India: Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage. Dude, elephants are fucking party animals; they were just pounding some rice beer and decided to rip apart utility poles and got electrocuted. This is cool but even cooler is what pops up on a google image search for drunk elephants.
China: Panda bites chunks out of a 15 year old boy's legs. So some douchey ass Chinese kid jumped into the panda exercise area (like those fat fucks ever work out) and got his shit ran by a panda. The best part about this story was that Gu Gu (the panda) had once been bitten by a drunken tourist (presumably a drunken elephant tourist).
Truckee,CA: Rescuers rescue suicidal bear. So this bear "fell" off a bridge and was rescued with a huge ass net. Dave Baker of the Truckee Bear League said: "I've been on a lot of bear rescues and this is the most intense bear call that I've been on." He later added, "I just LOVE bears. Love, love, love 'em. Physically. I think about them ALL the time. I'm thinking about them right now. Sometimes I dress up in a bear outfit and pleasure myself in front of a mirror." The bear would later achieve his suicidal aim by OD'ing on Xanax.
San Francisco, CA: Two guys shoot an ostrich named Gaylord. Apparently, Gaylord the ostrich had kicked the shit out of these two guys and caused their girlfriends to laugh at them. What would you do in a situation like that? I think almost anyone would grab a shotgun and pump seven rounds into that fruity ass bird. The guys were sentenced to only like 5 months in jail, but once LGBTQ gets their hands on this interspecies homophobic hate crime, I'm sure we'll see protests on campus calling for harsher punishment.
Amsterdam: Orangutan only wants to bang hot Dutch ladies. Sibu the orangutan is refusing to mate with female orangutans and seems to only like blonde women with tattoos. This is baffling his handlers, who don't seem to realize he's not fucking blind. Who would want to fuck a lady orangutan?
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