A Tribute to Donda West

It seems, Kanye West has continued on his quest to save music even in the wake of his mother's death. Dr. Donda West died recently after complications resulting from a tummy tuck and breast reduction. Dtro has received an advanced copy of Kanye's new tribute song to his mother (not to be confused with "Hey Mama" which sucks ass). Basically the song is a reimagining of Puff Daddy's "I'll be Missing You", with only a few words changed because Kanye has a hard time writing rap songs, and with a little old timey blues man singing in the background (they didn't have many intellectual property laws back then, so it's totally legal and ok for Kanye to jack songs from old black blues/gospel singers and use them in EVERY SINGLE SONG). Dtro has reprinted the lyrics below:

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the Oak
I played Atari, you bought me polos
So far from hanging on the block for dough
Oh Mama, they got to know that (Blues man: Oh lawdy)
Life in the burbs ain't what it seems to be
My words can't express your obesity
Even though you're gone, we're still a team
Fuckin Oprah fucked up your dream (Oprah)
When I die can't wait to see
If you in heaven lookin all skinny
Reminisce some time, the night doc killed my mom (Oh Lawdy)
Having flashbacks, like Vietnam
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
You'd give anything to have a smaller chest (smaller chest)
I know you're still living your life, Donda West

CHORUS (same as the Faith Evans one, but sung as a duet between Alicia Keys and one of the Jonas Brothers)

Kinda hard ever since you died
Know you in heaven, where you can "Touch the Sky" (clip from song "Touch the Sky")
Watchin me while I pray for you
Every day I pray for you
Why George Bush gotta kill Saddam? (because Kanye is socially conscious)
In my heart is where I'll keep you mom
Your mammaries gave me the strength I needed to feed
Now they gone and you are deceased
My thoughts, mom, about "Jesus Walks" (clip from song "Jesus Walks")
Wish I could turn back the hands of clocks
Buyin me ChiSox caps, Starter jackets, baggy jeans
So I could pretend I was from Cabrini-Green
Made me chicken soup when I'd start to cry
Still don't know why you had to die
You'd give anything to wear a smaller dress (smaller dress)
I know you're still living your life, Donda West

CHORUS

OUTRO (hard to understand, sung by Jamie Foxx in the Ray Charles voice)


Too soon?*







*Our thoughts and prayers are with Kanye and his family at this time. I do not want to offend people with this post, just wanted to make fun of Kanye. Oh yeah, you make socially conscious statements as long as there was already a movie about it starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Seriously though, I am sorry to hear about his mom.

There's Drugs Everywhere!!!

Two recent stories caught my attention, because I like drugs, toys, and to a much lesser extent fecal matter.

First off there has been a wide recall of certain Chinese-made toys throughout the US, Australia and South Africa, because they contain a chemical that when processed by the body turn into the date rape drug GHB. The problem was first noticed among Australian kids who ingested the toys and then proceeded to have seizures and pass out. The toys, which are called Aquadots in the US, have also been linked to a severe rise in sexual assaults and "date rapes" among kindergarteners nationwide, and a preprepre-teen pregnancy epidemic. Jimmy, a 4-year old Arkansas boy, said he realized the power of Aquadots early on. "I like aquadots. I put them in my friend Emily's Juicy Juice and then I can play doctor with her all day long."

On a side note, who are these parents giving their children little tiny balls made in China. For fuck sake, of course they're gonna try and eat them, because kids are fucking stupid. Although maybe this has taught some children a valuable lesson about self-respect and the importance of never demeaning yourself to the point where you allow balls in your mouth.

In other news , Mother Teresa up here could be a drug-dealer. That's right folks, there is a new drug fad sweeping teens of America: Jenkem. Butthash, as it is more commonly known (and as it shall be referred to on this site), is made from putting a bunch of piss and shit in a jar and fermenting it. You cover the top of the jar with a balloon, and then you huff that sweet, delicious gas. Sounds pretty gross right? But the high is far from shitty (haha). Butthash causes the user to pass out at first and then go on a euphoric hallucinogenic trip for quite a while. Check out this little dookiesmoker:

"It's not all bad," said Metamucil President and CEO, John Fink. "We've always done well with the older crowd, but this butthashish has really allowed us to crack into the 13-25 demographic."

One detractor of the new drug, MPD chief Antonio Jefferson, cited not only its serious health risks, but the rising level of crime associated with butthash: "We instituted the party patrol, but now I'm afraid we're going to have to add more cops just to deal with all those turdburglars."

(Thanks to LCT for the tip on butthash)

Update on last night's happenings

I'm not gonna go into details about peanut's personal life. Suffice it to say he had an eventful night. I did manage to capture a photo of him on his wild ride:

what is happening as of right now...

... is that Peanut has pulled a straight up Irish exit. We were at Fast Eddie's and he was doing a bunch of shot for his birthday and then he disappeared. Me and Turtle came back to campus and one of me and Peanut's roommates said he was back here and then left. According to Turtle his car (that his aunt and uncle lent him) is missing....so I hope he is not dead. If you are by any chance reading this as of the moment it is posted, please let me know if you see him. He is the same size as dtro, but kinda mexican looking.


In other news...if I hear any more shit about LGBTQ at G-town I'm gonna start gay-bashing some motherfuckers. NO! gay people do not get affirmative action! OK! Most of you LGBTQ folks at this school are wealthy white people, so just shut the FUCK up. I'm not homophobic...but I can learn.

Don Imus: American Hero or Fucking Douchebag?

Alright, well Don Imus, a shock jock who was fired for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," is back on the air. (Side note--a quote from Peanut's uncle: "Well, they did have nappy hair.") I didn't and don't really care that much about Don Imus, my only opinion of him being that he is a creepy androgynous scarecrow looking motherfucker, whose show appeals to old men, meaning I was forced to listen to it in the car with my dad a little too much.


I decided to break down some other takes on Imus. One is a recent op-ed from the NY Times by Dick Cavett and the other is a piece from Slate written, I think, before the nappy headed hos comment.

First, the thing by Dick Cavett is pretty terrible. He makes some valid points about everybody overreacting to the nappy headed hos thing and that most of the people (cough Al Sharpton cough) who were attacking Imus were only self-aggrandizing dickfucks. The rest of it is just Cavett licking Imus' bell-end and calling him a hero for being politically incorrect, all the while making it pretty clear that Imus is a personal friend of his. One little nugget really stood out for me:

Imus and his supporting cast were remarkably up on the latest slang, rap talk and inside argot of the music world, the sports world, the street and all minorities. They knew everybody’s trash talk. Hearing it helped the listener feel hip, too. Or at least hep.

They were up on their "rap talk," eh? I think that phrase basically means that they were not. They knew the slang of "ALL minorities"? Really? They knew all the latests phrases from Ecuador and Bangladesh, huh? You fuckin' mook. He made you feel "hep." Oh my motherfucking Lord, I don't even know where to begin here. You sound old as shit right there. I guess Imus had all the cutting edge FDR-Polio jokes, huh? Take that you PC liberal hippies!

Now onto the Slate article, which basically characterizes Imus as a racist/homophobic/sexist etc. bastard and criticizes all the politicians and other folks who went on his show. The article itself is kind of boring, but then the writer gives us a list of quotes from Imus, which is worth breaking down...

On blacks:

"We all have 12-inch penises" (supposedly racist comment on what he, Nat Turner, Malcolm X, Louis Farrakhan, Latrell Sprewell, and Al Shaprton all have in common)
This comment is laughable: it would make Imus the most well-hung hermaphrodite in history.

"Wasn't in woodpile, was he?" (on some black militant guy, who was found hiding in a shed in Alabama after exchanging gunfire with police...according to the author it refers to the saying "nigger in the woopile")
Just another example of Imus' amazing ability to create biting satire on modern America using phrases not uttered since the 1920s.

"Knuckle-dragging, moron"(racist take on Patrick Ewing)
This would imply that Patrick Ewing's arms are each like 6 feet 9 inches long, which would probably make him some kind of superhero.


On Jews:

"I remember when I first had [the Blind Boys of Alabama] on a few years ago, how the Jewish management at whatever, whoever we work for, CBS, or whatever it is, were bitching at me about it... I tried to put it in terms that these money grubbing bastards could understand."
You think CBS management aren't a bunch of money-grubbing bastards? And I find it noble that Imus took the time to learn Hebrew and Yiddish so he could better communicate with his superiors.

"Boner-nosed...beanie-wearing Jewboy" (on some Jewish Washington Post columnist)
Boner-nosed! Hahaha. That's called comedy, folks!

On Women:

"Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cuz she was a woman!"
Ok, he didn't say that. Just thought I'd throw in one of my favorite jokes.

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice"
I got jokes!

"That buck-tooth witch Satan, Hilary Clinton"
Pretty fair assessment, if you ask me.

On Gays:

"The enormously attractive Chip Reid, I can say without being accused of being some limp-wristed 'mo" (on some NBC political correspondent)
Never heard the phrase "limp-wristed 'mo," but you can bet I'll be using it from now on. Clearly, Imus cannot be accused of being homosexual since he possesses both male and female genitalia.

In conclusion, when trying to determine the answer to the title of this post, it seems that Imus falls somewhere in between American Hero and Fucking Douchebag. It's probably closer to the latter one, though.