Song Lyrics Explained: LFO's "Summer Girls"

Today, we will make our second attempt at explaining the lyrics to a great song. Last time it was Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch." Today, dtro will tackle LFO's classic song "Summer Girls" (because it was on Peanut's XM 90s station just now). Without further ado (all pictures come from a google images search of "summer girls"):

INTRO
Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer Do you remember, Do you remember? ...when we met..That summer?? I like when girls stop by during the summer months. I am now going to devote this song to one particular girl who did that. So to that girl I ask: do you remember when we met that one summer? You know that summer when you stopped by?

CHORUS
New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits
Remember those guys. They had a lot of popular songs. You can look it up.
Chinese food makes me sick.
I am allergic to MSG. I therefore get quite ill when I order Chinese food, unless I request no MSG. Even then, I still get sick though.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer.
I like it when girls stop by for the summer, as I mentioned in the intro. In fact, I like it so much that I often refer to it using African American slang from the early 90s.
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch.
This may seem to come out of nowhere, but I really like girls who wear that particular designer. It's totally FLY!!
I'd take her if I had one wish.
Were some sort of frugal genie to grant me only a single wish, I would wish for a particular girl who wore Abercrombie and Fitch.
But she's been gone sine that summer...
I haven't seen that girl since that summer...
Since that summer
Since that summer when she stopped by wearing A&F

VERSE 1
Hip Hop marmalade spic and span
HAHA...I like starting songs with complete and utter nonsense ;)
Met you one summer and it all began
I met you one summer and then some stuff happened
You're the best girl that I ever did see
You are simply put the best girl I've ever seen. Just the best in general. But there could be a better girl out there; I just haven't seen her.
The great Larry Bird jersey 33
Larry Bird was good at basketball and his number was 33. I know it's kind of a non sequitur, but I like non sequiturs.
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Whenever you drink anything you emit a buzzing sound. It's very disconcerting.
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
I am on very personal terms with Elizabethan age bard William Shakespeare, who wrote a number of sonnets.
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
I am mute like Willy Whistle: this is a reference to a 1960s Boston area public broadcasting kids TV show host. I bet that totally fucked with your head. And actually I can speak, as evidenced by this song.
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Your eyes contained some sort of insanity-inducing agents. The mental issues they caused me play a large part in why I speak in totally unrelated, yet rhyming couplets.
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad
I cannot forget you, and it's making me really fucking angry. So not fly
Left one day and you never came back
You left me forever. I can't really blame you, though. I am crazy.
Stayed all summer then went back home
You stayed all summer and then returned home, probably due to work or school commitments.
Macauly Culkin wasn't home alone
Common misconception, but Macauly Culkin was NOT home alone. He was only an actor. His character, Kevin McAllister was the one who was home alone.
Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking
I thought we were deeply in love, but now we're not even on speaking terms. I was joking about that Willy Whistle thing: I swear I can speak. Speak to me, please. Please!!!
Michael J. Fox played Alex P. Keaton
On Family Ties. Remember that show. Yea, me neither
When I met you I said my name was Rich
I don't know why, but I gave you a false name when we met. My name is really Percival.
You looked like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
You looked like an A&F model, aka superduper hot!


CHORUS

VERSE 2
Cherry pez, cold crush, rock star boogie
hahaha...silly words are fun
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie
I used to skip school a lot, because school is stupid and reading is hard
Always been hip to the B-boy style
I like to pretend I'm black. It makes my white friends think I'm cool.
Known to act wild and make girls smile
Sometimes I do crazy stuff and it makes girls smile and laugh at me.
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Man the 80s were so fucking awesome. Remember that song Candy Girl. That shizz was the FLYEST!
Remind me of you cause you rock my world
You are my candy girl. You are the best thing that ever happened to me...please come back.
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
You are from the US state of Georgia, which produces peaches as a major cash crop
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
Georgia is also known for its mentally slow inhabitants, who are fond of lemonade
You love hip hop and rock n roll
You like 2 extremely popular genres of music
Dad took of when you were 4 years old
You're dad left when you were only 4. You probably have abandonment issues because of this.
There was a good man named Paul Revere
Non sequitur time! Paul Revere, you know the guy who beat the French in World War I or whatever. I didn't go to school very often.
I feel much better baby when you're near
I like it when you are near. Feel free to stop by...preferably in the summer.
You love fun dip and cherry Coke
But really who doesn't?
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
Usually people don't laugh when I make jokes. But you, you're a big fan of the knock-knock format and that's really all I got.

CHORUS x2

BRIDGE 1
In the summertime girls got it going on
Girls are much hotter looking in the summer, because they are not wearing stupid winter coats
Shake and wiggle to a hip hp song
Perform spastic movements to a hip hop song. I command you.
Summertime girls are the kind I like
Just though I'd go over that one more time.
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.
Remember that time I stole your bike? Yea, well if you don't watch it I'll take your fucking honey too. I'm like Winnie the Pooh motherfucker.



VERSE 3

Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
First line of a verse= total bullshit
My mind take me back there oh so quick
I am quick to remember that summer we spent together. It was basically the highlight of my life
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
You know that movie about the man who became a fish? No? It's from the 60s or something...man I gotta update my references
Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it
Really miss that summer a lot. For real
Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese
I like the color purple. The color, though, not the Alice Walker novel. And mac and cheese is fly too.
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
I like ruby red slippers. I have a pair but I don't wear them outside cause my friends make fun of me and call me things like "Dorothy" and "homo" and stuff. I also like trees...but only in groups, not individually.
Call you up but what's the use
I would call you, but really what's the point? You wouldn't even understand half of my pop-culture references.
I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose
I like Kevin Bacon, but dislike his signature movie. That's pretty silly, huh?
Came in the door I said it before
When you walked in the door, I reiterated a prior sentiment...
I think I'm over you, but I;m really not sure
I think I'm over you, but I'm probably not--you know, considering I just wrote a song about you

CHORUS

BRIDGE/OUTRO

In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Summer girls are always coming and going. I guess those are the only two options.
Some are worthwhile and some are so-so
Some summer girls are cool, and some are not. Again it's a matter of only two options.

How cool are these guys?

Vindication

I have been saying for a number of years that Roger Clemens was doing steroids. In fact, my friend Butter called me to congratulate me on being right. Actually, I took the idea from dtro sr. and kinda ran with it. Anyway, the Mitchell Report has been released in all its 400 pages of glory and it turns out that Clemens did indeed do steroids and HGH (and his little Christian butt buddy Andy Pettitte used HGH at the least).



According to his trainer, Brian McNamee, Clemens first used steroids in 1998 with the Blue Jays and probably obtained them from teammates Jose Canseco (that guy really got around). After he was traded to the Yankees in 1999, Clemens convinced the Yank$ to hire McNamee as an assistant strength coach beginning in 2000. Clemens then used various anabolic steroids and HGH during the latter parts of the 2000 and 2001 seasons. Pettitte was given HGH injections while rehabbing from injury during the 2002 season. Little Chucky Knoblauch (perhaps the 2nd most detestable human on those Yanks teams, besides Clemens) also was getting in on the HGH game. David Justice was also on board with this shit, along with some other former Yankees.

All of this means that the Yankees fucking CHEATED and the New York Mets should be crowned as the true 2000 WORLD CHAMPIONS!


However, the Mets are not free from guilt. For one thing, the primary source of information for the Mitchell investigation was Kirk Radomski, a Mets clubhouse employee during the mid 90s, who apparently supplied steroids to half the known universe during the late 90s and early 00s. Also, it turns out (not to anyone's great surprise) the Mets all-time single season HR record is tainted:

Radomski has known Hundley since 1988, when Radomski worked for the Mets
and Hundley played in the Mets’ minor league system.380 Radomski stated that, beginning in
1996, he sold Deca-Durabolin and testosterone to Hundley on three or four occasions. At the
beginning of that year, Radomski told Hundley that if he used steroids, he would hit 40 home
runs. Hundley hit 41 home runs in 1996, having never hit more than 16 in any prior year. After
the season, Radomski said, Hundley took him out to dinner.

Thank God Beltran at least tied that record in 06. Please break it next year, Carlos.


ROID RAGE! Yea, our old pal Paulie Dukes was on the juice during his time with the Dodgers. If only Omar had known, Paulie. You could've had a 2-year contract.


ROID RAGE!!! Woo!! Back to my original point that Clemens is a cheating, psycopathic scumbag. It appears that Clemens was using steroids in the latter half of seasons in order to avoid wearing down, because, you know, he is way too old to be pitching as well as he had been through 2006. Isn't it interesting that he decided to take a couple of months to "decide" about whether to keep pitching the last couple years after MLB has finally instituted comprehensive drug testing for anabolic steroids?

Alright, here's my question. Is the BBWAA going to keep Clemens out of the Hall? Or at least not put him in on the first ballot? McGwire's not getting in. Bonds probably ain't going in first ballot, even if he might make it eventually. Palmeiro's not going in. Clemens has to be punished too, right?

How great is baseball? The most dominant hitter and pitcher of my lifetime both are fucking cheaters.

Hey Omar! fuck your mom

Sorry I haven't been posting much loyal reader. I have been busy not doing my schoolwork on time.


Anyway, I'm not going to go into too much detail about the Lastings Milledge trade, because I spent most of my venom making comments on MetsGeek, and because my readership only marginally cares about the Mets.

Basically, Omar traded a talented outfielder, who is turning 23 next year for a catcher who hasn't been able to hit for 5 years (and whose defense is overrated and declining) and an ok outfielder who is 29 and has probably already hit his ceiling. Baseball-wise this is a terrible, indefensible trade that does not improve the Mets next year and will probably come back to haunt them in the years to come, especially considering we sent Blastings to a team in the NL east. Not to mention, this is only a superficial change asthe Mets have still not addressed their PITCHING!!! problem. If the Mets trade Jose Reyes for anything, even if it's like entire Marlins franchise, I am denouncing the Mets and becoming a Nationals fan.

I think the thing that really bothers me is that this feels like a non-baseball move, where the Wilpons told Omar to get rid of Blastings because of his supposed character issues. Except that I don't even really believe that Milledge had character issues, but was just a kind of cocky young guy who was unnecessarily excoriated by the terrible NY media because he was black. And even if that is the reason, why did they get Ryan Church, a guy who once said he felt sorry for those poor Jews, because they haven't accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior and are therefore condemned to hell. Only half of the Mets' fanbase is Jewish, though, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Anyhoo, I thought I would try to convey how terrible a trade this was by giving similar trade scenarios outside of baseball:


Dtro trades his iPod to his sister for a sony walkman and the Jagged Little Pill cassette.



Peanut trades a case of Sundrop for a bottle of Poland Spring, and a half-eaten sandwich to be named later.


Pankey has announced a trade sending LCT a QP of the chron-don in exchange for two jars of butthash and a Phish poster.


Dtro sells his soul to Lucifer for the ability to do sweet yo-yo tricks.

A Tribute to Donda West

It seems, Kanye West has continued on his quest to save music even in the wake of his mother's death. Dr. Donda West died recently after complications resulting from a tummy tuck and breast reduction. Dtro has received an advanced copy of Kanye's new tribute song to his mother (not to be confused with "Hey Mama" which sucks ass). Basically the song is a reimagining of Puff Daddy's "I'll be Missing You", with only a few words changed because Kanye has a hard time writing rap songs, and with a little old timey blues man singing in the background (they didn't have many intellectual property laws back then, so it's totally legal and ok for Kanye to jack songs from old black blues/gospel singers and use them in EVERY SINGLE SONG). Dtro has reprinted the lyrics below:

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the Oak
I played Atari, you bought me polos
So far from hanging on the block for dough
Oh Mama, they got to know that (Blues man: Oh lawdy)
Life in the burbs ain't what it seems to be
My words can't express your obesity
Even though you're gone, we're still a team
Fuckin Oprah fucked up your dream (Oprah)
When I die can't wait to see
If you in heaven lookin all skinny
Reminisce some time, the night doc killed my mom (Oh Lawdy)
Having flashbacks, like Vietnam
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
You'd give anything to have a smaller chest (smaller chest)
I know you're still living your life, Donda West

CHORUS (same as the Faith Evans one, but sung as a duet between Alicia Keys and one of the Jonas Brothers)

Kinda hard ever since you died
Know you in heaven, where you can "Touch the Sky" (clip from song "Touch the Sky")
Watchin me while I pray for you
Every day I pray for you
Why George Bush gotta kill Saddam? (because Kanye is socially conscious)
In my heart is where I'll keep you mom
Your mammaries gave me the strength I needed to feed
Now they gone and you are deceased
My thoughts, mom, about "Jesus Walks" (clip from song "Jesus Walks")
Wish I could turn back the hands of clocks
Buyin me ChiSox caps, Starter jackets, baggy jeans
So I could pretend I was from Cabrini-Green
Made me chicken soup when I'd start to cry
Still don't know why you had to die
You'd give anything to wear a smaller dress (smaller dress)
I know you're still living your life, Donda West

CHORUS

OUTRO (hard to understand, sung by Jamie Foxx in the Ray Charles voice)


Too soon?*







*Our thoughts and prayers are with Kanye and his family at this time. I do not want to offend people with this post, just wanted to make fun of Kanye. Oh yeah, you make socially conscious statements as long as there was already a movie about it starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Seriously though, I am sorry to hear about his mom.

There's Drugs Everywhere!!!

Two recent stories caught my attention, because I like drugs, toys, and to a much lesser extent fecal matter.

First off there has been a wide recall of certain Chinese-made toys throughout the US, Australia and South Africa, because they contain a chemical that when processed by the body turn into the date rape drug GHB. The problem was first noticed among Australian kids who ingested the toys and then proceeded to have seizures and pass out. The toys, which are called Aquadots in the US, have also been linked to a severe rise in sexual assaults and "date rapes" among kindergarteners nationwide, and a preprepre-teen pregnancy epidemic. Jimmy, a 4-year old Arkansas boy, said he realized the power of Aquadots early on. "I like aquadots. I put them in my friend Emily's Juicy Juice and then I can play doctor with her all day long."

On a side note, who are these parents giving their children little tiny balls made in China. For fuck sake, of course they're gonna try and eat them, because kids are fucking stupid. Although maybe this has taught some children a valuable lesson about self-respect and the importance of never demeaning yourself to the point where you allow balls in your mouth.

In other news , Mother Teresa up here could be a drug-dealer. That's right folks, there is a new drug fad sweeping teens of America: Jenkem. Butthash, as it is more commonly known (and as it shall be referred to on this site), is made from putting a bunch of piss and shit in a jar and fermenting it. You cover the top of the jar with a balloon, and then you huff that sweet, delicious gas. Sounds pretty gross right? But the high is far from shitty (haha). Butthash causes the user to pass out at first and then go on a euphoric hallucinogenic trip for quite a while. Check out this little dookiesmoker:

"It's not all bad," said Metamucil President and CEO, John Fink. "We've always done well with the older crowd, but this butthashish has really allowed us to crack into the 13-25 demographic."

One detractor of the new drug, MPD chief Antonio Jefferson, cited not only its serious health risks, but the rising level of crime associated with butthash: "We instituted the party patrol, but now I'm afraid we're going to have to add more cops just to deal with all those turdburglars."

(Thanks to LCT for the tip on butthash)

Update on last night's happenings

I'm not gonna go into details about peanut's personal life. Suffice it to say he had an eventful night. I did manage to capture a photo of him on his wild ride:

what is happening as of right now...

... is that Peanut has pulled a straight up Irish exit. We were at Fast Eddie's and he was doing a bunch of shot for his birthday and then he disappeared. Me and Turtle came back to campus and one of me and Peanut's roommates said he was back here and then left. According to Turtle his car (that his aunt and uncle lent him) is missing....so I hope he is not dead. If you are by any chance reading this as of the moment it is posted, please let me know if you see him. He is the same size as dtro, but kinda mexican looking.


In other news...if I hear any more shit about LGBTQ at G-town I'm gonna start gay-bashing some motherfuckers. NO! gay people do not get affirmative action! OK! Most of you LGBTQ folks at this school are wealthy white people, so just shut the FUCK up. I'm not homophobic...but I can learn.

Don Imus: American Hero or Fucking Douchebag?

Alright, well Don Imus, a shock jock who was fired for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," is back on the air. (Side note--a quote from Peanut's uncle: "Well, they did have nappy hair.") I didn't and don't really care that much about Don Imus, my only opinion of him being that he is a creepy androgynous scarecrow looking motherfucker, whose show appeals to old men, meaning I was forced to listen to it in the car with my dad a little too much.


I decided to break down some other takes on Imus. One is a recent op-ed from the NY Times by Dick Cavett and the other is a piece from Slate written, I think, before the nappy headed hos comment.

First, the thing by Dick Cavett is pretty terrible. He makes some valid points about everybody overreacting to the nappy headed hos thing and that most of the people (cough Al Sharpton cough) who were attacking Imus were only self-aggrandizing dickfucks. The rest of it is just Cavett licking Imus' bell-end and calling him a hero for being politically incorrect, all the while making it pretty clear that Imus is a personal friend of his. One little nugget really stood out for me:

Imus and his supporting cast were remarkably up on the latest slang, rap talk and inside argot of the music world, the sports world, the street and all minorities. They knew everybody’s trash talk. Hearing it helped the listener feel hip, too. Or at least hep.

They were up on their "rap talk," eh? I think that phrase basically means that they were not. They knew the slang of "ALL minorities"? Really? They knew all the latests phrases from Ecuador and Bangladesh, huh? You fuckin' mook. He made you feel "hep." Oh my motherfucking Lord, I don't even know where to begin here. You sound old as shit right there. I guess Imus had all the cutting edge FDR-Polio jokes, huh? Take that you PC liberal hippies!

Now onto the Slate article, which basically characterizes Imus as a racist/homophobic/sexist etc. bastard and criticizes all the politicians and other folks who went on his show. The article itself is kind of boring, but then the writer gives us a list of quotes from Imus, which is worth breaking down...

On blacks:

"We all have 12-inch penises" (supposedly racist comment on what he, Nat Turner, Malcolm X, Louis Farrakhan, Latrell Sprewell, and Al Shaprton all have in common)
This comment is laughable: it would make Imus the most well-hung hermaphrodite in history.

"Wasn't in woodpile, was he?" (on some black militant guy, who was found hiding in a shed in Alabama after exchanging gunfire with police...according to the author it refers to the saying "nigger in the woopile")
Just another example of Imus' amazing ability to create biting satire on modern America using phrases not uttered since the 1920s.

"Knuckle-dragging, moron"(racist take on Patrick Ewing)
This would imply that Patrick Ewing's arms are each like 6 feet 9 inches long, which would probably make him some kind of superhero.


On Jews:

"I remember when I first had [the Blind Boys of Alabama] on a few years ago, how the Jewish management at whatever, whoever we work for, CBS, or whatever it is, were bitching at me about it... I tried to put it in terms that these money grubbing bastards could understand."
You think CBS management aren't a bunch of money-grubbing bastards? And I find it noble that Imus took the time to learn Hebrew and Yiddish so he could better communicate with his superiors.

"Boner-nosed...beanie-wearing Jewboy" (on some Jewish Washington Post columnist)
Boner-nosed! Hahaha. That's called comedy, folks!

On Women:

"Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cuz she was a woman!"
Ok, he didn't say that. Just thought I'd throw in one of my favorite jokes.

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice"
I got jokes!

"That buck-tooth witch Satan, Hilary Clinton"
Pretty fair assessment, if you ask me.

On Gays:

"The enormously attractive Chip Reid, I can say without being accused of being some limp-wristed 'mo" (on some NBC political correspondent)
Never heard the phrase "limp-wristed 'mo," but you can bet I'll be using it from now on. Clearly, Imus cannot be accused of being homosexual since he possesses both male and female genitalia.

In conclusion, when trying to determine the answer to the title of this post, it seems that Imus falls somewhere in between American Hero and Fucking Douchebag. It's probably closer to the latter one, though.

Song Lyrics Explained: Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch"

Couldn't think of any ideas for a post, so I decided to break down a song Peanut was listening to. Today, I will be explaining "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry, for those of you who have always found its meaning elusive.



(VERSE 1)
ALL RIGHT!!!
All motherfuckin right!!!
Break me down
Break me down
You got a lovely face
I find your facial features attractive
We're going to your place
We are going to your place of residence
Now you got to freak me out
At this moment you are obliged to either perform perverse sexual acts upon me or disfigure me in some manner so that I may become a freak
Scream so loud
You are screaming loudly
Getting fuckin laid
We are having sexual intercourse! Woohoo!
You want me to stay
You want me to stay with you for an indeterminate length of time
But I got to make my way
I'm leaving though, because I fear commitment: it does not fit my rocker persona

( CHORUS)
Hey! You're a crazy bitch
Hey! You have serious psychological problems and I thought I'd let you know, bitch
But you fuck so good I'm on top of it
I am willing to look past your possible schizophrenia, because you are adept at sexual intercourse; speaking of which I would prefer to be on top
When I dream I'm doing you all night
Your sexual proclivity is such that it has seeped into my dormant subliminal brain activity
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You have left scratches all down my back, most likely due to your insane and violent nature, but as a masochist these have only served to increase my sexual apetite



(VERSE 2)
Take it off
Remove your clothing
The paper is your game
You sleep with musicians for monetary gain, bitch
Jump in bed with fame
Get in bed with me...I think I am famous...I am not
Another one night paid in full
I paid for a bunch of shit for you, so you're welcome
You're so fine
You are attractive, and may or may not have delicate bones
It won't be a loss
Because you are good-looking I do not consider all that shit I bought you to be a loss
Cashing in the rocks
Slangin' crack
Just to get you face to face
So I can get some more money to buy you shit, so that you will have intercourse with me again

(CHORUS 2X)

(BRIDGE)
Get the video
Grab that VHS of "The Neverending Story" I just got from Blockbuster
Fuck you so good
This round of lovemaking is going to be super awesome
Crazy Bitch (repeated several times)
Just thought I'd reiterate that I think you are cuckoo nuts, bitch

(CHORUS 2X)



(VERSE 3)
Baby girl, you want it all
Young lady, you want everything, which is pretty unreasonable
To be a star
In order to become famous or a massive luminous ball of plasma
You'll have to go down
You are going to have to perform fellatio
Take it off
Remove your clothing
No need to talk
Don't talk, since everything that comes out of your mouth is fucked-up crazy bullshit anyway
You're crazy
Really, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are clinically insane before you will decide to seek professional help
But I like the way you fuck me
But whatever. You are really good at SEX!!! Woohoo!!!

(CHORUS)

Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit motherfucking PIG

What just happened: I got my ID taken away by a cop. This d-bag bouncer at a bar took Sam's ID from me and wouldn't give it back. I informed him that he was a fucking cocksmoke because of this. Instead of brushing off my insult, he decided to turn me in to the cop car parked down the block.

Cop: How old are you?
DTRO: 20
PIG: So whose ID is this?
DTRO: My cousin's
PIG: Where you from?
DTRO: Brooklyn
PIG: I don't know what you do in Brooklyn, but we don't stand for this shit here (even though I've gotten into every bar in this shithole fucking city I've ever tried besides the Tombs).
DTRO: Sorry officer.
PIG: Especially after 9/11. You should know better.
DTRO: What (the fucking fuck) does this have to do with 9/11?
PIG: Terrorists! Fake IDs! (incomprehensible rant about terrorists and fake IDs)

I don't even have the energy to try and remember the rest of the conversation. Needless to say, this cop was a southern-sounding hick piece of shit, who had no idea what the fuck even happened on 9/11. I am ridiculously angry right now, because I'm going home for Butter's play/b-day tomorrow and now I can't go to a fucking bar for a month and a half. I hope that cop gets syphilis. I hope that bouncer gets AIDS and dies a slow painful death. I would prefer that he get AIDS from a gay rape incident of some sort.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

I want some massholes to die tonight.

3 1/2 Weeks Later

Ok, it's been 24 days since the Mets completed their historically horrific collapse, allowing a bunch of scumbag baby-eaters to win the division and Pankey to win our bet (still scrounging up money for the beer and weed...I was gonna add advertisements to the site, but I think you need more than 5 readers to make any money). As my first post ever indicates I, like all Mets fans, was extremely upset...definitely more angry than sad...and needed to vent. I have since calmed down significantly, but still can't bring myself to watch too much of the playoffs (and now I have to root for a bunch of crazy ass born again Christians and little Kazuo just so those fuckheads up in Boston don't have anything to brag about). Anyway, I have decided to gather up my thoughts on the Mets and what needs to be done next year now that I am calm and clearheaded:

Who needs to go?

Tom Glavine can't get out of town fast enough as far as I'm concerned. This is not just anger over his last start (actually he sucked dick in his final 3 starts) talking. This is also righteous indignation over the fact that he told a reporter he was not "devastated" over the last game and not making the playoffs, but merely "disappointed." Glav seems to think devastated is too strong a word for a baseball game. Gee, thanks for the semantics lesson shitdick, but guess what? There were several hundred thousand devastated people in the NY metro area, so how about you just pretend for a couple days like going to the playoffs is actually more important to you than playing golf with John Smoltz and Steve Avery. Glavine did that whole bullshit run-around with the Mets after last season, flirting with the Braves "because of his family," then deciding that $$$$ is actually important to him. Just let him go; we can find someone to throw up a 4.45 ERA and 1.41 WHIP who is under 40 and might actually give a shit. I sincerely hope he returns to the Braves, so we can watch Blastings smacking ropes off him all season long.

Paul Lo Duca also should be sent to the glue factory at this point. He's old. He can't get on base, can't hit for power, can't throw people out, etc. Ramon Castro is the superior player, but if Dukey's on the team you just know Willie's putting him in there every day. I like Lo Duca's passion, especially when he went nuts after getting thrown out of that game against the A's and threw all his shit on the field and got crazy eyes. Paulie's just not good enough at baseball to keep him around at this point.

Shawn Green also needs to be shown the door. It was nice having you around Shawn; every team needs a Jew, and it was really funny when you're hat would always fly off when you were "running" after flyballs. Unfortunately, you are not that good anymore and are blocking this generation's Willie Mays, i.e. Lastings motherfucking Milledge.

Mota and Schoenweiss also need to go; preferably they can go to the east river and jump in while wearing boots filled with cement.

So who's on the 08 team?

Well, there's obviously some guys locked in for sure. My preferred lineup would be something like this:

C: Castro, player x (Kelly Shoppach, I'm looking at you)
1B: Delgado (who will suck yet again, because he broke his hand on the last day)
2B: Gotay
SS: Jose Jose Jose Jose, Joseee, Joseeeeeeeeeeee
3B: David Allen Wright
LF: Moises (for about 100 games hopefully)
CF: Beltran
RF: L Millz

Let's break this down. I want Castro back, because he can hit and is decent defensively. But he can't play full time, because his back would explode. The Mets should look to get him a platoon partner who's a little younger (great job not protecting Jesus Flores in last year's rule V, Omar!) and I don't know who exactly that is. Shoppach is only 27, can hit a bit, and is blocked by Victor Martinez, so I'd put in an offer for him. Ideally, we should get a guy who can hit a bit from the left side (damn I wish we had Saltalamacchia, for so many reasons) but I don't really know who that is. I would like to see Gotay get a lot of playing time, with a guy like Easley on the bench to pinch hit and fill in occasionally. Moises hit like a fucking machine last year when he wasn't hurt, so exercise his option, and have Endy, Marlon Anderson, and maybe Carlos Gomez give him a rest every so often/play for those two months when Moises' arthritis starts acting up.


Lastings Milledge is your everyday right fielder. He wears Hank Aaron's #44 for a reason. Can we please just give Lastings 500 ABs and see what he can do? (Side note: Lastings is CEO of Soulja-boi Records, and is pictured above with rapper Manny D. Lastings' rap name is L Millz. Soulja-boi, Inc. is in no way affiliated with that Soulja Boy Tellem/Crank Dat song. Lastings has been supermanning hoes since the age of 11.)

Rotation?

Pedro, Maine, Perez are all definites. I'd like to see Pelfrey get a shot coming out of spring training. The Mets should throw some money at a guy like Carlos Silva, who can take Glavine's innings. El Duque to the pen! He can be our 6th starter and long guy, and I think that's for the best so as not to overtax his 56 year old body.

Bullpen, Bench?

Bullpen: well, we know for sure you got Wagner, Heilman, and Feliciano. I have El Duque. I'd like to see more of Joe Smith, who has a year and some innings under his belt now. Jorge Sosa looked alright in the pen last year, and he's another guy who can start if needs be. Hopefully, Dirty Duaner Sanchez is back and pitching like he was 2 years ago. That would be awesome. Really, bullpens are random and can be constructed on the cheap with a little ingenuity, which Omar Minaya may or may not possess.




Bench: Backup catcher X, Marlon Anderson, Endy Chavez, Damion Easley (if healthy), Josh Phelps. What?!! Josh Phelps?! He's sort of young, can hit for a little power, and you can make him the righty in a righty-lefty platoon with Delgado. Who do we trade for him? I have no fucking clue; what am I, a psychic?

What will the Mets do?

Omar's not returning my calls, so your guess is as good as mine (if not better). I think if no great trades appear and after Posada is done using the Mets as leverage against the Yank$ and returns to the Bronx, Lo Duca is coming back on a one-year deal. Eh, it is what it is. Castillo is also probably coming back, because he's one of those guys that just gets way too much credit (especially from Omar and Willie) and Gotay is on the bench. I guess you could do worse than Castillo in your 2-hole...at least he gets on base. Pitching-wise, I really have no idea what the Mets will do, but that's really the important thing. The hitting was alright last year, so Omar really needs to not have a repeat of last year's off-season, when he traded Bannister and Heath Bell away for a case of fresh tortillas. Will Mariano be a Met? Never gonna happen.


Your thoughts on Willie Randolph?

He seems like a nice gentleman with impeccably manicured moustachios. He is from Brooklyn, so that's nice. I held him a little too responsible for the Mets collapse, seeing as he is only a manager and they really don't have that much impact on the standings. That said, I still personally believe him to be generally unintelligent when it comes to the use of his bullpen, overly loyal to washed-up veterans and thereby detrimental to the development of younger players, and tainted with the stench of Yankeedom. I am willing to look past these things and give him another year. That's right I am giving him another year...because the decision is mine and mine alone.

Top Stories from Around the World

Well top ridiculous animal-related stories from around the world anyway.

India: Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage. Dude, elephants are fucking party animals; they were just pounding some rice beer and decided to rip apart utility poles and got electrocuted. This is cool but even cooler is what pops up on a google image search for drunk elephants.
China: Panda bites chunks out of a 15 year old boy's legs. So some douchey ass Chinese kid jumped into the panda exercise area (like those fat fucks ever work out) and got his shit ran by a panda. The best part about this story was that Gu Gu (the panda) had once been bitten by a drunken tourist (presumably a drunken elephant tourist).


Truckee,CA: Rescuers rescue suicidal bear. So this bear "fell" off a bridge and was rescued with a huge ass net. Dave Baker of the Truckee Bear League said: "I've been on a lot of bear rescues and this is the most intense bear call that I've been on." He later added, "I just LOVE bears. Love, love, love 'em. Physically. I think about them ALL the time. I'm thinking about them right now. Sometimes I dress up in a bear outfit and pleasure myself in front of a mirror." The bear would later achieve his suicidal aim by OD'ing on Xanax.



San Francisco, CA: Two guys shoot an ostrich named Gaylord. Apparently, Gaylord the ostrich had kicked the shit out of these two guys and caused their girlfriends to laugh at them. What would you do in a situation like that? I think almost anyone would grab a shotgun and pump seven rounds into that fruity ass bird. The guys were sentenced to only like 5 months in jail, but once LGBTQ gets their hands on this interspecies homophobic hate crime, I'm sure we'll see protests on campus calling for harsher punishment.


Amsterdam: Orangutan only wants to bang hot Dutch ladies. Sibu the orangutan is refusing to mate with female orangutans and seems to only like blonde women with tattoos. This is baffling his handlers, who don't seem to realize he's not fucking blind. Who would want to fuck a lady orangutan?

Deep thoughts?

Here are a list of some "haunting questions" from a chain email that peanut's dad sent to him. I will attempt to answer them:

Can you cry underwater?
Why don't you ask the thousands of dolphins being massacred by tuna companies.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
They have to have an imdb page.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Everyone wears togas in heaven.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What the fuck kind of question is that? You really want circular pizza boxes? I shouldn't even dignify this with a response, but it's so there's room to slide your hand in next to the pizza to detach the slices from each other and thereby eat the fucking pizza.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Syphilis

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
I guess NASA had their priorities backwards.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
People are stupid

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
I've never appeared in either medium, so I don't really know what this question is trying to imply. Just switch the words around for a second: I'm on a movie, or I'm in TV. Makes you sound like a foreigner

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
See answer to baby-sleeping question

Why do doctors leave the room for you to change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
They actually have eye holes in the paintings in all their rooms and watch you change anyway. Doctors are very voyeuristic

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Dunno. I personally use the term tittie-holders, so for me they're both plural.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Toaster manufacturers are miserable bastards.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Just to rub the utter meaninglessness of his life in his stupid monkey face.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A hearse cannot drive, and requires a motorist to operate it, so no. But if a hearse had gained some sort of artificial intelligence that allowed it to drive on its own, I say we let it drive wherever the fuck it wants.

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
He can, but he wants to remain stranded on the island with Ginger and Mary Ann to act out all his deviant sexual fantasies.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Actually they are cartoon characters and subject to the whims of their animators.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Babies, sweet delicious babies

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
This is dubious logic at best, but the answer is yes.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Way to go, champ! Ya figured it out!

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
To determine whether they had the same tune, asshole. And I resent the implication that you know what I am doing. I actually didn't sing them, I fucking HUMMED them, ok.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you mean to say ass? That would have almost made this question understandable. An asteroid and a hemorrhoid are two totally unrelated concepts. Why do they call it a steroid when it's not on the stairs? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!1!!!!11! Is this the sort of shit you find funny random question emailer guy? I hate you.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
Yea, I noticed. Why are you blowing in a dog's face anyway? This is like me asking, did you ever notice that when you try to cover your children's faces with a rag soaked in chloroform they get mad at you, but when you read them a bed time story they fall asleep?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?
I didn't thank God. But if the man who wrote these questions ever tries to contact me again I will make it my mission to see that he is castrated.

LCT Fights: a Black Creature of the Night

VS

Hello, loyal readers. Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I have been pretending to do a lot of work for the past week or so. Anyway as promised here is our first installment of animal fights, but with a twist. We are instead going to do LCT fights today, where we match up everyone's favorite little Toledoan against some sort of armed animal (thanks to Muggs for her suggestion). Today LCT battles against a galago or bush baby, but Muggs refers to them as "black creatures of the night" and swears that this is their actual name so we'll use that. Let's break down the competitors (betting lines are NHL-style):










Black Creature of the Night (+180)

Height: 7-8” (not including tail)

Weight: 5-10 oz.

Lifespan: 14 years

Habitat: Woodlands and bushlands

Diet: insects, small animals, fruit, tree gums (?)

Gestation: 4 months

Predators: Eagles, owls, genets (?), large snakes

Special Skills: agile leaping ability; incredible night vision; powerful hindquarters; acute hearing; great balance (due to tail)

Weapon: Screwdriver

LCT (-140)

Height: 5’8”

Weight: 155-185 lbs.

Lifespan: TBD

Habitat: Olympic sized pools; provost office; his apt.

Diet: hotdogs, quesadillas, natty light

Gestation: N/A

Predators: provost, KK Hollidae, grizzly bears

Special Skills: plays various air instruments; strong swimmer; knows some French; kind of looks like black creature of the night

Weapon: water polo ball

The Fight: LCT has home field advantage for his first match as this one is taking place in ICC. LCT is favored due to extreme size advantages, and, presumably, a higher level of intelligence. LCT is pretty dangerous with a polo ball, but my gut says put your money on the black creature of the night. Those little bastards are nimble, and I think LCT's opponent (whom I have nicknamed Edgardo) will be able to outmaneuver LCT by swinging from the light fixtures. My guess is that Edgardo, being faster than fuck, can avoid any damage from the polo ball and swoop down on LCT stabbing him in the neck with the screwdriver.

Conclusion: Edgardo wins in a tight one and returns to Africa a hero. LCT suffers slight nerve damage (Edgardo can only hold a tiny little screwdriver) and a bruised ego. KK Hollidae makes fun of LCT for several months and continually slaps him in the neck wound.

Offensive Mascots

Coming on the heels of a protest held outside Lambeau Field this past Sunday over the Redskins' continued use of an outdated and offensive term as a team name, I decided to break down some other offensive mascots out there. (Apparently, Peanut thinks poverty, alcoholism and drug abuse, and gang and domestic violence are more pressing concerns for Native Americans...psshaw we're talking real issues here Peanut! Fucking mascots are keeping people down man!)


What is this shit? As a semi-Irish-American I am totally offended by this. It portrays all Irish people as leprechauns, and I can tell you without a doubt that leprechauns make up less than 15% of the Irish community. And why the fuck does he have his dukes up? Oh, i guess Notre Dame wants us to believe that all Irish people are violent, when in fact we are only violent when we're drunk, which is barely half the time. Not even an allusion to alcoholism? Jimmy McSpudeater, or whatever the mascot is called, could at least be holding a half-broken Jameson bottle trying to stab someone. Come on ND get your facts straight. (and the school is Notre Dame, shouldn't they be like the Little French Pussy-ass Bitches, or something more in common with the name of the school)


Is that a queer African-American guy, with some sort of skin disorder on his face? Clearly, the answer is yes. That's just despicable.


Great job Oregon St. Women have come a long way in this country, battling for suffrage rights, reproductive rights, and to eliminate the proverbial glass ceiling. And in one fell swoop Oregon St. undoes all that by portraying female genitalia as a crosseyed furry woodchomper. Misogyny has no place in the world of sports. It's called Title IX dickheads.

C'mon Steelers. America's steelworkers are hardworking honest folk, and you gotta make them out to be gay tank-top wearing types. This is offensive to steel workers and gay people alike, but you know what steel workers, you keep reaching for that rainbow!


You couldn't have just been the Deacons, Wake Forest, could you? No, you had to go and be the Demon Deacons, and make Christian clergy out to be evil. You might as well have kicked Jesus in the gonads. Why didn't you just call the team the Christ Punchers or the Virgin Mary Defilers.

This is "Eutectic" the mascot of the St. Louis College of Pharmacy. I just find it morally questionable to glorify Meth addiction so blatantly.


Are all Alabama residents obese? Yes. But that doesn't mean the Crimson Tide has to make them out to be elephants. And what does Crimson Tide mean? Is it that the movements of all those gelatinous bodies in the stadium remind one of the rolling of ocean waves. I assume so. And besides elephants are very intelligent creatures, with notoriously good memories, and live on average about 70 years (none of which characteristics can be applied to Alabamians). So really, this is just offensive to the elephants.

Fireside Chat: Isiah Thomas

In the wake of the news that the Knicks just can't live in a world where they're not paying Allan Houston exorbitant amounts of money and have decided to re-sign him, I was able to get an exclusive interview (fake) with Isiah Thomas:

Dtro: Isiah, great to have you here at red stripe and chronic!
Isiah: Thanks, man, great to be here. I love interacting with the fans.
Dtro: Oh, I'm not a fan. I'm really more of a bemused onlooker, like one of those people standing at the police barriers trying to get a glimpse of a horrible car accident.
Isiah: Oh
Dtro: Actually, I'm just kind of waiting for the Brooklyn Ballas to start playing before I care about basketball again. Anyway, enough about me...so what's up with this Allan Houston deal?
Isiah: I thought the team needed a veteran presence, and Allan fits the bill. He's lookin good in the workouts man, ya know what I'm sayin?
Dtro: Do you think it's wise to sign a 36 year old shooting guard who's been out of the league for two years?
Isiah: Ya know, I don't really look at that, man. I think Allan can contribute and he's been working real hard while he's been away from basketball.
Dtro: He has ARTHRITIS in his knee. Isn't this kind of a bad thing in a sport where running and jumping are important?
Isiah: (silence...looks at wrist... realizes he's not wearing a watch...continues to stare at wrist)
Dtro: Alright, I know it's a touchy subject, but I gotta ask you about this Anucha Browne Sanders thing.

Dtro: Why do you think it's cool for a black dude to call a black woman a bitch, but it's wrong for a white dude? Do you just hate all white people...besides David Lee?
Isiah: No comment
Dtro: You ever give that bitch a titty twister?
Isiah: No comment (nodding and smiling)
Dtro: In light of the fact that the Knicks suck despite a ridiculous payroll and you lost a sexual harassment lawsuit, how do you still have a job?
Isiah: I have some polaroids of Jimmy Dolan banging Liza Minelli...er...um...I mean, no comment.
Dtro: You ever superman a ho?
Isiah: Only my wife, Lynn.
Dtro: Alright, Isiah let's get to the fun stuff. Favorite song?
Isiah: Bitches Ain't Shit
Dtro: Favorite book?
Isiah: Where the Wild Things Are
Dtro: Favorite food?
Isiah: POPCORN!!!
Dtro: Alright, Isiah. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, and good luck with the upcoming season, I guess.
Isiah: No problem, man. Thanks for having me. And remember: there's still time to join the popcorn revolution!