Deep thoughts?

Here are a list of some "haunting questions" from a chain email that peanut's dad sent to him. I will attempt to answer them:

Can you cry underwater?
Why don't you ask the thousands of dolphins being massacred by tuna companies.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
They have to have an imdb page.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Everyone wears togas in heaven.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What the fuck kind of question is that? You really want circular pizza boxes? I shouldn't even dignify this with a response, but it's so there's room to slide your hand in next to the pizza to detach the slices from each other and thereby eat the fucking pizza.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Syphilis

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
I guess NASA had their priorities backwards.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
People are stupid

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
I've never appeared in either medium, so I don't really know what this question is trying to imply. Just switch the words around for a second: I'm on a movie, or I'm in TV. Makes you sound like a foreigner

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
See answer to baby-sleeping question

Why do doctors leave the room for you to change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
They actually have eye holes in the paintings in all their rooms and watch you change anyway. Doctors are very voyeuristic

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Dunno. I personally use the term tittie-holders, so for me they're both plural.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Toaster manufacturers are miserable bastards.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Just to rub the utter meaninglessness of his life in his stupid monkey face.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A hearse cannot drive, and requires a motorist to operate it, so no. But if a hearse had gained some sort of artificial intelligence that allowed it to drive on its own, I say we let it drive wherever the fuck it wants.

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
He can, but he wants to remain stranded on the island with Ginger and Mary Ann to act out all his deviant sexual fantasies.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Actually they are cartoon characters and subject to the whims of their animators.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Babies, sweet delicious babies

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
This is dubious logic at best, but the answer is yes.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Way to go, champ! Ya figured it out!

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
To determine whether they had the same tune, asshole. And I resent the implication that you know what I am doing. I actually didn't sing them, I fucking HUMMED them, ok.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you mean to say ass? That would have almost made this question understandable. An asteroid and a hemorrhoid are two totally unrelated concepts. Why do they call it a steroid when it's not on the stairs? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!1!!!!11! Is this the sort of shit you find funny random question emailer guy? I hate you.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
Yea, I noticed. Why are you blowing in a dog's face anyway? This is like me asking, did you ever notice that when you try to cover your children's faces with a rag soaked in chloroform they get mad at you, but when you read them a bed time story they fall asleep?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?
I didn't thank God. But if the man who wrote these questions ever tries to contact me again I will make it my mission to see that he is castrated.