FUCK THE YANKEES

We got the good Santana.

Holy Fucking Shit!!!!

Johan is a Met!

Goodbye to Phil Humber, Carlos Gomez, Deolis Guerra, and Kevin Mulvey. I hope you all amount to nothing (sort of).

I'm a little torn, but generally pretty fucking excited about the 08 Mets.

Johan
Pedro
Ollie
Maine
El Duque/Pelfrey

That looks pretty good to me.

I Will have a more in-depth post about this later, and hopefully so will Boyce.

State of the Union

"Good evening, my fellow Americans, heh heh" (smirks)
(Standing Ovation...Dennis Kucinich pretends to blow his brains out with his hand in the shape of a gun)


"I'm here today to talk about the state of the union. We have come very far as a nation over the past 7 years, heh heh." (Standing Ovation...Obama sparks a L, rolls out)


"But we still face many challenges in the year to come. Our economy is strugglin', don't noone have healthcare coverage, Congress blocked my idea to have Haliburton buy Social Security, poor Roger Clemens is being attacked by jealous Texas-haters...these are not easy times to be an American. But I believe that our nation can unite to tackle these challenges as a united unity." (Standing ovation...Cheney looks flabbergasted, mutters profanities under his breath)


"Really though, I'm not hear to talk about America. I want to talk about Operation Eye-Racki Freedom, heh heh. Some Democrats have called for us to pull out our troops, but we ain't gonna do that. We will not stop the fight against terror, until the Soonis Shee-ites and Kurdis can all live in peace and harmony. Al-Qaeda! Unity! Terror! 9/11!" (Standing Ovation...live via satellite: Giuliani red-faced, mouthing "Hey that's my bit!")


"People were mad about my troop surge, but hey guess what crumbums? It's working, heh heh" (Smirks) "We sent like 2 million more troops this year, and only like 6 or 7 died. I think all the statisticulators out there can tell you that that is good, okay" (Standing Ovation from Republican side...Hilary stands up, but Nancy Pelosi grabs her and whispers in her ear. Hilary sits down, crosses arms, adjusts bulge)


"Not to get boggled down in the numbers, but we have lost what? Like 4,000 or something...brave men and women." (Standing Ovation) "Well the Eye-Rackis have lost like 45,000 people. You know what that means?" (Bobs head forward, smirks) "We're winning...like blowing them out!" (live via satellite: Rumsfeld pumps fist)


"Some people are calling this another Vietnam." (bulges eyes in mock disbelief) "But how bad was Vietnam really? C'mon, look at the positives of a pointless drawn out war. Vietnam gave us...cool new drugs, Rambo, hotass half-asian GI baby girls." (Smirks, John McCain nods knowingly)


"And so, we must as a nation come together to fight terror and have good security and stuff, ya know? They hate our way of LIFE!!" (Standing Ovation)


"Oh and you know...tax cuts, education, healthcare, economy, immigration, death to homos...Peace, I'm outta here!!" (Smirks, throws down mic, standing ovation)

First Things First....

Well I'm glad that Dtro finally blessed me with the opportunity to contribute to the fine piece of internet wisdom that is Red Stripe and Chronic. With that said; let me clear a couple of things up. First off, it is true that baseball is my third favorite sport and Football is number 1. However i am also an avid basketball Fan. Which brings me to the first topic Ill speak on.
The Los Angeles Lakers are of course my favorite team because the nuggets have gargled balls since i was a a young tike. (I liked them before kobe and Shaq so fuck off) But recently I have noticed LA fans acting like ohhhh maybe knicks fans or New York fans in general. They actually booed Kwame Brown. Granted he has gotten as fat as the Michelin Man during his injury and missed two dunks and a wide open lay up (in 5 min) but the man was hand chosen by his Airness. I say he gets a pass. If people keep booing the mofo the lakers will sink further and further and really open the door for Boston to win the NBA Finals. Think about it, do you really want Boston to win the World Series, Superbowl, and NBA Finals? And if you have ever met a person with a Boston accent who talks shit you immediately want to remind them that the English language includes the letter "R" and for them to do a nose dive off the green monster. I say people stop booing Kwame and start trying to assassinate Kevin Garnett.

Some extra motivation, as if they need any

You'd think the Giants were the ones that went 18-0. I can't count the number of analysts who have been "going out on a limb" and doing something "completely unexpected" by picking the Giants to win. It's even on the goddamn cover of Sports Illustrated, which is example enough. The only solace there is (thanks to the useless bye week) is that hopefully next week's cover will feature Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Junior Seau and Rodney Harrison sharing a bathroom stall ala McGwire and Canseco, Belichick in a bear suit, and an array of goats.

His name is Professor Snuggles and he's the BEST!

Tony Eason, he isn't.

700 Mg of Oxycontin, 37 sleeping pills, and a jigger of whiskey...

...does not cure pneumonia.

If only someone had told Heath Ledger.

Guess the ugly girl from Dawson's Creek broke his heart.

RIP Heath.

NFL Playoffs

Happy 2008 loyal reader! Ok, so your favorite football team has been eliminated from playoff contention and you are wondering who to root for in the final 4 (other than the team you gambled on). Well dtro is back and is willing to help you figure out how to make a decision by breaking down the combatants MLB playoff style. Admittedly I should have done this a couple weeks ago, but then I would have had to talk about the Buccaneers and their diminutive QB (that's QueerBoy) and nobody wants that. I come to you as an impartial Jets fan, with no (i.e. many) preconceived notions about the teams competing:

NFC


Team: The Giants are a team built on defense, highlighted by their aggressive pass rush, which is led by Johnny Gap-Tooth and Dirty Osi (for more on him look at Boyce's inaugural post). They give most of their carries to a failed linebacker in Brandon Jacobs, and apparently Eli Manning doesn't suck anymore. Him being a Manning is a strike against them, but Eli is kinda likable in a doofy and pathetic way (sorta like the special olympics). Jeremy Shockey has a broken leg, which immediately reduces how much one should hate this team.
Fans: Some of my best friends are Giants fans, so I'm probably biased. Suffice it to say that they are passionate people, but can't tailgate nearly as hard as Jets fans. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Sorry about that.
History: Lost that Super Bowl to the Ravens a few years back (turns out there's a reason why white dudes aren't defensive backs...(cough) Sehorn (cough)). They won a couple Super Bowls under Bill Parcells in the late 80s/early 90s (Wide Right!). I can't go back any farther than that, but Phil Simms was the QB of those teams and when I listen to him talk for an extended period of time I begin to hear a loud buzzing noise and have violent seizures.


Team: The Packers are a young team with a strong defense (Atari Bigby is fucking sick), an emerging rushing game (Ryan Grant is from Notre Dame so he can just suck a dick), and a QB who makes Jesus look like fucking Hitler. Of course, everyone knows about reigning SI sportsman of the year and grizzled patriot/leader/messiah Brett Favre. Well fuck him and his fake retirement press conferences (I also have a theory about 38 yr. old QBs having career years and steroids, but we all know that only baseball players take steroids).
Fans: Packers fans are passionate and loyal, and include my roommate Peanut. They brave harsh weather conditions to watch their beloved Pack. They are part owners of their own team, which is cool. They also have a cult-like devotion to Favre and mass suicides are expected upon the announcement of his official retirement. Not cool.
History: They won the first 2 Super Bowls, but that's only because Joe Namath wasn't involved yet. Joe Namath would have thrown for 8 touchdowns against the Packers and then impregnated Bart Starr's wife, but I digress. Favre also won that Super Bowl against the Pats (before they had fans) and then lost the next year to Terrel Davis and the Broncos. Also Favre has the all-time record for Gunslings (and some other ones too, I guess).

AFC

Team: The Chargers, like the G-men, are a surprise entrant in this year's conference championship round. Best known among their stars is LaDainian Tomlinson, whom the media has decided is the best running back of all time (b/c his O-line has nothing to do with it) and is therefore deserving to steal the nickname "LT" from a truly great/psychopathic player. They are quarterbacked by Philip Rivers (ya better ask someboddddaaaaayyy!!), and their defense is led by roidface Merriman (still got lit up by Jones-Drew, bitch).
Fans: Who knows? I'm sure they have supporters, but I don't really believe in the fandom of Californians.
History: Mostly not good. They made it to one Super Bowl and got owned by Stevey "Brigham" Young. Of note to myself is the fact that K Nate Kaeding missed field goal after field goal in losing to the Jets in a wildcard game during the golden age of Herm Edwards. That's really all I got.

Team: Bill Belichick is the fucking anti-Christ, and no one can convince me otherwise. The Patriots are all a bunch of cheaters and rapists. Rodney Harrison did steroids, which everyone seems to forget (maybe he and Merriman can have a who-has-the-smallest-testicles contest at halftime). Tom Brady is a Michigan man, so I'm a little torn on him...actually, fuck that. Fuck Tom Brady right in his queer little chin-cleft. Wes Welker is a stupid fucking hick, with an extra 23rd chromosome (according to LCT). Randy Moss is the only guy I sorta like on this team due to his admitted potheadedness and he's widely loathed by most people.
Fans: (must control rage) Many people know about my disdain for Bostonians and supporters of teams from that area. I'm pretty sure 99% of Pats fans have Welker jerseys to just 1% owning Moss jerseys--take that how you will. I also genuinely believe that most Pats fans were unaware of/indifferent to the existence of this franchise pre-2001. Not to mention that fact that Bill Simmons currently has a column up on ESPN.com trying to decide who's better: the 86 Celtics or 07 Patriots....I do not have the stomach to click on this column and will not link it, but its mere existence ensures that if I ever were to run into the "Sports Guy," I would gladly take a machete to his genitals.
History: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady invented this team during the Tuck Rule game against the Raiders in January of 2002 and have had unparalleled success over the duration of the franchise' short history of 7 years. Drew Bledsoe never happened.

The true axis of evil

Conclusion: As a human being with any sense of decency I have to pull for the Giants and Chargers. I kinda want to see the Giants win the whole thing, so that Eli and Peyton will have the same number of rings, but that would mean Shockey gets a ring too. Hmmmm....I tentatively throw my support behind the Chargers (blech). Really, anyone but the Patriots.

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

OSI SHITS ON HOOKER TITS

McNabb thought a sack and forced fumble was
the worst thing Osi Umenyiora was capable of doing to him

As a Giants fan, I still have a team to follow. As a regular follower of black celebrity gossip via mediatakeout.com I have become privy to the following information regarding our star defender (which has since been taken down, by haters) :

"We hooked up and he had an unusual request. He wanted to pee on me. I thought it was weird but I did so because he said he it would really turn him on and he would see me again if I did. After I did so in his bathroom he handled his business and asked me how I liked it. I said, "I don't know how I feel about it. It was kind of crazy." - Whore

But it gets much better!

"The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing. He began flying me to Florida and Atlanta last summer paying my bills, giving me money for my kids as long as I let him well, "shit" on me." -Whore

Since his shit directly benefitted children, I see it as no less than a humanitarian act on par with anything George Clooney has ever done.




Shut the fuck up, Clooney............you fuckin' BITCH.