Guide to post-season baseball rooting: AL edition

Ok, so you've read my post on the NL and the Cubs just weren't good enough for you, you ungrateful scumbag. "Dtro," you say, "I don't like real baseball. Pitchers hitting is too boring for me. I want a league that allows people like Frank Thomas and Matt Stairs to have careers, and that can turn a flabby fuck like David Ortiz into a hero." Well then here you go moron:

Team: Eh, Big Papi's schtick is getting old. Kevin Youkilis is cool, I guess: the Sox have a much better Jew than the Mets (Where's Mel Gibson now? He's in rehab and Youkilis is playing first for the Sox!!). Manny Ramirez is the truth; I always liked that guy, because he's clearly batshit insane and doesn't care about baseball...in an endearing way (and I used to take batting lessons from his former coach, Mel Zitter: didn't work). Curt Schilling will hopefully die soon in some sort of auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Josh Beckett has blisters on his scrotum.

Fans: Here's where the Sox lose me. I have met maybe two people from the Boston area I liked, and I've met dozens of these people. They are all insufferable douchebags, who have gotten more annoying since the Sox won a couple years ago. They are led by the ultimate cockweasel, Bill Simmons. I really can't put into words the extent of my loathing for these revolting, shit-eating, asclowns and their merry band of post-2004 bandwagoners. Oh, and they're all racists (not a joke). Their accents are like nails on a chalkboard.

History: They went from 1918 to 2004 without a world series title. Since 2004, they went from root-worthy to nuke-worthy. And with all the money they've spent over the last five or six years they're quickly becoming the Yankees of baseball.

Team: I like this team. Hafner for some reason sucked this year, but he's normally a beast. Grady Sizemore is like the new Jeter, even down to the faux-mulatto thing, so fuck him. There's a guy named Garko, which is a name I like. Sabathia and Carmona are just sick as shit. Willie Mays Hayes runs like the wind. Pedro Cerrano is learning to hit the curveball with Jobu's help. Uh, Charlie Dorn is softer than a shit after Taco Bell....wait, who was I talking about?

Fans: According to Boyce, after a semi-recent trip to the Jake, the stadium was dead. No life from the fans. Of course, that all changes in the playoffs when they give everyone little white towels. Still there's those guys with the big drum out in the bleachers wearing war paint (What do you mean, too high?!! How is it too high? It's too far!!)

History: Last WS title---1948. They didn't win a pennant from 1954 til 1995, then lost two world series in a three year span to the Braves and Marlins, which is pretty shitty if you ask me. They were the subject of one of the greatest baseball movies of all time, Major League, which I grew up watching and which provided me with much of my Indians info for this post.

Team: Vlad Guerrero is fuckin awesome. Crazy power and plate coverage, laser-rocket arm in right, chronic spinal problems that are going to derail his team's chances in the playoffs. That last part isn't as fuckin awesome. Bartolo Colon was left of the postseason roster, which significantly lessens the chance of an on-field death by heart attack in these playoffs, dammit! I think Gary Matthews, Jr. is hurt, which is fine because he sucks and still makes the GDP of S. Korea.

Fans: Just like Dodgers fans (arrive late, leave early) only there are fewer and they care even less. Fuck your stupid fuckin rally monkey in its velveteen asshole!

History: Is there a history? Oh, yea the won the 02 world series and thereby prevented a roided up Bonds from getting a title and WS mvp after he hit like 17 hrs in 6 games. Within the past couple years they changed their official name to The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Fuck the heck?!!

Team: This is a pretty hateable selection of human beings, led by psychopath/megalomaniac Roger Clemens, who once called his 11 yr. old son a pussy for not throwing at another little kid's head. His son was playing right field at the time. What can you say about Jeter? Winner, leader, nobel prize recipient, organ donor, rapist. Captain Cologne truly does it all. A-Rod is the best baseball player alive, but is not a true yankee so I will not discuss him here. You should watch Giambi eat lasagna--holy fuck, he sweats more than Al Roker in a sauna. Andy Pettitte learned how to throw a cut fastball from Jesus himself (he learned how to make love from Clemens; actually he was forcibly taught how to make love). Is Scott Brosius on this team?

Fans: Fuckin mooks, all of them. They're response to this would be, yea well you're just jealous. No I'm not, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I rooted for this team. 26 rings, baby! Go to hell and die yankees fans (except not the ones who are my friends).

History: 26 world championships. A list of all-time greats: Ruth, Dimaggio, Mantle, Berra, Shane Spencer, etc. A 3 billion dollar payroll. Overrated stadium that is about to be torn down. Oh and they patented the term "mystique" in 1999.

Conclusion: Gotta go with the Indians. The Yank$, Sox, and Angels have the 1st, 2nd, and 5th highest payrolls in MLB respectively. Indians? 23rd highest, just behind the Royals. [ I see nothing hypocritical in the fact that I root for the team with the 3rd highest payroll. Nothing whatsoever. Shut up. Nothing.] The Red Sox fans and my general loathing of New England eliminates them immediately. The Angels are just kind of blah. The Yankees are evil incarnate. The Indians have gone by far the longest without a title in the AL, and that Rick Vaughn is one of the best stories in baseball this year: from California Penal League to big-league closer...that's how you turn your life around. That's the sort of stuff they write movies about.