The Year in Sports. Or how the Jets temporarily made me less depressed, part 1?

Well, Mr. Boyce did a bang-up job giving us a rundown of the best and worst of the best movies of the past year yesterday. I think he deserves a round of applause.../waits for applause/.../waits/...is anyone even here? Oh well. Anyway, he has inspired me to make one of my bi-seasonal posts and to break up the cinematic rote we seem to have fallen into here, I'll make it about sports. I suppose I could write about another topic: like maybe TV...but all I watch on TV are sporting events and movies.

To recap, I root for the Mets, Jets, Michigan football, and Georgetown basketball and probably in that order although I can't really say for sure. So what has been going on with these teams and where do they stand right now? I'm glad you asked.

Jason Bay dying inside

The Mets of New York Town

The 2009 New York Mets were cursed by the goddamn devil, who struck them down with a ridiculous number of injuries. This was not to prevent their winning baseball games but rather to mask the utter incompetence of the front office and allow Omar Minaya to keep his job as L'il Freddy Wilpon's trained monkey/fall guy for another offseason. And what did Señor Minaya do with his borrowed time to fix this roster? He signed poor Jason Bay in a thin attempt to hide the Wilpons' cynical contempt for Mets fans, who they consider so stupid as to believe that they are actually trying to field a championship-caliber baseball team. Here is the Wilpons' true goal: enough "meaningful" late-season games and a "big name" signing or two to trick us into packing into their beautiful little publicly-funded, TARP-sponsored restaurant emporium Dodger museum ballpark and lining their pockets (which incidentally were actually deepened by Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme, the fucking schmucks). Oh I can out-cynical you all day Fred and Jeff, so don't even try me.

Going into the offseason the Mets had as I see it: no MLB-caliber 1B, no MLB-caliber starting catcher, no MLB-caliber RF or LF, 2 reliable MLB-caliber starting pitchers--one of whom was recovering from surgery, while the other continued his life-long battle with the Yips--followed by a bunch of question marks (does anyone realize that the Mets' 3rd and 4th best starters right now are Jon Niese and Nelson Figueroa?!! And they won't even make the team out of Spring Training! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!), a 2B with no knees, a bullpen that lost "star reliever" JJ Putz, and a continuing lack of MLB-ready depth behind key players. What were Omar's solutions to these numerous and variegated problems?

Alex Cora--$2 Mil with a vest. Had to lock him up before the bidding war ensued I guess.

Jeff Francoeur--$5 Mil. He might swing the bat so hard he hits himself in the back of the head, so there's that. What I'm saying is: his potential comedy value far exceeds his baseball value.

Jason Bay--4 years/$66 Mil with a goddmanmotherfucking vest. Just a wee bit of an overpay there, Omar.

Henry Blanco/Chris Coste/Omir Santos--Gotta catch 'em all! Crappy backups!

Kelvim Escobar/Ryota Igarashi/some other guys--I actually like the Escobar signing and it's always nice to have a Japanese guy on the team. I guess we'll see how the bullpen shakes out.

Fernando Tatis--whatever. He's a perfectly cromulent bench player.

Gary Matthews Jr.--fuck my life.

Nothing else. That's freakin' it! They might sign John Smoltz (or as Ron Darling would say, "John Schmoltz)for some pitching insurance, but he is, as you may recall, 73 years old. Seriously, the guy is six degrees of separation from Old Hoss Radbourn, who threw 678 innings(!) for the 1884 Providence Grays.

I could also get into the Beltran surgery fiasco (guess whose side I'm on) or the fact that JJ Putz was never given a physical last year and then allowed to pitch in the WBC, despite the fact that he had been injured the year before and the Mets had just traded a bazillion prospects for him, but that would just be piling on to my own misery. Suffice it to say, I am not very happy with the current state of the Mets nor am I particularly sanguine about their chances in 2010.

I was going to break down the other teams, but I clearly get long-winded when it comes to complaining about the Mets. We'll save the Jets, Wolverines, and Hoyas for a part 2. And perhaps Boyce will chime in with some thoughts on the Giants and their rather Metsian season.

The worst year in sports ends...

...with a trip to the NIT.



Of course, by worst year in sports I mean worst year for dtro's teams in recent memory. And I'm also including the 08-09 Georgetown Hoyas among 2008 teams, because that's when their season started. However, if you want to count last year's Hoyas then a disappointing second round loss to a naked mole rat also fits in with the general pattern.

Let's review here: My favorite 4 sports in order are MLB baseball, NFL football, NCAA football, NCAA basketball. All other sports and leagues are pretty much pointless in my opinion.

1) The New York Mets of 2008 were not really collapsers, but a disappointing team nonetheless. And coming off 2007 and the 06 NLCS, it's not easy to be an optimistic Mets fan. Luckily, all Mets fans are sour-minded misanthropes, so the team fits our general outlook nicely.

2) The J-E-T-S were flying high for a minute before the reality that Brett Favre is old and sucks began to mainfest itself on the field. They were a true collapse and thoroughly infuriating.

3) Michigan Football suffered its worst season since the Rutherford Hayes administration or something. New coach Rich Rodriguez proved that recruiting and not necessarily coaching itself is his strong suit. The combined play of Nick Sheridan and Steven Threet was reminiscent of a back-alley abortion, and a loss to Toledo was probably very confusing and embarassing for LCT.

4) And here we are with the Georgetown Hoyas. The team started strong with a win over Memphis and only a loss to Tennessee prior to conference play. After they won at UConn to start the Big East schedule we were looking at a ranked team that was surprising people with how quickly they had recovered from the loss of Roy Hibbert and Jonathan Wallace. And then they started to suck. They remained fringe contenders for an at-large bid to the NCAA tournament based on the fact that the Big East has been anointed the greatest college basketball conference in the history of forever and that their strength of schedule is #1 in all the land, but the bubble picture has finally been clarified by their embarassing overtime loss to St. John's last night.

Let's delve a little further into the Hoyas' season.



THE HIGHLIGHTS:

-Greg Monroe. An outstanding freshman center with decent post moves and good passing ability. He's already the best player on the team, but he's not good enough to be a freshman phenom and bolt for the NBA, meaning he should only get better next year. He should probably work on getting rebounds.

-Youth. The Hoyas only had one senior on the team, so at least they can blame part of their failure on being young. Dajuan Summers is a junior and has a claim against Monroe as the best player on the team (except that he disappears for no apparent reason during large stretches of games)so he'll be back next year as the senior leader guy or whatever. Chris Wright and Austin Freeman are sophomores and showed flashes of goodness. Henry Sims and Julian Vaughn are young guys and tall, which is nice I guess. I truly believe Georgetown has enough good players with a couple of decent recruits to be a Big East contender next year.

-Nikita Mescheriakov. A white guy in the rotation? Hell yes! The Bulgarian Bomber, as I have dubbed him, was pretty awkward looking at times but he could hit a few 3s and looked like he was trying hard. Also of note, he is from Belarus, but Bulgarian works better in my nickname for him.

THE LOWLIGHTS:

-Jesse Sapp. The Hoyas only senior was expected to provide leadership and hit some big shots, or at least hit a few shots. Unfortunately he completely forgot how to shoot and forced JT3 to use...

-...Jason Clark. He's a freshman, he's athletic, he plays hard and he's a fucking HUMAN TURNOVER MACHINE. He can't dribble, he can't pass and it looks like he just went through a growth spurt and hasn't yet adjusted to the size of his feet.

-Rebounding. Nobody, and I mean nobody, on this team can rebound. The Hoyas have been outrebounded by an average of 47-11 per game over the course of the season (note: figures are approximate/made up). You can play all the defense you want, but if everyone gets 2 or 3 shots per possession you are fucked. JT3 talked at the beginning of the year about running more, because the team was more athletic than it has been in years past, except he forgot to tell the players that in order to run you have to GET SOME MOTHERFUCKIN REBOUNDS.

-Bad losses. Getting blown out by Louisville and losing a thriller to Syracuse are acceptable. Getting swept by Cincinnati, losing to Seton Hall, and blowing a 16 point lead against a St. John's team led by a guy named Rob Thomas are not.

-Losing to Duke. I think we can all agree that it's tough to see the "Leader of Men" and Duke win any games. Fuck I hate that team.

-Luke Harangody. His torching of the Hoyas for 31 pts. and 11 boards was fucking miserable. Luke Harangody is exactly like Tyler Hansbrough...if Hansbrough were fatter, uglier, less athletic, had a retarded haircut, and bitched at the refs nonstop for 40 minutes.

I guess Georgetown technically has a chance if they win 5 games in 5 days to take the Big East Tournament crown. But that's not happening.

Look out Davidson, we're gonna get our revenge!

In the NIT!

EDIT: At least I don't root for this team.

Hey Brett! Fuck your Mom

Hey you. Yeah you, retarded hick boy. I'm talking to you. I am somewhere between drunk and hungover from tailgating right now so I may not be thinking that clearly. But there's something I want to say to you: Eat a bag of cancerous dicks.

Maybe I am not making myself clear. I want you to consume all sorts of unthinkably disgusting and harmful things so that you might have some idea what it is like to watch you one-arm gunslings to the goddamn Dolphins all day. Remember when you put on that green jersey this afternoon? It was right after the bowl of grape nuts and the massage and before you and Mangenius decided to stick your fists up the metaphorical anuses of thousands of fans and then extend your middle fingers. Yea, that jersey. Everyone else on your team was wearing the same color, and that's the color you were supposed to aim your passes at.

Listen Grizzly McAmerica'sPlayer, this Jets season was hard for me. I had already turned against you at least a year ago. I understand why you have been so popular. You had that down-home-aww-shucks-mister-I-juss-wanna-play-me-some-football thing going. You seemed like a nice enough guy and your dad died and whatever. You inspired people like Forrest Gump and Corky from that show I don't remember. Everyone thought, "Hey if this monkey-brained fucker can be good at football, maybe there's hope for us all." I get it, but I wasn't on board.

For one, Peanut had already shoved the goddamn Favre DVD down my throat, so I was set. Did I need to know about your upbringing in Kiln and how your Uncle Cletus molested you when you were nine? No. Did I make up one of those facts? No.* Not to mention the freaking media acted like you were motherfuckin Mother fuckin Teresa or some shit. I hadn't realized that you were the only football player in the history of feet and balls who LOVED football. You were a gunslinger. You played like a kid out there. You played with the passion of a million suns burning on the summer solstice. Fuck that. You were never any more special than the media made you out to be. You were like a gunslinger who occasionally misfired and shot his friends in the femoral artery. You played like a kid who was too stupid to realize that crippling interceptions were bad for your team.

So obviously, Brett, I was already sort of heading down the road of not liking you. These are not new opinions of mine, but even if I was getting sick of you I still had a soft spot I guess. I mean you were Brett Favre! And then you pulled the retirement schtick for a couple of years. Are you? Aren't you? What's going on with Brett? You basically said "Hey, ESPN et al., please stroke my cock while I hold hostage the organization that has paid me exorbitant amounts of money to sometimes successfully throw an oblong ball at massively-more-athletic black guys. And remember it is only because I LOVE THE GAME that I am so torn about whether or not to take steroids** and accept some more millions to be slobbered on all over again by you sycophantic fucks."

So I was done with you basically. I appreciated that you were a great player. A hall-of-famer if that means anything in football. You won a pretty memorable super bowl and lost a more memorable one. But that was it. The gunslinging and the all-American plays-like-a-kid Kornheiserisms were grating enough without you actually acting like a dick. And then you pulled the shit again this offseason and Ted Thompson grew a pair and said "Hey Brett! Fuck your Mom. We're going with Rodgers." Good for you Ted. I liked that, I agreed with that. I wanted you end up on the Vikings so that even Packers fans would have to root against you and grudgingly accept the fact that you were a dick. And then what did you do...

You up and got traded to the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. The Jets. My Jets. My football team with its mediocre history and its mild expectations. The Jets, who could basically be ignored by the media, chill out in the Giants' shadow, and hopefully make it to their biannual playoff loss. You fucker. Now tickets were twice as pricey and your jerseys were selling like hotcakes (great investment Timmy and Plunkett) and everyone was watching the Jets and picking them for the playoffs and so forth. Every story related to the NFL was about how you were doing and how Aaron Rodgers was doing filling in those titanic-sized shoes of yours. Every MNF broadcast was Tony Kornheiser talking about you, no matter how tangential or inane. It was like he was playing that game from Super Troopers where the guy had to say "Meow" but instead he had to say "Favre" and then wait to see how long the football viewing publice would turn on him. Basically, you fucked shit up for me.

Now I'm living down in DC, Brett, so I didn't get to watch many of your games. I could phase you out as the Mets collapsed, and my college career collapsed, and other shit was happening. And then you had that game against the Patriots on a Thursday night. And I checked you and the Jets out down at Continental and there was a Pats fan and I got caught up in the game and the Jets won! In overtime! We stuck it to those Boston fucks! This was going to be our year! I thought, hey maybe I can get behind this Jets team despite the presence of Favre. This could be the best team I've seen since Vinny Testaverde was throwing shotputs over the middle to Keyshawn. The very sadness that is having Testaverde and Keyshawn as your best football memories MADE me want to get beind this Jets team. And then you beat the undefeated Titans. Best team in the AFC! NY-NY Superbowl! Well that's what ESPN was saying, and although I saw that that was pretty dumb I really thought this was a hell of a team and maybe I can learn to like this Favre character after all. And then...

Look, you just fucking sucked, ok. There's no point breaking down every game or each mistake. You fucking sucked and if Dick Jauron and JP Losman hadn't already gotten their checks from Roger Goodell to keep you in the playoff hunt you would have lost five straight games to finish the year. That is fucking weak in and of itself, but when you lose to the Niners and Seahawks and Broncos (no offense Pank)...c'mon. You collapsed, and that is hard for me right now. There is a big difference between being a Pirates or a Raiders fan, for instance, and being a Mets and Jets fan. The former people know going in that their team sucks. The might make a random signing or two and glean some false hope, and then the season begins and they watch and they say "Oh yeah, it's the Pirates/Raiders/Whoever. We suck. Now I will go be a productive and useful member of society." The Mets and Jets, however, play pretty well. They do enough to stay competitive year-in year-out and keep the fans interested. And you watch them and they're playing pretty well...hey, look, they're leading the division! All they have to do is win a couple games against some crappy teams and they're in the playoffs. And then they shit the bed. They just have explosive fountainous bouts of diarrhea, and it's all over the pillowcases and the headboard and everything. And I feel like I have wasted so much time and thought and money on these fucking teams, and then they just throw on some steel-toed boots and kicks me in the nuts as a thanks for all that.

But it's worse today, Brett. And it's worse because it's your fault. You sucked and you dragged the Jets down, and Chad Pennington gets a home game against the Ravens next weekend because you were horrible. And you are not a Jet. This is not some TrueYankeeism-type nonsense I'm talking about. This is the Jets. They are the Mets. They are the second team, the overlooked team, the team that sneaks up on you and wins and you go how the fuck did they win. They are an underdog. But, Brett you are the ultimate fucking overdog. You can't sneak up on anyone because at all times you are followed by a retinue of bootlickers with cameras and microphones. You never belonged on my team and I never even liked you any way. And then you were here and you got my hopes up, and you dashed them.

YOU did that, Brett. You ruined the whole goddamn season, and you're gonna do it again next year for some similar-minded sports fan in Buffalo or Seattle or somewhere when you unretire again. You dick.

*Actually yes.

** So Roger Clemens was pretty clearly cheating. He went to the Astros and still had the heat and had a sub-2 ERA at the age of 42 or so. And people were sort of talking about this way before the Mitchell Report. But Brett Favre looks completely and utterly washed up for a couple years, comes back with the fastball, and has one of his best years ever leading the Packers to the NFC Championship at the age of 38 and I hear nothing. Good thing only baseball has a steroid problem, because if NFL players took steroids I know who I'd suspect.

NFL Playoffs

Happy 2008 loyal reader! Ok, so your favorite football team has been eliminated from playoff contention and you are wondering who to root for in the final 4 (other than the team you gambled on). Well dtro is back and is willing to help you figure out how to make a decision by breaking down the combatants MLB playoff style. Admittedly I should have done this a couple weeks ago, but then I would have had to talk about the Buccaneers and their diminutive QB (that's QueerBoy) and nobody wants that. I come to you as an impartial Jets fan, with no (i.e. many) preconceived notions about the teams competing:

NFC


Team: The Giants are a team built on defense, highlighted by their aggressive pass rush, which is led by Johnny Gap-Tooth and Dirty Osi (for more on him look at Boyce's inaugural post). They give most of their carries to a failed linebacker in Brandon Jacobs, and apparently Eli Manning doesn't suck anymore. Him being a Manning is a strike against them, but Eli is kinda likable in a doofy and pathetic way (sorta like the special olympics). Jeremy Shockey has a broken leg, which immediately reduces how much one should hate this team.
Fans: Some of my best friends are Giants fans, so I'm probably biased. Suffice it to say that they are passionate people, but can't tailgate nearly as hard as Jets fans. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Sorry about that.
History: Lost that Super Bowl to the Ravens a few years back (turns out there's a reason why white dudes aren't defensive backs...(cough) Sehorn (cough)). They won a couple Super Bowls under Bill Parcells in the late 80s/early 90s (Wide Right!). I can't go back any farther than that, but Phil Simms was the QB of those teams and when I listen to him talk for an extended period of time I begin to hear a loud buzzing noise and have violent seizures.


Team: The Packers are a young team with a strong defense (Atari Bigby is fucking sick), an emerging rushing game (Ryan Grant is from Notre Dame so he can just suck a dick), and a QB who makes Jesus look like fucking Hitler. Of course, everyone knows about reigning SI sportsman of the year and grizzled patriot/leader/messiah Brett Favre. Well fuck him and his fake retirement press conferences (I also have a theory about 38 yr. old QBs having career years and steroids, but we all know that only baseball players take steroids).
Fans: Packers fans are passionate and loyal, and include my roommate Peanut. They brave harsh weather conditions to watch their beloved Pack. They are part owners of their own team, which is cool. They also have a cult-like devotion to Favre and mass suicides are expected upon the announcement of his official retirement. Not cool.
History: They won the first 2 Super Bowls, but that's only because Joe Namath wasn't involved yet. Joe Namath would have thrown for 8 touchdowns against the Packers and then impregnated Bart Starr's wife, but I digress. Favre also won that Super Bowl against the Pats (before they had fans) and then lost the next year to Terrel Davis and the Broncos. Also Favre has the all-time record for Gunslings (and some other ones too, I guess).

AFC

Team: The Chargers, like the G-men, are a surprise entrant in this year's conference championship round. Best known among their stars is LaDainian Tomlinson, whom the media has decided is the best running back of all time (b/c his O-line has nothing to do with it) and is therefore deserving to steal the nickname "LT" from a truly great/psychopathic player. They are quarterbacked by Philip Rivers (ya better ask someboddddaaaaayyy!!), and their defense is led by roidface Merriman (still got lit up by Jones-Drew, bitch).
Fans: Who knows? I'm sure they have supporters, but I don't really believe in the fandom of Californians.
History: Mostly not good. They made it to one Super Bowl and got owned by Stevey "Brigham" Young. Of note to myself is the fact that K Nate Kaeding missed field goal after field goal in losing to the Jets in a wildcard game during the golden age of Herm Edwards. That's really all I got.

Team: Bill Belichick is the fucking anti-Christ, and no one can convince me otherwise. The Patriots are all a bunch of cheaters and rapists. Rodney Harrison did steroids, which everyone seems to forget (maybe he and Merriman can have a who-has-the-smallest-testicles contest at halftime). Tom Brady is a Michigan man, so I'm a little torn on him...actually, fuck that. Fuck Tom Brady right in his queer little chin-cleft. Wes Welker is a stupid fucking hick, with an extra 23rd chromosome (according to LCT). Randy Moss is the only guy I sorta like on this team due to his admitted potheadedness and he's widely loathed by most people.
Fans: (must control rage) Many people know about my disdain for Bostonians and supporters of teams from that area. I'm pretty sure 99% of Pats fans have Welker jerseys to just 1% owning Moss jerseys--take that how you will. I also genuinely believe that most Pats fans were unaware of/indifferent to the existence of this franchise pre-2001. Not to mention that fact that Bill Simmons currently has a column up on ESPN.com trying to decide who's better: the 86 Celtics or 07 Patriots....I do not have the stomach to click on this column and will not link it, but its mere existence ensures that if I ever were to run into the "Sports Guy," I would gladly take a machete to his genitals.
History: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady invented this team during the Tuck Rule game against the Raiders in January of 2002 and have had unparalleled success over the duration of the franchise' short history of 7 years. Drew Bledsoe never happened.

The true axis of evil

Conclusion: As a human being with any sense of decency I have to pull for the Giants and Chargers. I kinda want to see the Giants win the whole thing, so that Eli and Peyton will have the same number of rings, but that would mean Shockey gets a ring too. Hmmmm....I tentatively throw my support behind the Chargers (blech). Really, anyone but the Patriots.

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!