Movie Review: Slumdog Millionaire and Last Chance Harvey

Ok, so as not to be unfair to Benjamin Button, I have decided to review the other two movies I saw while at home over the break:



The first is Slumdog Millionaire, which, like Benjamin Button, is a leading contender for a Best Picture Oscar nomination. Unlike Benjamin Button, it is probably deserving, because it is a good movie that did not piss me off (those, of course, being the main criteria the Academy looks at).

Here is what is good about the movie:

The setup. It's basically a poor kid (Jamal) from the slums of Mumbai who makes it all the way to the final question on the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Except that he only gets there because the specific questions he is asked all pertain to his life in some way. Essentially, the movie is a series of flashbacks that explain how he knows the answer to the previous question and these flashbacks put together add up to the kid's life story. Effective and interesting way to tell the story.

The setting. The movie bascially travels through the slums of Mumbai and various other places in India. The wide views of Mumbai and other places are cool looking, and I especially liked the sequence where the two brothers basically lived on the roofs of trains travelling all over India. Unlike Benjamin Button which hints at hurricane Katrina, and uses specific references ("Hey, how bout this N'Orlins weather! Am I right? Remember how we are in New Orleans right now in this movie here?!") and horrible southern accents by Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett to tell you it's in New Orleans, Slumdog Millionaire actually is set somewhere and it shows you. Also, based on this movie India is fucked up.

The story. That's pretty general I guess, but it really is just a good movie overall. It's like an epic on a smaller scale than Benjamin Button. Slumdog Millionaire is just trying to tell a story and it runs the gamut of emotions over the course of Jamal's life to that point (he is only 18), but mostly it is just entertaining and interesting. It gets to the emotions and it makes you happy and sad and such, but it doesn't try to smack you over the head with morals or themes for the most part. Benjamin Button, on the other hand, taught me about the impermanence of life and to cherish the happy moments and shit, but that was the problem. It just fucking TOLD ME THAT in scene after scene toward the middle/end parts of the movie and it just dragged on and made sure it fucking preached to me about transience and love and the transience of love. The beginning of the movie was just sort of telling a story about a weird guy who is aging backwards and it was entertaining and interesting---that is what all of Slumdog Millionaire is like.

Here is what is bad about the movie:

These are all sort of minor quibbles, because overall I thought it was a very good movie (although it's been sort of critically overhyped).

The questions: I know nothing about Indian culture obviously, but it seemed to me that Who Wants to be an Indian Millionaire is the easiest game show of all time. Does anyone know about cricket? Who has the most centuries? That seems like who has the most homeruns or something. Am I wrong? C'mon. And the last question was so retardedly easy that it took away the aspect of suspense when Jamal locked in his final answer.

Honestly, did neither of these people get any play over the course of their lives. Jamal and the girl, whose name I can't remember at the moment, were all about each other since they were like 9 years old. F'real Jamal, you couldn't pull a bit a slash when you were running scams around the Taj Mahal? Those Mahal girls give it up like whoa!

Joe Pesci. Or should I say, the Indian version of Regis Philbin, because he looked like the Indian version of Joe Pesci. Actually, he should probabaly be listed on the positive side. He was more like Goodfellas Joe Pesci than Gone Fishin' Joe Pesci, but any Joe Pesci is usually a negative. Still unclear.




Here is good things:

The premise of the movie was a bit unorthodox for a RomCom. A wedding, yes, but one where the Father of the Bride* did not seem particularly welcome and makes himself awkward immediately by constantly talking on the phone in the same way my Dad would (i.e. holding the phone across his face [i.e. putting it in his right hand and holding it to his left ear]).

The actors: Dustin Hoffman, despite his SHORTcomings (haha he's short!), seems like a good actor and so does Emma Thompson, whom you might know from those movies you've never seen.

The subplot with the mother and the Polack is kinda funny, I guess.

Here is bad:

I saw a review on Rotten Tomatoes that said something like, "at the very least this movie proves that you're never too old to do a trying-on-dresses montage." Yeah, that's pretty accurate. This is not a groundbreaking movie, ok. We are dealing with a pretty typical romantic comedy plot, spiced up by the addition of... nothing in particular.

Dustin Hoffman is 317 years old, but he looks 400 at best. Not to mention the fact that he is legally a midget in 37 out of the 50 states. It's hard to buy him as a romantic lead.

Syphilis: it's a danger when entering into any relationship. Even a fictional cinema one--this was not fully adressed.

Conclusions: Slumdog is 3.7 out of 4 stars. Harvey is 2.6, so as to be ranked above Benjamin Button. If you have to see one movie and one movie only this January, though, you should probably go rent In Bruges.








* Steve Martin can suck a big fat dick

Hey Brett! Fuck your Mom

Hey you. Yeah you, retarded hick boy. I'm talking to you. I am somewhere between drunk and hungover from tailgating right now so I may not be thinking that clearly. But there's something I want to say to you: Eat a bag of cancerous dicks.

Maybe I am not making myself clear. I want you to consume all sorts of unthinkably disgusting and harmful things so that you might have some idea what it is like to watch you one-arm gunslings to the goddamn Dolphins all day. Remember when you put on that green jersey this afternoon? It was right after the bowl of grape nuts and the massage and before you and Mangenius decided to stick your fists up the metaphorical anuses of thousands of fans and then extend your middle fingers. Yea, that jersey. Everyone else on your team was wearing the same color, and that's the color you were supposed to aim your passes at.

Listen Grizzly McAmerica'sPlayer, this Jets season was hard for me. I had already turned against you at least a year ago. I understand why you have been so popular. You had that down-home-aww-shucks-mister-I-juss-wanna-play-me-some-football thing going. You seemed like a nice enough guy and your dad died and whatever. You inspired people like Forrest Gump and Corky from that show I don't remember. Everyone thought, "Hey if this monkey-brained fucker can be good at football, maybe there's hope for us all." I get it, but I wasn't on board.

For one, Peanut had already shoved the goddamn Favre DVD down my throat, so I was set. Did I need to know about your upbringing in Kiln and how your Uncle Cletus molested you when you were nine? No. Did I make up one of those facts? No.* Not to mention the freaking media acted like you were motherfuckin Mother fuckin Teresa or some shit. I hadn't realized that you were the only football player in the history of feet and balls who LOVED football. You were a gunslinger. You played like a kid out there. You played with the passion of a million suns burning on the summer solstice. Fuck that. You were never any more special than the media made you out to be. You were like a gunslinger who occasionally misfired and shot his friends in the femoral artery. You played like a kid who was too stupid to realize that crippling interceptions were bad for your team.

So obviously, Brett, I was already sort of heading down the road of not liking you. These are not new opinions of mine, but even if I was getting sick of you I still had a soft spot I guess. I mean you were Brett Favre! And then you pulled the retirement schtick for a couple of years. Are you? Aren't you? What's going on with Brett? You basically said "Hey, ESPN et al., please stroke my cock while I hold hostage the organization that has paid me exorbitant amounts of money to sometimes successfully throw an oblong ball at massively-more-athletic black guys. And remember it is only because I LOVE THE GAME that I am so torn about whether or not to take steroids** and accept some more millions to be slobbered on all over again by you sycophantic fucks."

So I was done with you basically. I appreciated that you were a great player. A hall-of-famer if that means anything in football. You won a pretty memorable super bowl and lost a more memorable one. But that was it. The gunslinging and the all-American plays-like-a-kid Kornheiserisms were grating enough without you actually acting like a dick. And then you pulled the shit again this offseason and Ted Thompson grew a pair and said "Hey Brett! Fuck your Mom. We're going with Rodgers." Good for you Ted. I liked that, I agreed with that. I wanted you end up on the Vikings so that even Packers fans would have to root against you and grudgingly accept the fact that you were a dick. And then what did you do...

You up and got traded to the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. The Jets. My Jets. My football team with its mediocre history and its mild expectations. The Jets, who could basically be ignored by the media, chill out in the Giants' shadow, and hopefully make it to their biannual playoff loss. You fucker. Now tickets were twice as pricey and your jerseys were selling like hotcakes (great investment Timmy and Plunkett) and everyone was watching the Jets and picking them for the playoffs and so forth. Every story related to the NFL was about how you were doing and how Aaron Rodgers was doing filling in those titanic-sized shoes of yours. Every MNF broadcast was Tony Kornheiser talking about you, no matter how tangential or inane. It was like he was playing that game from Super Troopers where the guy had to say "Meow" but instead he had to say "Favre" and then wait to see how long the football viewing publice would turn on him. Basically, you fucked shit up for me.

Now I'm living down in DC, Brett, so I didn't get to watch many of your games. I could phase you out as the Mets collapsed, and my college career collapsed, and other shit was happening. And then you had that game against the Patriots on a Thursday night. And I checked you and the Jets out down at Continental and there was a Pats fan and I got caught up in the game and the Jets won! In overtime! We stuck it to those Boston fucks! This was going to be our year! I thought, hey maybe I can get behind this Jets team despite the presence of Favre. This could be the best team I've seen since Vinny Testaverde was throwing shotputs over the middle to Keyshawn. The very sadness that is having Testaverde and Keyshawn as your best football memories MADE me want to get beind this Jets team. And then you beat the undefeated Titans. Best team in the AFC! NY-NY Superbowl! Well that's what ESPN was saying, and although I saw that that was pretty dumb I really thought this was a hell of a team and maybe I can learn to like this Favre character after all. And then...

Look, you just fucking sucked, ok. There's no point breaking down every game or each mistake. You fucking sucked and if Dick Jauron and JP Losman hadn't already gotten their checks from Roger Goodell to keep you in the playoff hunt you would have lost five straight games to finish the year. That is fucking weak in and of itself, but when you lose to the Niners and Seahawks and Broncos (no offense Pank)...c'mon. You collapsed, and that is hard for me right now. There is a big difference between being a Pirates or a Raiders fan, for instance, and being a Mets and Jets fan. The former people know going in that their team sucks. The might make a random signing or two and glean some false hope, and then the season begins and they watch and they say "Oh yeah, it's the Pirates/Raiders/Whoever. We suck. Now I will go be a productive and useful member of society." The Mets and Jets, however, play pretty well. They do enough to stay competitive year-in year-out and keep the fans interested. And you watch them and they're playing pretty well...hey, look, they're leading the division! All they have to do is win a couple games against some crappy teams and they're in the playoffs. And then they shit the bed. They just have explosive fountainous bouts of diarrhea, and it's all over the pillowcases and the headboard and everything. And I feel like I have wasted so much time and thought and money on these fucking teams, and then they just throw on some steel-toed boots and kicks me in the nuts as a thanks for all that.

But it's worse today, Brett. And it's worse because it's your fault. You sucked and you dragged the Jets down, and Chad Pennington gets a home game against the Ravens next weekend because you were horrible. And you are not a Jet. This is not some TrueYankeeism-type nonsense I'm talking about. This is the Jets. They are the Mets. They are the second team, the overlooked team, the team that sneaks up on you and wins and you go how the fuck did they win. They are an underdog. But, Brett you are the ultimate fucking overdog. You can't sneak up on anyone because at all times you are followed by a retinue of bootlickers with cameras and microphones. You never belonged on my team and I never even liked you any way. And then you were here and you got my hopes up, and you dashed them.

YOU did that, Brett. You ruined the whole goddamn season, and you're gonna do it again next year for some similar-minded sports fan in Buffalo or Seattle or somewhere when you unretire again. You dick.

*Actually yes.

** So Roger Clemens was pretty clearly cheating. He went to the Astros and still had the heat and had a sub-2 ERA at the age of 42 or so. And people were sort of talking about this way before the Mitchell Report. But Brett Favre looks completely and utterly washed up for a couple years, comes back with the fastball, and has one of his best years ever leading the Packers to the NFC Championship at the age of 38 and I hear nothing. Good thing only baseball has a steroid problem, because if NFL players took steroids I know who I'd suspect.

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

When I'm home I go to the movies a lot with my mother and sister. Case in point, I went to see Benjamin Button on Christmas afternoon. Here is the review I wrote last night at 3 in the morning when I was drunk. And remember it's easier to be negative than positive:


I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Christmas afternoon. I was with my mom and sister and I hadn’t seen the Cobble Hill theater that crowded since sometime back in 261 days (like maybe on the day I saw Batman & Robin for Tyler Didin’s Birthday). Anyway here are the good things about Benjamin Button:

The premise is cool. A man who gets yougner instead of older. That’s pretty original, and you can vaguely recognize Brad Pitt’s face in the little mini-oldman version of Benjamin. It looks pretty cool and I gotta give it up for that.

Cate Blanchett is pretty hot. I always thought of Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth and shit. In this movie she’s a ballerina and shit, and frankly she seems like she’s a pretty attractive woman.
Julia Ormond is in this, which is pretty random. First Knight, Legends of the Fall, Benjamin Button. It’s been a while but apparently she is still alive.

The parts where Benjamin is in Murmansk or whatever. I thought the part where he was in Russia in that hotel was pretty good. Tilda Swinton is a good actress and that’s an original setting, so that was something there.

Once again, since I don’t want to be totally negative, the first hour or soo was pretty cool. Actually, all the parts where Benjamin looks old are pretty good. People sort of realize that he’s not the age that he looks, but he still looks old so it’s kinda cool. Old lady is like “Hey, stay away from my granddaughter” and then his ‘mom’ is like “You’re my little boy even if you look really old” and shit. It’s a cool concept.

Here’s what is bad about the movie:

Cate Blanchett is a slut. Yea Daisy, you act like a little slut piece and Benjamin waits for you (sort of). Sounds a lot like Jenny and Forrest Gump, which makes total sense.

The whole scene where Daisy gets injured in Paris: One little thing happens and then it effects this other thing and then this other thing happens and it plays into this series of events and these other things happen and isn’t it crazy how life is like this and all these random small events can add up to a bigger thing and this is HOW LIFE IS!!! No, there’s a movie called Amelie, and it is ALSO set in Paris and it’s actually good. You just ripped it off. Actually, this idea was explored in a movie starring Ashton Kutcher called the Butterfly Effect. If you are copying an Ashton Kutcher movie you are not adding anything to humanity.

I appreciate the fact that this is some sort of modern day fairy tale. This movie does not exist within the exact realm of reality as we know it. However, it takes place over the course of many years, basically covering WWI thru WWII and then the 50s, 60s, etc. Like Forrest Gump, only it started a few decades earlier. Luckily, our hero, Benjamin Button grew up in a 1920s New Orleans that was completely and utterly absent of racism. As we all know it was totally normal to run into black pygmies in 1920s Louisiana and then ride the streetcar with them.

Queenie. Listen, I bought this character for quite a while. And then she degenerated into “black woman stereotype mother.” “Oh Benjamin, yous lookin so good boy. I ams yo MAMA. I thinks you oughta see this Daisy girl. I is no longer a real human being.” (Again, this is my personal opinion so don’t think I am calling the filmmakers racist.)

The sequence at the end where we get the “everybody’s different but isn’t THAT what makes us truly special” montage. Some people get younger, some are artists, some dance, some swim the English channel and shit. GUESS WHAT?!! Some people make stupid ass movies: their names are David Fincher and the Gumpian writers of this nonsense. Listen, you robbed Shwashank and Pulp Fiction about 15 years ago so why are you going around writing a less good version of your old stupid story.

Personal thought: I sat against the wall in the last seat of my row in the theater. I continually smacked my head against the wall, so as not to gouge my brain out with some sort of spontaneously-invented implement. Some people, any by “some” I mean a handful of mentally challenged adults, in the theater clapped at the end of this movie. Eileen immediately turned to me and was like “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE THEY CLAPPING AT?!!” At least, that’s what the expression on her face was saying. And this was totally unsolicited.

Objectively speaking, Benjamin Button was a stupid dumb movie that was kinda likeable at parts. I give it two and a half stars out of four. A cool concept that got bogged down in retarded stupid shit that uninformed moviegoers might find original and moving.
Maybe I’m just cynical.

We ain't voting for no moolie!

Staten Island proves once again that it should not be a part of NY.

Shine on you crazy Razor

The Mets have already made thier best acquisition of the off-season by hiring this gentleman to be the new 3rd base coach:

Anthony Razor Shines (like Jerry Manuel) is a former horrible Expo player from the 1980s, who describes himself as a "Motherfuckin' Human Switchblade." He became infamous in Chicago in 2007 for wearing a razorblade neckalce and always wielding a straight razor in the coach's box to intimidate the opponents' 3rd baseman into making errors:

Razor also once tried to murder AJ Pierzynski with a razor phone just to get a laugh out of his boy Thome. He did not appreciate Erstad being there:

Razor has the ability to enlarge his hand and turn it purple. He also doesn't suck total ass like Luis Aguayo.

Movie Reviews based on nothing whatsoever

As an often broke and generally cheap person it can be hard to decide how to have fun on the weekends. Do I go to a bar and frivolously spend the money from my ever dwindling mutual fund once I get into that state of drunkenness where my largesse exceeds my means? Should I try to get KK Hollidae to get some pot from her friend knowing that it will mean I might have to see that girl with razor burn on her face with whom I once had an experience I'd prefer to forget? Perhaps I should try to have some substance-free fun by hustling some street ball with my boy Sidney before going home to my annoying voiced Latina girlfriend.* Of course, there's always the option of going to the movies and gorging myself on delicious popcorn. Everyone likes going to the movies, but as an often broke and generally cheap person it's hard to decide what movie to spend my money on. Knowing that others face a similar problem, I have decided to run down this weekend's top 5 box office films to let you know which ones are worth your 10 or 11 bucks. Enjoy, and remember that these reviews are based on conjecture, preconceived notions, and my baseless personal opinions:

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Summary: a light, forthy romp through the halls of Strathmore High as the seniors deal with the ups and downs of dating, friendships, schoolwork, and thinking about their future. Super-couple Benjamin and Kiara**, played by Zac "FagBangs" Efron and Vanessa "Turtle Wax" Hudgens, are having some difficulties in their relationship knowing they are going to colleges on opposite sides of the country (Efron scored an 11 on the ACT and only got offers from to play hoops at local JuCos, while Hudgens was accepted to Columbia's prestigious racial quota program). While mostly a fun, entertaining and family-friendly movie, HSM3:SY really knocks it out of the park by exploring the darker side of teenagedom: La'Quae confronts racial taunting, Jeannie has to deal with a pregnancy resulting from gymnastics coach-rape, and Hunter struggles to deal with an abusive father and falls in with the barbituate crowd.

Should I see it: Yes, if you like sucking dick. Otherwise no.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Summary: Actor-director-homeless vagrant Kevin Smith decided to take all the Judd Apatow people and make a zany sex comedy! YOWZA!! Long-time friends Zack and Miri, played by Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks, are strapped for cash and decide to make amateur porn to pay the bills. Along the way the black dude from The Office, the guy who played Jay in all those other Kevin Smith movies, the horrible actors from Clerks and ClerksII, and some other people come in and make jokes about buttsex, poop, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and so forth. Smith really hits hard with some biting dialogue that sounds like nothing anyone would ever say (unless the actors say it really, really fast--then it's clever) unless that person were reading a script written by a jackass. Seth Rogen steals the show and continues to expand his range as an actor by tackling the role of a sarcastic Canadian with a beard.

Should I see it: Sure, if you like to be occasionally entertained while at the same time completely annoyed out of your mind. Otherwise, no.

Saw V

Summary: Whatever the bad guy from Saw's name is back and this time he's murdering people in newer and more disgusting ways. Danny Glover and Joe Pesci team up*** (for the 1st time since Gone Fishin') as a pair of hardboiled detectives with a personal grudge against the villain. However, things go bad when the cops are trapped and forced to make horrifically awful decisions to save themselves in what can only be described as an utter lose-lose situation. Can Pesci cut off his scrotum in time to find the combination to the lock that will open the metal door that has been installed in Glover's chest cavity to find the cut switch that will defuse the bomb full of praying mantis eggs that has been surgically implanted in his colon. There's only one way to find out!

Should I see it: Yes, if you are some kind of twisted sadist with a fetish for gore. Also, if you are very stupid. Otherwise, no.

Changeling

Summary: Angelina Jolie stars as an anemic mother in 1920s Los Angeles whose child is kidnapped. She then reprises her role from A Mighty Heart by going on TV and demanding his return over and over again and crying and screaming and shit. Soon, the cops find her kid and mother and son reunite, but wait! IT'S NOT HER SON! Turns out the cops have replaced her kid with and automaton from the future that is bent on destroying annoying actresses and gains strength by feeding on their tears. Clint Eastwood directs a gritty period drama, the combines the length and depressingness of Million Dollar Baby with the cultural relevance of some shit movie about World War II or a bunch of scumbags from Boston. Eastwood's world-shattering, eye-opening moral: the LAPD is bad. Thanks for the info, chief, you should probably die now. Keep an eye out for John Malkvoich in his first role since the hysterectomy.

Should I see it: Yes, if you like overrated, boring Best Picture nominees. Otherwise, no.

#5 is some movie called the Haunting of Molly Malone, which sounds like it's pretty stupid. But you know it's stupid so it might be kinda fun to watch. This post is getting too long, so we're gonna wrap it up.

Conclusion/Recommendations: Spend your money on booze for the next couple weeks and then go see Quantum of Solace.

*May actually be the plot to White Men Can't Jump

**Not actual cahracter names

***These people are NOT in this movie

Joe the Plumber speaks out

Dtro was actualy able to obtain an exclusive interview where Joe expounded upon his views.

Dtro: Joe, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

JtP: No problem, glad to do it.

Dtro: So I guess you're a big star now, huh?

JtP: Well, I'm no Matt Damon or anything. It's not like I'm Brad Pitt or George Clooney or that black guy from Deep Impact. I don't star in movies just to make that clear. I'm just a regular guy, a plumber.

Dtro: Right. So I guess you're not a big fan of social security?

JtP: No, I hate it. I mean I have parents and all, but I don't want them taking my money. Usually, I sneak into my folks' retirement home and steal their social security checks and burn them. Because they're communist, and my parents understand that I tihnk they are Communists and should go back to Cuba with all the other Commie Mexicans. That's what I call Cubans.

Dtro: Speaking of Mexicans, what are your thoughts on immigration?

JtP: Look, we live in the greatest nation in the world. And it's our nation. I don't think we should be letting in Mexicans or Commie Mexicans or some other type of Mexican, like from Spain or France or something. We just need to build a big moat around the country. I'm hear to help lay the first pipe.

Dtro: Well there is the Rio Grande...

JtP: I don't believe in rivers.

Dtro: Ok well, let's talk about Iraq.

JtP: Yes, let's talk about it. Iraq was a good idea. We gave those people freedom, ok. You know how grateful those little Desert Mexicans are? My friends who went over there tell me about it all the time; they're like, 'Joe, those Mexicans over there talk some gibberish shit, but I'm pretty sure what they're saying is thank you so much American Jesus man for giving me my freedom.'

Dtro: Alright Joe, let's hit on some issues we haven't heard you speak on before. What are your thoughts on gay rights?

JtP: I think the gays should have rights. (laugh) Yea, the right to get stomped in the face with my PLUMBING BOOTS!

Dtro: Ok, what are your thoughts on a woman's right to choose?

JtP: Well abortions should be illegal, clearly. We didn't go over to Iraq acting all Jesus just to be killing babies at home. I mean, if my wife didn't want to have a kid maybe she should have exercised her right to NOT get date-raped by me in high school.

Dtro: What are your thoughts on Barack Obama allegedly associating with a domestic terrorist?

JtP: I think it's horrible. I mean who is this guy to try and fight against this great nation. The only people who have a right to do that are me and my boys from the Legion of Extraordinary Hollandmen who formed a militia based on our God-given right to secede and own sweet ass guns. Get that government out of my FUCKING PLUMBER FACE!

Dtro: Ok, thank you Joe. Do you have any final thoughts?

JtP: Let's go Buckeyes!

Dtro: You truly are a douche.

You future world series MVP....

...is this undersized cloven-hoofed bastard.

The debates as I saw them

CROOOOOOOOOONNNNNYYISSSSSMMM! AAAARGGGGHHH!

Who to root for in the MLB Playoffs: Abbreviated Version

Well, not these guys obviously. I still don't think this team is better than the Mets, they're just better at not sucking ass at the worst possible times. Although I must say I really enjoy watching games in Citizen's Bank Park. No, it's not because of the great sightlines, or those Luzinski pork sandwiches, or the newness and cleanness of it. I think it's because it makes me nostalgic for the Amity field on Knapp St. and Avenue V where I used to play when I was 11 and could almost hit homeruns...except Amity had higher fences so you didn't get those real cheap ones like at CBP.

Not these guys either. Why? Well, they traded the only guy I really liked on the team in batshit insane Manny Ramirez (more on him later). Of course you also have the fact that they are from Boston and are not only cheered on by the prejudiced fucks (yes, I am prejudiced against folks from Massachusetts, so what?) but also by a growing legion of bandwagon hopping dicks that rival only the late 90s Yankees fans in their number and loathesomeness. Plus the Sox have already won 2 WS titles in the lsat 4 years, and the Celtics won this past year, and the Patriots cheated teir way to 3 Super Bowl wins. Do the bastards up in Boston deserve to see another championship team? I say hell no. It's really amazing how fast these guys went from a team to root for in '04 to beat the Yankees to becoming the Yankees themselves.

Eric Karros, Mike Piazza, Raul Mondesi, Hideo Nomo, that other guy. Wha's not to like about this team? Wait, what? Why are these guys on this 50 year anniversary 2008 poster dealie? Anyway, I've always been a fan of Manny's (interesting note: I used to get batting lessons from a former coach of Manny's from when he played for Youth Service. Also of note, Mel Zitter never did shit for my swing). Obviously it would be great to see Manny succeed to the chagrin of those knoblickers up in Boston who did not appreciate the fact that, despite not caring whatsoever about the game, Manny is one of the best hitters of all time. Torre getting to the WS a year after the Yanks kicked him to the curb would also be fun. Also, they're not the Phillies and Hiroki Kuroda and Andre Ethier made some contributions to my fantasy team down the stretch. So I say, root for the Dodgers (even if Ned Coletti is a stupid jerk).

And, of course, your obvious choice for most root-worthy team is the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Yea, Devil. Let's not get bogged down in what the Mets might have looked like over the past four years with Scott Kazmir on the team and instead focus on the fact that this team went from worst to first in a division that includes the Yankees and Red Sox. The Rays winning would be a huge slap in the face to the high-payroll teams in their division and Akinori Iwamura wears a glove made out of the skin of a whale species so rare that none of you have even heard of it (at least, that's why I think he won't let people get a good look at it) which is pretty cool. Also, there's a chance that Matt Garza could hit Youkilis in the face with a fastball, and I think that's clearly a good thing for everyone.

Conclusion: Root for a Rays-Dodgers World Series. That is clearly the outcome that causes the most pain and suffering to the Yankees, Red Sox, and their dimwitted amoral slope-browed fanbases. Also, fuck the Phillies. In the end, I gotta root for the Rays to win it all, because screw Joe Torre.

Aww shucks

Well that sucked. The Mets once again blew their chance at the playoffs by losing to the Florida Marlins on the last day of the season. My congratulations to Peanut, who can't even name half the Brewers roster because he is a Packers fan...sorry about that. The Brewers haven't been in the playoffs since 1982, so I wish them the best, i.e. I hope they destroy the Phillies and then fail miserably against the Cubs and get to watch their hired gun leave for millions of dollars from the Yankees for whom Sabathia will be horrible for several months while recovering from the lingering pain that Ned Yost, Dale Sveum and the rest of the Brewers inflicted by making him throw 300 innings in a three-month span.




Anyhoo, the Mets. This is the 2008 Mets:

Jerry Manuel walking to the mound to take the ball from a shitty reliever just about sums this team up, doncha think? Billy Wagner was having a pretty lousy year by his standards, but when he went down so did any hope for the Mets to salvage this season. Luis Ayala, a man who the Nationals wanted to get rid of, was our closer for the final month of the season. Every single pitcher out of the bullpen was horrible with ridiculous lefty-righty splits (except for reverse splitter Duaner Sanchez). A lot of people over on metsblog and metsgeek seem to be bitching about David Wright and this team's lack of clutch hitting. Yes, that was certainly the case during the final weekend, but c'mon. This team tied with the Phillies for 2nd in the league in runs scored despite Brian Schneider, Luis Castillo, a revolving door outfield, etc. etc. There is nobody to blame here except for a bullpen that had 837 blown saves (statistic not official).

Sunday was a horrible ending to a disappointing season, but to pretend that I'm nearly as mad as last year would be wrong. The only reason I'm mad is because of last year. If the Mets had made the playoffs last year we'd be talking about the 2008 mets as a team that nearly overcame a bunch of injuries and a horrible bullpen to make the playoffs. Instead, they are labelled as chokers for the 2nd straight year. Yes, they choked in a very minor way over the past week---5 runs against Volstad, Nolasco, Olsen is horrible. They also lost that game against the cubs that they clearly should have won. FERNANDO TATIS, was a regular outfielder for half the year, and they almost made it (speaking of which, Fernando Tatis is the man!). Pedro Martinez was hurt half the time and Trachselesque the other half, and they almost made it. Luis Ayala was our closer down the stretch, and they almost made it. Scott Schoeneweis was on the roster, and they almost made it. Luis Castillo will be on the team for the next seven years, and they almost made it. Willie Randolph was allowed to flounder around until June, and they almost made it. OMAR MINAYA IS OUR GM, and they almost made it.

Which reminds me, fuck Omar Minaya and fuck the Wilpons for giving him a four-year extension. Giving Omar Minaya four years is almost as stupid as giving Luis Castillo four years, leading me to believe that the only other person (besides the Wilpons) dumb enough to extend Omar Minaya would be...Omar Minaya. Check out these team payrolls. Omar Minaya was given over $138 million dollars and converted that into 89 wins (LCT, you may not want to click on that link). Well, in 2007 he took $118 million and gave us 88 wins. Therefore, since 2006, that's $256 million for a slightly above average team. He took an extra 20 mil (most of which is Johan) and created 1 more win. Omar Minaya is not good at his job. He is constantly uncreative in putting together a bullpen and a bench. He prefers old and friendly players to young and/or talented ones. Marlon Anderson had a couple good months pinch-hitting? 2 years, 2.2 million. Luis Castillo is able to hobble his way to a decent OBP and was once a good player? 4 years, $25 million. Julio Franco is old and provides leadership? Protect him, not JESUS FLORES on the 40-man roster. Somebody was once on the Minaya-led Expos? Sign him up---Endy Chavez, Brian Schneider, Ryan Church, Fernando Tatis, Luis Ayala, Tony Armas, Claudio Vargas, get 'em all.

Here are the 3 good things Minaya has done with the Mets:
1)traded Kris Benson for Jorge Julio and John Maine, then traded Julio for El Duque
2)traded Xavier Nady for Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez
3)extended Jose Reyes and David Wright for multi-year below-market contracts
Those are good things.

Here are some good things that have happened under Minaya's watch:
1)signed Carlos Beltran
2)signed Pedro Martinez (only if you buy into the whole "he changed the culture" around here thing, which I do somewhat. At the very least I think he made the Mets a more viable free agency destination)
3)traded Carlos Gomez et al. for Johan Santana
Those are good things that ANYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN AND A BAZILLION DOLLARS TO WORK WITH could have done.

Here are some bad things that Omar Minaya has done:
1)Heath Bell (and Royce Ring) for Ben Johnson and Jon Adkins
2)Brian Bannister for Ambiorix Burgos
3)Henry Owens and Matt Lindstrom for Jason Vargas and Adam Bostick
4)Luis Castillo, Marlon Anderson, Julio Franco (over Jesus Flores)
5)LASTINGS MILLEDGE for Ryan Church and Brian Schneider (Church was solid, then hurt, then terrible. Schneider is a bad hitter, a decent thrower, and TERRIBLE AT ACTUALLY CATCHING PITCHES)
6)The whole Willie Randolph saga: Let me just say that I believe the only reason Willie Randolph was not fired after the debacle of 2007 is because Omar was using him as his fall guy. And guess what? it worked. When the Mets were playing like shit for the first two months, Willie got the blame and Omar eventually fired him after a long, drawn-out and embarassing saga. Jerry Manuel took over, the Mets played better, and Omar got an extension. Is Willie wholly responsible for the Mets being lousy? No. Is Jerry whole responsible for the Mets being pretty good? No. Is someon responsible for the Mets being lousy and then pretty good and thereby little better than mediocre? Yes, his name is Omar Minaya.

OK, enough for now. This season sucked, this weekend sucked, this team sucked. It's still not as bad as last year, but it's getting harder and harder to be a Mets fan, especially when the ownership doesn't recognize that the man they put in charge is shit at his job.

I'll have some more this week on my memories of Shea and who to root for in the playoffs (Hint: the freakin' Tampa Bay Rays).

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK...YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Holy shit, that was the craziest game all year. Ramon Martinez, Robinson Cancel--a hat tip to you gentlemen. Ricardo Rincon--go back to Mexico. Ryan Church--nice slide, chief. I still am not your biggest fan, but well done sir. Carlos Beltran--you have been much maligned by the NY media and the idiot fans that recent success has brought to the Mets, but I always believed in you. Sure, I wanted to punch you in the throat when you struck out looking at that Wainwright curveball, but you have been solid all year. Thank you for that.

And, Luis Aguayo or Jerry Manuel, whoever confused Daniel Murphy into bunting with 2 strikes in the ninth, you better go kiss Beltran's ass because he bailed you out for the dumbest play of the year. I'm looking at you Luis, you useless bastard. If the Mets make it, they can't put Luis Aguayo on the playoff coaching roster.

Let's go Pirates! For God's sake, show a little dignity.

Update: Fucking McLouth.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

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Creeping Sense of Dread and LT is a Pussy

Oh sweet merciful Christ, the Mets are taking years off my life by forcing me to punch solid objects and chain smoke in frustration. Listen we all know this team has been relatively resilient in recent months, but you can't be too resilient when your closer is Luis Ayala---who in a former life was just about the worst reliever on the Mets' local AAA affiliate here in our nation's capital. Thanks a lot Billy Wagner, I hoped you've pitched your last game on earth and die in a hunting accident you redneck turd. This shit is just too eerily reminiscent of last year. And fuck peanut's Brewers for completely shitting the bed all weekend.

So do I go to the games this week? I can't go tonight, but should I show up for a tired Pelfrey tomorrow, or should I see whatever junk they throw out on Wednesday (Brandon Knight?)? I know the bullpen will lose on Thursday cuz Santana's pitching. And let's not forget the Nats put up 18 runs on the Mets in 2 games last week. Fuckity fuck. I guess I need to go to a couple just so I can see Elijah Dukes commit the first on-field homicide in baseball history (please let it be Castillo).

Ouchies! I stubb my toe, no can play football!

Show your face you visor wearing pussy! If you're gonna be hurt make it a torn ACL or a malignant tumor, not a toe injury. Fuck, I know a Lebanese kid who played half a soccer season for Xavier with a broken toe. He had to run and KICK you dipshit. You are no longer able to use the name LT, because the real LT would play through the pain of a toe injury by completely numbing the area with a kilo of coke before plowing through 50 rails and raping three strippers. Then he would go out and break people's femurs for no good reason other than the fact that he was a violent maniac who wanted nothing more out of life than to break people's legs, do some coke, and rape strippers who looked like they were asking for it. And he wore dangly earrings just so guys would come up to him and make fun of him and then he would have an excuse to break their legs and rape their wives or girlfriends and if they were single he would punch their mothers in the throat and go do some coke and murder a tranny hooker. This is the second week in a row my team has fallen like 40 points short of their projected total, and those don't even take into account the 20 points I get from my defensive players. And while we're at it Maurice Jones-Drew can fuck himself too, because it's his fault the Jags O-line is fucked with injuries. 10 points from my 2 running backs?! Way to combine to be equal to Thomas Jones you fucks. And Ben Roethlisberger will you please stop throwing to that Asian man in the red zone, didn't you get the memo that this is Santonio Holmes' breakout year? And Kitna, your team wears blue and silver, do not throw it to people wearing colors different from your own.

State of the Mets August 4th

Remember this dashing young fellow. His name is Kazuo Matsui, the man who the Mets let play shortstop while forcing Jose Reyes over to second base. He also has a sweet semi-orange Oriento-mullet. He enjoys sushi, watching old American westerns, and raping children (note: these things may or may not be true). You may remember him as the man who hit a homerun in his first at-bat three seasons in a row from 2004-2006 (including an inside-the-parker). You may also remember him as being the Japanese guy who sucked at baseball so bad and got booed so mercilessly that we fondly looked back on the abortions that were Tsuyoshi Shinjo and Masato Yoshi. And he also just fucking killed the Mets during a three game series in Houston, including a ridiculous bomb. Speaking of which, let's take a look at how the Mets fared last week (I may make this a regular feature every Sunday night, but I only rarely blog anymore so who knows):

Record: 1-5; 1-2 at Marlins, 0-3 at Astros
Starting Place: 57-48, 1st place, 1 game ahead of Phillies, 2 games ahead of Marlins
Finishing Place: 58-53, 3rd place, 3 games behind Phillies, 1/2 game behind Marlins

Team Offense: .264/.322/.351, 19 runs scored. 45 men left on base.
Team Pitching: .291/.355/.518 (these are Avg/Obp/Slg against). 31 ER in 50.2 IP for a 5.51 ERA. 2.56 K:BB, 1.58 WHIP.

Best Player: Carlos Delgado with his .364/.400/.591 line, including the two-run homer that won the game against the Marlins. Reyes also hit .407 for the week, which is pretty good.

Worst Player: Well, Billy Wagner had a 9.00 ERA in a couple appearances, including a blown save against Houston. Heilman had a 13.50 ERA in 3 appearances (he got 2 losses this week), including a grand slam to Mark Loretta that lost that game. Joe Smith was not to be outdone with a 21.60 ERA in 1.2 IP over 4 games, including a loss against Florida. And yet this week the award goes to Mr. Scott Schoeneweis and his shiny 15.43 ERA in 3 appearances. Yea Smith was worse, but Schoeneweis has a track record of being a piece of shit scumbag asshole, and he gave up a bomb to a certain Asian fellow.

Most memorable game: The 10 inning loss at Houston that included a sick leaping catch by Danny Murphy in his MLB debut (and he doubled off the runner), then some little league movie bullshit where two Astros scored at the same time with Mark Lorretta trucking Castro with Hunter Pence sliding in behind him, and then a walk off sac fly where Tatis dove AFTER HE FUCKINNG ALREADY CAUGHT THE FUCKING BALL, allowing the guy to score from third.

Injuries: John Maine went on the DL with a sprained uterus, and Billy Wagner got an MRI today on his huntin' shoulder. Marlon Anderson also went on the DL with arthritis of the skeleton.

Conclusions: The Mets' bullpen sucks at pitching. These games were eerily reminiscent of every fucking game from last September, where the starters would come out after 5 or 6 with leads and the bullpen would blow it every time. Eddie Kunz, who was a closer on Oregon State like a year and ahalf ago when they won the College World Series was just called up and may immediately be our best reliever. Danny Murphy got called up and appears to have entered a platoon with Nick Evans in LF. This just plays into Omar's roster construction and player development technique: fill team with old shitty guys who bring "veteran leadership" and if they get hurt simply promote really young players before they are ready to advance in order to crush their confidence and lessen their value before trading them away for some more old players. Where is Valentino Pascucci?!!

Five Kekionga Losses in a Row Raise Calls for Lennon's Job

Fort Wayne---Thursday July 13, 1871

The Kekiongas proved to be the lesser squad for the fifth consecutive contest, as the Red Stockings of Boston, Massachussetts prevailed on Wednesday afternoon, scoring 30 runs to only 9 for the Fort Wayne lads. Kekionga manager William Lennon of Calhoun St. spoke to this reporter after the game, expressing disappointment in his players lack of focus if not their effort. "Our boys played their hardest out there, but I think some of our interior fielders need to improve their focus while on the defensive side," said Lennon. Though he did not direct his critiques at an individual player, this reporter believes his verbal lashing was directed at shortstop Lil' Jimmy Hallinan whose 11 errors contributed to 19 unearned runs scored by the visiting squad.

Lennon stated his disapproval of the younger generation of players, whose inattention he believes is endemic and a sign of the times: "These young fellows really get in my graw on occasion," said Lennon. "In my day we did not have professional baseball matches or players. These men are being paid as well as tanners or smithies, and still we have defensive lapses every inning it seems. Focus? These boys don't know the meaning of the word. Do you think I lost focus at Second Bull Run? Hrrrmph!"

If focus was the order of the day out at Hamilton Field, then the competitor of the day was certainly Boston catcher Cal McVey. The young Iowan made only three errors behind the home base and led the Red Stockings' offensive attack with 9 hits (reaching base 13 times when considering four errors made on balls struck by McVey), along with 10 runs scored and 7 men driven home. Asked about his dandy of a match McVey's humble responses belied his farmboy roots. "Shucks," said Cal, "I was just seeing the ball real good today and trying to put it into play. It's easy to hit well when the other squad has nothing to stop the ball besides their bare hands."

First baseman Jim Foran repersented one the lone bright spots for the Kekionga, slugging a triple in six appearances at bat, and bringing home three men. However, Foran expressed disappointment in losing to the Stockings by 21 runs for the second time this season. "It's disappointing for certain. I really wanted to beat those gentlemen considering the rough treatment I received from their audience in Boston." Foran of course refers to the racial epithets shouted at him in Boston, where he was said to have heard names such as Black Dago, Cat-Eater, Dirty Mediterranean Immigrant Bastard and Grape-Smasher. The notoriously tough Boston fans had apparently learned prior to the contest that Foran had an Italian grandmother.

The focus (that word again) now turns to Lennon, whose apparent disgust with his squad raises the question of whether he is the right man to help develop a team full of young baseballers. Outer field player Harry Deane has expressed interest in the job and a team meeting is expected in the next week to determine the fate of their wizened leader.

The more important question for Fort Wayne's baseballers, though, may be the fate of the club itself. National Association baseball has undoubtedly gained a foothold in larger eastern metropoles such as New York, where the Mutuals have seen crowds as large as 6,000 spectators. The Kekiongas, on the other hand, have seen their attendance decline steadily from the start of the season. One spectator, a Mr. Wilford Hennings of the Hennings farm near Dunn Mill, put it thusly: "When a modest yeoman cannot bring his family on an evening pic-a-nic without these stick and ball men hurtling rawhide spheres at them, we live in dark times indeed. Sure I played some townball back in the 50s, but then I turned 9 and started helping with the harvest. I am perturbed by these paid townballies to say the least. We preserved the Union for this?"

A difficult question, but just one of several that must be answered by the Kekiongas in the coming weeks.

--Dee Trowe, Columnist, Fort Wayne Sentinel-Courier

Notes: Game time-2 hours, 20 minutes, called on account of darkness at 8:40 PM.

Attendance--135 or so.

Injuries--Jim Hallinan suffered two broken fingers in the first inning while fielding a sharply struck ball, which may have contributed to his later errors. Bobby Matthews complained of "dead arm" after the game, but says he will continue to pitch every inning of every game.

Congratulations Peanut

Not that you care, because Brett Favre's looming un-retirement (what a douche) is probably more important to you, but congratulations to Peanut. Your Brewers just won the Wild Card with the trade for CC Sabathia. I got CC by 13 months over Prince Fielder in the who gets diabetes first sweepstakes.

In other news: The Mets lone all-star, Loudmouth McRedneck just blew a save against the Phillies after a 3 hour rain delay. And you know what, I'm not going to watch extra innings. In fact, dtro is on a mission to ignore the Mets all week. Fuck their mediocrity, I shouldn't get so emotionally invested in what a bunch of rich assholes are doing. Maybe I'll watch the Rays or something.

Ask a Celebrity: Today's Hot Sports Topic

Baseball tonight just did a long segment about the dangers of maple bats. Are they dangerous? Should MLB ban them? Could they wind up killing somebody? Let's ask our old friend Don Imus:





Imus: Are they black?

Indiana Jones and the Aliens of Stonehenge

Since I went on a two month hiatus it's time for a double dip of posting. The title of this post belongs to LCT, which is what he referred to the new Indiana Jone movie as we were walking out of the theater thoroughly disappointed. (Warning: this will completely spoil the entire movie)

Does this man look too old to be beating the shit out of big Russian dudes? Of course, he doesn't, but that is not even remotely the problem with the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of the Aliens who Landed in Macchu Picchu in 1500 in Generic-Looking Flying Saucers and Were Made Out of Super-Magnetic Glass and Had Mind Control Powers and Bestowed upon Mankind the Gift of Irrigation and Plows and Love and Whose Secret Treasure Trove was Full of the Greatest Treasure of All, Namely Knowledge. I'm not sure if that's the full title, but let me reiterate: "THEIR TREASURE WAS KNOWLEDGE! KNOWLEDGE!!!"

Don't look in the eyes! Aaaaah!

I fucking loved Indiana Jones. That to me was the greatest trilogy of movies of all time. They definitely beat the shit out of Lord of the Rings or Star Wars, in my opinion. Hell, between the ages of 7-11 I wanted to be an archaeologist. And now I just want to step on Stephen Spielberg's nutsack while wearing rugby boots. I have been hearing for years about a new Indiana Jones movie, and been patiently waiting as Spielberg and Lucas sifted through hundreds of scripts to find just the right one. And then they just said fuck it and did some stupid alien shit like they always do. As a stupid and entertaining summer movie, Crystal Skull is perfectly acceptable. But it is just so much worse than the other Indiana Jones movies. Allow me to explain:

• Indy is no longer an archaeologist. He is now Colonel Henry Jones Jr. of the OSS and CIA and Justice League




• Did I mention it's about aliens?




• The aliens look exactly like aliens, i.e. exactly like what all aliens in every movie ever always look like. Their spaceships are flying saucers.




• Soviets are a good foe. Except the super KGB task force with which Indy must do battle is led by a sword-wielding Cate Blanchett with a terrible accent. Not to be sexist, but a female villain just didn't do it for me.




• Karen Allen (the one from Raiders of the Lost Ark) left her acting ability behind in the 80s somewhere...perhaps trying to find her former talent could have been Indiana's quest.




• Shia LaBOOF plays Mutt Williams, Indy's greaser son. He is fine. Except at one point he swings through the Amazon on some vines a la Tarzan with a bunch of horrible-looking cgi monkeys and catches up to a speeding car. I'm all for action, even if it's a little bit dumb. But the action sequences were so over-the-top unbelievable in a way that makes the first three movies look like documentaries.




• The "history" stuff was just kind of thrown in. Obviously, the first three movies were not real history, but you sort of got the sense that Indiana Jones' background in archaeology and history was important to the plot. The history stuff in this one was: oh yea there was some conquistador and then...aliens!!!




• They threw so much random shit in there that half the dialogue seemed to be explaining exposition.




• You remember how in Last Crusade there were those dudes with the triple cross tattoo thing trying to keep the grail a secret? And they were really noble and shit and when the guy dies it's pretty sad. There are people like that in this one, trying to keep the Crystal Skull stuff a secret, except they're all scary looking "natives" and are ruthlessly slaughtered by both Indiana Jones and the Russians without a hint of remorse. Something tells me that if Indiana Jones was looking for the lost Dead Sea Scroll and its location was guarded by a secret legion of Heebs, Spielberg might have thought twice about the way those characters were treated in the movie.

Steeevee! I can haz job pleez?

I hear they're already working on Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Montezuma---it's about dinosaurs.

I'm back! And the Mets still suck

I have decided to make my return to redstripe and chonic due to the incessant clamoring of my reader(s). First off, I clearly have to talk about the Mets and this post is going to naturally be negative as they are fucking losing 10-0 to the motherfucking horrible Seattle Mariners. Let's actually clarify that a little more. Ollie gave up 5 er in 5 innings and 8 baserunners, and he's on my fantasy team and really can't suck now because Marcum and Zambrano (the one that I don't want to repeatedly punch in the throat) both went on the dl last week. Also, Gary Cohen just reminded me of something I read on metsgeek, which is that we are getting shut out by R.A. Dickey, a man who was born without his medialcollateralolioislal ligament. That's the ligament they fix/replace when they do Tommy John surgery and he doesn't even fucking have one. And the mets can't hit him of course...a team could come out with Dickey, Jim Abbot, Johnny Cancerboy Lester, the exhumed corpse of Mordecai "3-finger" Brown, and that kid Terry with one leg who almost made the Xavier freshman team and see how many times a cripple can strike out Delgado.

Anyway, let's get on to the now old news: the Mets fired Willie Randolph. As is the Mets wont, the Wilpons and the front office handled this with a complete lack of class, tact, or basic common sense. The Wilpons put the whole thing on Minaya, then repeatedly leaked things to the press hinting at Randolph's imminent demise in order to force Omar's hand. Then they made the man fly 3000 miles and fired him in the middle of the night after a win. Not that the win mattered, but really? You couldn't just fire him on Sunday and have started the road trip with Jerry Manuel? My problem is not that Willie got fired. He was not a good manager. But he was fired 9 months too fucking late, and at that point it just felt like a total distraction from the real problems of the team. The Mets have 5 good players that I can count: Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Santana, and Maine. Ollie is hit or miss, and Billy Wagner can suck a dick. Ok, so we'll call it 6 1/2 good players. Pelfrey may be added to the list at a later date. Willie Randolph did not sign those people. But Willie Randolph also did not refuse to find a solid backup plan for Alou or Delgado or Pedro. Willie Randolph did not pretend that the Milledge thing was a good idea just because Church played way over his head for two months. The fact that Ryan Church being hurt is such an enormous blow to the Mets lineup is retarded...and not Willie's fault. Willie Randolph did not ensure that Luis "Gimp" Castillo will be a Met in 2011.

Read my last sentence again. Look at the picture above. Now tell me who should be fired? Our biggest fucking hits this year have come from Fernando Tatis, Robinson Cancel, and Damion Easley. That is not a product of shrewd management and picking up overlooked guys. That is 3 lucky fucking hits from some of the washed-up schmucks with whom Omar Minaya has littered this Mets roster. Are you old (and preferrably Latino, though that's neither here nor there)? Were you once good like in the late 90s or somehow connected to the Expos organization? Are you out of work due to the fact that 29 teams have recognized your significantly diminished skills? Well come to the Mets! We have room for all of you! All of this means that the Wilpons fired the wrong guy. Or at least they fired one guy too few.

When LCT happily told me "thank god Pudge will not be the Tigers' catcher next year," I jokingly told him that he would be the Mets catcher... Except I don't know if I was joking.

Overreaction Update

Bad boys bad boys! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?


It was self-defense pankey. Deny deny deny

Where's Waldo?

Hey remember this guy? I had all the books and I remember my favorite was the one where Waldo traveled through time. He went to caveman days, ancient Rome, ancient China, medieval times, even (gasp) the future. However, I always felt there was one time period missing and it turns out I was right. See if you can find Waldo hiding in the early 90s:

Guess Who's Back?!!

The man. The legend. Lastings Darnell Milledge!

I've missed my boy in the argyle sweater. He's off to a decent start--308/351/442 with only one jack. Captain redass can suck my balls, though. We'll see how the modern day Hank Aaron performs in his return to Shea and what kind of welcome the fans give him. Those fuckers out at the stadium better cheer him and then throw bottles at Omar's box, otherwise this fanbase has truly jumped the shark (booing Johan? BLASPHEMY!).

Well, actually, I hope Pelfrey shuts 'em down. And I get to watch this series on MASN! Sweet!

I wish I had known about this 9 years ago

In 7th grade we had a science fair sort of. Actually, it was a "consumer fair" where we had to find a product and test out different brands to see which was the best. Then we had to make a huge posterboard to display the results and be prepared to present our findings to a panel of objective judges. I had no idea what to do and I didn't get in with a group fast enough, so I just copied another group and did steel wool pads. I had Brillo vs. SOS vs. some generic Key Food brand or something. And you know what? They were all the fucking same, but I had to come up with charts and graphs and shit to show some sort of difference (and my mom used to opportunity to get me to clean the oven). Anyway, it was all a huge waste of time, especially since the other steel wool group blew me out of the water with a superior posterboard. But today I realized what I should have done all those years ago---KNIVES!

That's Warhol you cultureless mooks

Inspired by #1 on this list from Cracked, I now realize I should have gotten my mom to shell out a few easy payments to the good folks at Miracle Blade and Ronco so I could test out knives. I could filet fish, cut hammers, throw random fruits in the air and try to slice them, throw the knives at Derek Jeter or Leonardo DiCaprio posters (my two most hated people in those days..fuck Titanic!). Either way we'd have some sweet knives at home, and coming up with the experiments would have been significantly more interesting than those for steel wool. Really, though, this is not the time to dwell on the past; what's done is done. But we can still look to the future, and what people of the current time need to know is: which knife is best? Should we trust creepy leatherface Ron Ronco and the impressed American audience, or boring ass Chef Tony and the snooty French onlookers? (Commercials are in 2 parts) You decide:







VS.





I think I got most of the ads in there. As anyone who knows me well can tell you, I am bound to be partial to Ronco because, simply put, I think that is the greatest bit of programming ever put on television. Any time I see that ad I drop what I'm doing and watch. But since I just found out about Miracle Blade, I'll be fair and lay out the pros and cons of our combatants so you can make an informed decision.


RONCO Pros:

• Gets rid of unwanted in-laws (har har) w/ obscenely small sandwiches
• Sharper than a samurai sword-BANSAI!
• Comes w/ tons of stuff (600 steak knives! solid flavor injector!)
• Cuts hammers, oranges
  
• Cheaper than those motherfucking $900 Kraut knives, those Nazi schmucks

RONCO Cons:

• You apparently have to tell all your friends about them, which Ronco will monitor with high-powered surveillance equipment
• Personally delivered by Ron Popeil, who won't leave your house until you give him a fifth of scotch and listen to him talk about life back in the 19dicketies

• 

MIRACLE BLADE Pros:

• Can cut a pineapple....in MID FUCKING AIR
• Accuhandle super powers---rock and chop, bitches
• Perfection series presumably perfect
• Cuts hammers, oranges, sheet rock
  
• Works even for those with stiff hands
• Seems to appeal to I-ties
  

MIRACLE BLADE Cons:

• Fewer knives and accoutrement than Ronco
• Chef Tony throws away everything he cuts; hey dickfuck, there are starving people in China and shit
• Seems to appeal to I-ties

So who wins? You decide.

Lessons from overreactions throughout history

Sometimes things happen. Then people react in violent or ridiculous ways. What can we learn from these things?8000 BC?
Action: People are sinning and shit.
Reaction: God fucking kills everyone with a huge flood.
Consequences: Noah builds an ark and saves all the animals; forced incest for repopulation of earth. Evan Almighty.
Lessons: Yahweh will fuck your shit up. Steve Carrell can't really carry a vehicle without hilarious supporting performances.

6000 BC
Action: The enslaved Israelites are shitting out kids left and right making Pharaoh nervous of their growing population.
Reaction: Instead of implementing a sensible family planning program like Communist China, Pharaoh decides to just drown all the male babies.
Consequences: Moses goes river rafting, talks to God, unleashes 10 plagues (including one that kills a bunch of Egyptian kids--karma, bitches) leads Jews out of Egypt, drowns army in Red Sea. Charlton Heston becomes a star despite being a crazy gun-nut with no acting ability.
Lessons: Don't go killing babies unless you're prepared to face the wrath of Yahweh. Charlton Heston was a dickfuck.

1776
Action: British put taxes on tea and stamps and shit.
Reaction: American colonists start revolution, beginning around Boston because they do not like taxes. Fucking Massholes.
Consequences: Long, drawn out war of attrition. Birth of America. Mel Gibson makes The Patriot, which was just as long as but much much worse than Braveheart.
Lessons: Stupid ass Americans go apeshit over taxes. We are better than English people. Mel Gibson needed to chill on the period pieces.

1914
Action: Gavrilo Princip assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
Reaction: Everyone goes to war over one dipshit.
Consequences: Like 14 million dead people or so; Soviets take over Russia.
Lessons: As George Washington warned us: avoid long-term or entangling alliances. Also, one dead guy is not worth a war. Except maybe Jose Reyes. I can't think of a WWI movie.

1941
Action: The Japanese crash a bunch of planes into ships at Pearl Harbor.
Reaction: US puts Japanese-Americans in internment camps. Drops nukes on Japan.
Consequences: Presumably, an earlier end to the Pacific war. Fucked up radioactive people. This Carlos Menstealia bit. That movie Pearl Harbor.
Lessons: Don't crash planes into our shit, because America will fuck your country up. Mind of Mencia is probably the worst thing ever to happen to comedy. Michael Bay doesn't fucking know how to make movies despite huge budgets and tons of special effects.

2005
Action: Dtro and teammate lose beer pong game to a couple of girls.
Reaction: I punch a hole in the wall.
Consequences: Nothing really.
Lessons: Punching a wall is an acceptable way to vent anger and frustration. I take beer pong too seriously. I drink too much.

2008
Action: Some girl at work pours soda on Pankey.
Reaction: Pankey throws hot tea on her.
Consequences: Pankey is fired. Girl is not.
Lessons: You cannot pour hot liquids on girls, unless they ask you to or give you a look that tells you they want it.