the new 3rd base coach:

Anthony Razor Shines (like Jerry Manuel) is a former horrible Expo player from the 1980s, who describes himself as a "Motherfuckin' Human Switchblade." He became infamous in Chicago in 2007 for wearing a razorblade neckalce and always wielding a straight razor in the coach's box to intimidate the opponents' 3rd baseman into making errors:

Razor also once tried to murder AJ Pierzynski with a razor phone just to get a laugh out of his boy Thome. He did not appreciate Erstad being there:

Razor has the ability to enlarge his hand and turn it purple. He also doesn't suck total ass like Luis Aguayo.

Movie Reviews based on nothing whatsoever

As an often broke and generally cheap person it can be hard to decide how to have fun on the weekends. Do I go to a bar and frivolously spend the money from my ever dwindling mutual fund once I get into that state of drunkenness where my largesse exceeds my means? Should I try to get KK Hollidae to get some pot from her friend knowing that it will mean I might have to see that girl with razor burn on her face with whom I once had an experience I'd prefer to forget? Perhaps I should try to have some substance-free fun by hustling some street ball with my boy Sidney before going home to my annoying voiced Latina girlfriend.* Of course, there's always the option of going to the movies and gorging myself on delicious popcorn. Everyone likes going to the movies, but as an often broke and generally cheap person it's hard to decide what movie to spend my money on. Knowing that others face a similar problem, I have decided to run down this weekend's top 5 box office films to let you know which ones are worth your 10 or 11 bucks. Enjoy, and remember that these reviews are based on conjecture, preconceived notions, and my baseless personal opinions:

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Summary: a light, forthy romp through the halls of Strathmore High as the seniors deal with the ups and downs of dating, friendships, schoolwork, and thinking about their future. Super-couple Benjamin and Kiara**, played by Zac "FagBangs" Efron and Vanessa "Turtle Wax" Hudgens, are having some difficulties in their relationship knowing they are going to colleges on opposite sides of the country (Efron scored an 11 on the ACT and only got offers from to play hoops at local JuCos, while Hudgens was accepted to Columbia's prestigious racial quota program). While mostly a fun, entertaining and family-friendly movie, HSM3:SY really knocks it out of the park by exploring the darker side of teenagedom: La'Quae confronts racial taunting, Jeannie has to deal with a pregnancy resulting from gymnastics coach-rape, and Hunter struggles to deal with an abusive father and falls in with the barbituate crowd.

Should I see it: Yes, if you like sucking dick. Otherwise no.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Summary: Actor-director-homeless vagrant Kevin Smith decided to take all the Judd Apatow people and make a zany sex comedy! YOWZA!! Long-time friends Zack and Miri, played by Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks, are strapped for cash and decide to make amateur porn to pay the bills. Along the way the black dude from The Office, the guy who played Jay in all those other Kevin Smith movies, the horrible actors from Clerks and ClerksII, and some other people come in and make jokes about buttsex, poop, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and so forth. Smith really hits hard with some biting dialogue that sounds like nothing anyone would ever say (unless the actors say it really, really fast--then it's clever) unless that person were reading a script written by a jackass. Seth Rogen steals the show and continues to expand his range as an actor by tackling the role of a sarcastic Canadian with a beard.

Should I see it: Sure, if you like to be occasionally entertained while at the same time completely annoyed out of your mind. Otherwise, no.

Saw V

Summary: Whatever the bad guy from Saw's name is back and this time he's murdering people in newer and more disgusting ways. Danny Glover and Joe Pesci team up*** (for the 1st time since Gone Fishin') as a pair of hardboiled detectives with a personal grudge against the villain. However, things go bad when the cops are trapped and forced to make horrifically awful decisions to save themselves in what can only be described as an utter lose-lose situation. Can Pesci cut off his scrotum in time to find the combination to the lock that will open the metal door that has been installed in Glover's chest cavity to find the cut switch that will defuse the bomb full of praying mantis eggs that has been surgically implanted in his colon. There's only one way to find out!

Should I see it: Yes, if you are some kind of twisted sadist with a fetish for gore. Also, if you are very stupid. Otherwise, no.

Changeling

Summary: Angelina Jolie stars as an anemic mother in 1920s Los Angeles whose child is kidnapped. She then reprises her role from A Mighty Heart by going on TV and demanding his return over and over again and crying and screaming and shit. Soon, the cops find her kid and mother and son reunite, but wait! IT'S NOT HER SON! Turns out the cops have replaced her kid with and automaton from the future that is bent on destroying annoying actresses and gains strength by feeding on their tears. Clint Eastwood directs a gritty period drama, the combines the length and depressingness of Million Dollar Baby with the cultural relevance of some shit movie about World War II or a bunch of scumbags from Boston. Eastwood's world-shattering, eye-opening moral: the LAPD is bad. Thanks for the info, chief, you should probably die now. Keep an eye out for John Malkvoich in his first role since the hysterectomy.

Should I see it: Yes, if you like overrated, boring Best Picture nominees. Otherwise, no.

#5 is some movie called the Haunting of Molly Malone, which sounds like it's pretty stupid. But you know it's stupid so it might be kinda fun to watch. This post is getting too long, so we're gonna wrap it up.

Conclusion/Recommendations: Spend your money on booze for the next couple weeks and then go see Quantum of Solace.

*May actually be the plot to White Men Can't Jump

**Not actual cahracter names

***These people are NOT in this movie

Joe the Plumber speaks out

Dtro was actualy able to obtain an exclusive interview where Joe expounded upon his views.

Dtro: Joe, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

JtP: No problem, glad to do it.

Dtro: So I guess you're a big star now, huh?

JtP: Well, I'm no Matt Damon or anything. It's not like I'm Brad Pitt or George Clooney or that black guy from Deep Impact. I don't star in movies just to make that clear. I'm just a regular guy, a plumber.

Dtro: Right. So I guess you're not a big fan of social security?

JtP: No, I hate it. I mean I have parents and all, but I don't want them taking my money. Usually, I sneak into my folks' retirement home and steal their social security checks and burn them. Because they're communist, and my parents understand that I tihnk they are Communists and should go back to Cuba with all the other Commie Mexicans. That's what I call Cubans.

Dtro: Speaking of Mexicans, what are your thoughts on immigration?

JtP: Look, we live in the greatest nation in the world. And it's our nation. I don't think we should be letting in Mexicans or Commie Mexicans or some other type of Mexican, like from Spain or France or something. We just need to build a big moat around the country. I'm hear to help lay the first pipe.

Dtro: Well there is the Rio Grande...

JtP: I don't believe in rivers.

Dtro: Ok well, let's talk about Iraq.

JtP: Yes, let's talk about it. Iraq was a good idea. We gave those people freedom, ok. You know how grateful those little Desert Mexicans are? My friends who went over there tell me about it all the time; they're like, 'Joe, those Mexicans over there talk some gibberish shit, but I'm pretty sure what they're saying is thank you so much American Jesus man for giving me my freedom.'

Dtro: Alright Joe, let's hit on some issues we haven't heard you speak on before. What are your thoughts on gay rights?

JtP: I think the gays should have rights. (laugh) Yea, the right to get stomped in the face with my PLUMBING BOOTS!

Dtro: Ok, what are your thoughts on a woman's right to choose?

JtP: Well abortions should be illegal, clearly. We didn't go over to Iraq acting all Jesus just to be killing babies at home. I mean, if my wife didn't want to have a kid maybe she should have exercised her right to NOT get date-raped by me in high school.

Dtro: What are your thoughts on Barack Obama allegedly associating with a domestic terrorist?

JtP: I think it's horrible. I mean who is this guy to try and fight against this great nation. The only people who have a right to do that are me and my boys from the Legion of Extraordinary Hollandmen who formed a militia based on our God-given right to secede and own sweet ass guns. Get that government out of my FUCKING PLUMBER FACE!

Dtro: Ok, thank you Joe. Do you have any final thoughts?

JtP: Let's go Buckeyes!

Dtro: You truly are a douche.

You future world series MVP....

...is this undersized cloven-hoofed bastard.

The debates as I saw them

CROOOOOOOOOONNNNNYYISSSSSMMM! AAAARGGGGHHH!

Who to root for in the MLB Playoffs: Abbreviated Version

Well, not these guys obviously. I still don't think this team is better than the Mets, they're just better at not sucking ass at the worst possible times. Although I must say I really enjoy watching games in Citizen's Bank Park. No, it's not because of the great sightlines, or those Luzinski pork sandwiches, or the newness and cleanness of it. I think it's because it makes me nostalgic for the Amity field on Knapp St. and Avenue V where I used to play when I was 11 and could almost hit homeruns...except Amity had higher fences so you didn't get those real cheap ones like at CBP.

Not these guys either. Why? Well, they traded the only guy I really liked on the team in batshit insane Manny Ramirez (more on him later). Of course you also have the fact that they are from Boston and are not only cheered on by the prejudiced fucks (yes, I am prejudiced against folks from Massachusetts, so what?) but also by a growing legion of bandwagon hopping dicks that rival only the late 90s Yankees fans in their number and loathesomeness. Plus the Sox have already won 2 WS titles in the lsat 4 years, and the Celtics won this past year, and the Patriots cheated teir way to 3 Super Bowl wins. Do the bastards up in Boston deserve to see another championship team? I say hell no. It's really amazing how fast these guys went from a team to root for in '04 to beat the Yankees to becoming the Yankees themselves.

Eric Karros, Mike Piazza, Raul Mondesi, Hideo Nomo, that other guy. Wha's not to like about this team? Wait, what? Why are these guys on this 50 year anniversary 2008 poster dealie? Anyway, I've always been a fan of Manny's (interesting note: I used to get batting lessons from a former coach of Manny's from when he played for Youth Service. Also of note, Mel Zitter never did shit for my swing). Obviously it would be great to see Manny succeed to the chagrin of those knoblickers up in Boston who did not appreciate the fact that, despite not caring whatsoever about the game, Manny is one of the best hitters of all time. Torre getting to the WS a year after the Yanks kicked him to the curb would also be fun. Also, they're not the Phillies and Hiroki Kuroda and Andre Ethier made some contributions to my fantasy team down the stretch. So I say, root for the Dodgers (even if Ned Coletti is a stupid jerk).

And, of course, your obvious choice for most root-worthy team is the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Yea, Devil. Let's not get bogged down in what the Mets might have looked like over the past four years with Scott Kazmir on the team and instead focus on the fact that this team went from worst to first in a division that includes the Yankees and Red Sox. The Rays winning would be a huge slap in the face to the high-payroll teams in their division and Akinori Iwamura wears a glove made out of the skin of a whale species so rare that none of you have even heard of it (at least, that's why I think he won't let people get a good look at it) which is pretty cool. Also, there's a chance that Matt Garza could hit Youkilis in the face with a fastball, and I think that's clearly a good thing for everyone.

Conclusion: Root for a Rays-Dodgers World Series. That is clearly the outcome that causes the most pain and suffering to the Yankees, Red Sox, and their dimwitted amoral slope-browed fanbases. Also, fuck the Phillies. In the end, I gotta root for the Rays to win it all, because screw Joe Torre.

Aww shucks

Well that sucked. The Mets once again blew their chance at the playoffs by losing to the Florida Marlins on the last day of the season. My congratulations to Peanut, who can't even name half the Brewers roster because he is a Packers fan...sorry about that. The Brewers haven't been in the playoffs since 1982, so I wish them the best, i.e. I hope they destroy the Phillies and then fail miserably against the Cubs and get to watch their hired gun leave for millions of dollars from the Yankees for whom Sabathia will be horrible for several months while recovering from the lingering pain that Ned Yost, Dale Sveum and the rest of the Brewers inflicted by making him throw 300 innings in a three-month span.




Anyhoo, the Mets. This is the 2008 Mets:

Jerry Manuel walking to the mound to take the ball from a shitty reliever just about sums this team up, doncha think? Billy Wagner was having a pretty lousy year by his standards, but when he went down so did any hope for the Mets to salvage this season. Luis Ayala, a man who the Nationals wanted to get rid of, was our closer for the final month of the season. Every single pitcher out of the bullpen was horrible with ridiculous lefty-righty splits (except for reverse splitter Duaner Sanchez). A lot of people over on metsblog and metsgeek seem to be bitching about David Wright and this team's lack of clutch hitting. Yes, that was certainly the case during the final weekend, but c'mon. This team tied with the Phillies for 2nd in the league in runs scored despite Brian Schneider, Luis Castillo, a revolving door outfield, etc. etc. There is nobody to blame here except for a bullpen that had 837 blown saves (statistic not official).

Sunday was a horrible ending to a disappointing season, but to pretend that I'm nearly as mad as last year would be wrong. The only reason I'm mad is because of last year. If the Mets had made the playoffs last year we'd be talking about the 2008 mets as a team that nearly overcame a bunch of injuries and a horrible bullpen to make the playoffs. Instead, they are labelled as chokers for the 2nd straight year. Yes, they choked in a very minor way over the past week---5 runs against Volstad, Nolasco, Olsen is horrible. They also lost that game against the cubs that they clearly should have won. FERNANDO TATIS, was a regular outfielder for half the year, and they almost made it (speaking of which, Fernando Tatis is the man!). Pedro Martinez was hurt half the time and Trachselesque the other half, and they almost made it. Luis Ayala was our closer down the stretch, and they almost made it. Scott Schoeneweis was on the roster, and they almost made it. Luis Castillo will be on the team for the next seven years, and they almost made it. Willie Randolph was allowed to flounder around until June, and they almost made it. OMAR MINAYA IS OUR GM, and they almost made it.

Which reminds me, fuck Omar Minaya and fuck the Wilpons for giving him a four-year extension. Giving Omar Minaya four years is almost as stupid as giving Luis Castillo four years, leading me to believe that the only other person (besides the Wilpons) dumb enough to extend Omar Minaya would be...Omar Minaya. Check out these team payrolls. Omar Minaya was given over $138 million dollars and converted that into 89 wins (LCT, you may not want to click on that link). Well, in 2007 he took $118 million and gave us 88 wins. Therefore, since 2006, that's $256 million for a slightly above average team. He took an extra 20 mil (most of which is Johan) and created 1 more win. Omar Minaya is not good at his job. He is constantly uncreative in putting together a bullpen and a bench. He prefers old and friendly players to young and/or talented ones. Marlon Anderson had a couple good months pinch-hitting? 2 years, 2.2 million. Luis Castillo is able to hobble his way to a decent OBP and was once a good player? 4 years, $25 million. Julio Franco is old and provides leadership? Protect him, not JESUS FLORES on the 40-man roster. Somebody was once on the Minaya-led Expos? Sign him up---Endy Chavez, Brian Schneider, Ryan Church, Fernando Tatis, Luis Ayala, Tony Armas, Claudio Vargas, get 'em all.

Here are the 3 good things Minaya has done with the Mets:
1)traded Kris Benson for Jorge Julio and John Maine, then traded Julio for El Duque
2)traded Xavier Nady for Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez
3)extended Jose Reyes and David Wright for multi-year below-market contracts
Those are good things.

Here are some good things that have happened under Minaya's watch:
1)signed Carlos Beltran
2)signed Pedro Martinez (only if you buy into the whole "he changed the culture" around here thing, which I do somewhat. At the very least I think he made the Mets a more viable free agency destination)
3)traded Carlos Gomez et al. for Johan Santana
Those are good things that ANYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN AND A BAZILLION DOLLARS TO WORK WITH could have done.

Here are some bad things that Omar Minaya has done:
1)Heath Bell (and Royce Ring) for Ben Johnson and Jon Adkins
2)Brian Bannister for Ambiorix Burgos
3)Henry Owens and Matt Lindstrom for Jason Vargas and Adam Bostick
4)Luis Castillo, Marlon Anderson, Julio Franco (over Jesus Flores)
5)LASTINGS MILLEDGE for Ryan Church and Brian Schneider (Church was solid, then hurt, then terrible. Schneider is a bad hitter, a decent thrower, and TERRIBLE AT ACTUALLY CATCHING PITCHES)
6)The whole Willie Randolph saga: Let me just say that I believe the only reason Willie Randolph was not fired after the debacle of 2007 is because Omar was using him as his fall guy. And guess what? it worked. When the Mets were playing like shit for the first two months, Willie got the blame and Omar eventually fired him after a long, drawn-out and embarassing saga. Jerry Manuel took over, the Mets played better, and Omar got an extension. Is Willie wholly responsible for the Mets being lousy? No. Is Jerry whole responsible for the Mets being pretty good? No. Is someon responsible for the Mets being lousy and then pretty good and thereby little better than mediocre? Yes, his name is Omar Minaya.

OK, enough for now. This season sucked, this weekend sucked, this team sucked. It's still not as bad as last year, but it's getting harder and harder to be a Mets fan, especially when the ownership doesn't recognize that the man they put in charge is shit at his job.

I'll have some more this week on my memories of Shea and who to root for in the playoffs (Hint: the freakin' Tampa Bay Rays).

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK...YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Holy shit, that was the craziest game all year. Ramon Martinez, Robinson Cancel--a hat tip to you gentlemen. Ricardo Rincon--go back to Mexico. Ryan Church--nice slide, chief. I still am not your biggest fan, but well done sir. Carlos Beltran--you have been much maligned by the NY media and the idiot fans that recent success has brought to the Mets, but I always believed in you. Sure, I wanted to punch you in the throat when you struck out looking at that Wainwright curveball, but you have been solid all year. Thank you for that.

And, Luis Aguayo or Jerry Manuel, whoever confused Daniel Murphy into bunting with 2 strikes in the ninth, you better go kiss Beltran's ass because he bailed you out for the dumbest play of the year. I'm looking at you Luis, you useless bastard. If the Mets make it, they can't put Luis Aguayo on the playoff coaching roster.

Let's go Pirates! For God's sake, show a little dignity.

Update: Fucking McLouth.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

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Creeping Sense of Dread and LT is a Pussy

Oh sweet merciful Christ, the Mets are taking years off my life by forcing me to punch solid objects and chain smoke in frustration. Listen we all know this team has been relatively resilient in recent months, but you can't be too resilient when your closer is Luis Ayala---who in a former life was just about the worst reliever on the Mets' local AAA affiliate here in our nation's capital. Thanks a lot Billy Wagner, I hoped you've pitched your last game on earth and die in a hunting accident you redneck turd. This shit is just too eerily reminiscent of last year. And fuck peanut's Brewers for completely shitting the bed all weekend.

So do I go to the games this week? I can't go tonight, but should I show up for a tired Pelfrey tomorrow, or should I see whatever junk they throw out on Wednesday (Brandon Knight?)? I know the bullpen will lose on Thursday cuz Santana's pitching. And let's not forget the Nats put up 18 runs on the Mets in 2 games last week. Fuckity fuck. I guess I need to go to a couple just so I can see Elijah Dukes commit the first on-field homicide in baseball history (please let it be Castillo).

Ouchies! I stubb my toe, no can play football!

Show your face you visor wearing pussy! If you're gonna be hurt make it a torn ACL or a malignant tumor, not a toe injury. Fuck, I know a Lebanese kid who played half a soccer season for Xavier with a broken toe. He had to run and KICK you dipshit. You are no longer able to use the name LT, because the real LT would play through the pain of a toe injury by completely numbing the area with a kilo of coke before plowing through 50 rails and raping three strippers. Then he would go out and break people's femurs for no good reason other than the fact that he was a violent maniac who wanted nothing more out of life than to break people's legs, do some coke, and rape strippers who looked like they were asking for it. And he wore dangly earrings just so guys would come up to him and make fun of him and then he would have an excuse to break their legs and rape their wives or girlfriends and if they were single he would punch their mothers in the throat and go do some coke and murder a tranny hooker. This is the second week in a row my team has fallen like 40 points short of their projected total, and those don't even take into account the 20 points I get from my defensive players. And while we're at it Maurice Jones-Drew can fuck himself too, because it's his fault the Jags O-line is fucked with injuries. 10 points from my 2 running backs?! Way to combine to be equal to Thomas Jones you fucks. And Ben Roethlisberger will you please stop throwing to that Asian man in the red zone, didn't you get the memo that this is Santonio Holmes' breakout year? And Kitna, your team wears blue and silver, do not throw it to people wearing colors different from your own.