NFL Playoffs

Happy 2008 loyal reader! Ok, so your favorite football team has been eliminated from playoff contention and you are wondering who to root for in the final 4 (other than the team you gambled on). Well dtro is back and is willing to help you figure out how to make a decision by breaking down the combatants MLB playoff style. Admittedly I should have done this a couple weeks ago, but then I would have had to talk about the Buccaneers and their diminutive QB (that's QueerBoy) and nobody wants that. I come to you as an impartial Jets fan, with no (i.e. many) preconceived notions about the teams competing:

NFC


Team: The Giants are a team built on defense, highlighted by their aggressive pass rush, which is led by Johnny Gap-Tooth and Dirty Osi (for more on him look at Boyce's inaugural post). They give most of their carries to a failed linebacker in Brandon Jacobs, and apparently Eli Manning doesn't suck anymore. Him being a Manning is a strike against them, but Eli is kinda likable in a doofy and pathetic way (sorta like the special olympics). Jeremy Shockey has a broken leg, which immediately reduces how much one should hate this team.
Fans: Some of my best friends are Giants fans, so I'm probably biased. Suffice it to say that they are passionate people, but can't tailgate nearly as hard as Jets fans. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Sorry about that.
History: Lost that Super Bowl to the Ravens a few years back (turns out there's a reason why white dudes aren't defensive backs...(cough) Sehorn (cough)). They won a couple Super Bowls under Bill Parcells in the late 80s/early 90s (Wide Right!). I can't go back any farther than that, but Phil Simms was the QB of those teams and when I listen to him talk for an extended period of time I begin to hear a loud buzzing noise and have violent seizures.


Team: The Packers are a young team with a strong defense (Atari Bigby is fucking sick), an emerging rushing game (Ryan Grant is from Notre Dame so he can just suck a dick), and a QB who makes Jesus look like fucking Hitler. Of course, everyone knows about reigning SI sportsman of the year and grizzled patriot/leader/messiah Brett Favre. Well fuck him and his fake retirement press conferences (I also have a theory about 38 yr. old QBs having career years and steroids, but we all know that only baseball players take steroids).
Fans: Packers fans are passionate and loyal, and include my roommate Peanut. They brave harsh weather conditions to watch their beloved Pack. They are part owners of their own team, which is cool. They also have a cult-like devotion to Favre and mass suicides are expected upon the announcement of his official retirement. Not cool.
History: They won the first 2 Super Bowls, but that's only because Joe Namath wasn't involved yet. Joe Namath would have thrown for 8 touchdowns against the Packers and then impregnated Bart Starr's wife, but I digress. Favre also won that Super Bowl against the Pats (before they had fans) and then lost the next year to Terrel Davis and the Broncos. Also Favre has the all-time record for Gunslings (and some other ones too, I guess).

AFC

Team: The Chargers, like the G-men, are a surprise entrant in this year's conference championship round. Best known among their stars is LaDainian Tomlinson, whom the media has decided is the best running back of all time (b/c his O-line has nothing to do with it) and is therefore deserving to steal the nickname "LT" from a truly great/psychopathic player. They are quarterbacked by Philip Rivers (ya better ask someboddddaaaaayyy!!), and their defense is led by roidface Merriman (still got lit up by Jones-Drew, bitch).
Fans: Who knows? I'm sure they have supporters, but I don't really believe in the fandom of Californians.
History: Mostly not good. They made it to one Super Bowl and got owned by Stevey "Brigham" Young. Of note to myself is the fact that K Nate Kaeding missed field goal after field goal in losing to the Jets in a wildcard game during the golden age of Herm Edwards. That's really all I got.

Team: Bill Belichick is the fucking anti-Christ, and no one can convince me otherwise. The Patriots are all a bunch of cheaters and rapists. Rodney Harrison did steroids, which everyone seems to forget (maybe he and Merriman can have a who-has-the-smallest-testicles contest at halftime). Tom Brady is a Michigan man, so I'm a little torn on him...actually, fuck that. Fuck Tom Brady right in his queer little chin-cleft. Wes Welker is a stupid fucking hick, with an extra 23rd chromosome (according to LCT). Randy Moss is the only guy I sorta like on this team due to his admitted potheadedness and he's widely loathed by most people.
Fans: (must control rage) Many people know about my disdain for Bostonians and supporters of teams from that area. I'm pretty sure 99% of Pats fans have Welker jerseys to just 1% owning Moss jerseys--take that how you will. I also genuinely believe that most Pats fans were unaware of/indifferent to the existence of this franchise pre-2001. Not to mention that fact that Bill Simmons currently has a column up on ESPN.com trying to decide who's better: the 86 Celtics or 07 Patriots....I do not have the stomach to click on this column and will not link it, but its mere existence ensures that if I ever were to run into the "Sports Guy," I would gladly take a machete to his genitals.
History: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady invented this team during the Tuck Rule game against the Raiders in January of 2002 and have had unparalleled success over the duration of the franchise' short history of 7 years. Drew Bledsoe never happened.

The true axis of evil

Conclusion: As a human being with any sense of decency I have to pull for the Giants and Chargers. I kinda want to see the Giants win the whole thing, so that Eli and Peyton will have the same number of rings, but that would mean Shockey gets a ring too. Hmmmm....I tentatively throw my support behind the Chargers (blech). Really, anyone but the Patriots.

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!