Song Lyrics Explained: Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch"

Couldn't think of any ideas for a post, so I decided to break down a song Peanut was listening to. Today, I will be explaining "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry, for those of you who have always found its meaning elusive.



(VERSE 1)
ALL RIGHT!!!
All motherfuckin right!!!
Break me down
Break me down
You got a lovely face
I find your facial features attractive
We're going to your place
We are going to your place of residence
Now you got to freak me out
At this moment you are obliged to either perform perverse sexual acts upon me or disfigure me in some manner so that I may become a freak
Scream so loud
You are screaming loudly
Getting fuckin laid
We are having sexual intercourse! Woohoo!
You want me to stay
You want me to stay with you for an indeterminate length of time
But I got to make my way
I'm leaving though, because I fear commitment: it does not fit my rocker persona

( CHORUS)
Hey! You're a crazy bitch
Hey! You have serious psychological problems and I thought I'd let you know, bitch
But you fuck so good I'm on top of it
I am willing to look past your possible schizophrenia, because you are adept at sexual intercourse; speaking of which I would prefer to be on top
When I dream I'm doing you all night
Your sexual proclivity is such that it has seeped into my dormant subliminal brain activity
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You have left scratches all down my back, most likely due to your insane and violent nature, but as a masochist these have only served to increase my sexual apetite



(VERSE 2)
Take it off
Remove your clothing
The paper is your game
You sleep with musicians for monetary gain, bitch
Jump in bed with fame
Get in bed with me...I think I am famous...I am not
Another one night paid in full
I paid for a bunch of shit for you, so you're welcome
You're so fine
You are attractive, and may or may not have delicate bones
It won't be a loss
Because you are good-looking I do not consider all that shit I bought you to be a loss
Cashing in the rocks
Slangin' crack
Just to get you face to face
So I can get some more money to buy you shit, so that you will have intercourse with me again

(CHORUS 2X)

(BRIDGE)
Get the video
Grab that VHS of "The Neverending Story" I just got from Blockbuster
Fuck you so good
This round of lovemaking is going to be super awesome
Crazy Bitch (repeated several times)
Just thought I'd reiterate that I think you are cuckoo nuts, bitch

(CHORUS 2X)



(VERSE 3)
Baby girl, you want it all
Young lady, you want everything, which is pretty unreasonable
To be a star
In order to become famous or a massive luminous ball of plasma
You'll have to go down
You are going to have to perform fellatio
Take it off
Remove your clothing
No need to talk
Don't talk, since everything that comes out of your mouth is fucked-up crazy bullshit anyway
You're crazy
Really, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are clinically insane before you will decide to seek professional help
But I like the way you fuck me
But whatever. You are really good at SEX!!! Woohoo!!!

(CHORUS)

Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit motherfucking PIG

What just happened: I got my ID taken away by a cop. This d-bag bouncer at a bar took Sam's ID from me and wouldn't give it back. I informed him that he was a fucking cocksmoke because of this. Instead of brushing off my insult, he decided to turn me in to the cop car parked down the block.

Cop: How old are you?
DTRO: 20
PIG: So whose ID is this?
DTRO: My cousin's
PIG: Where you from?
DTRO: Brooklyn
PIG: I don't know what you do in Brooklyn, but we don't stand for this shit here (even though I've gotten into every bar in this shithole fucking city I've ever tried besides the Tombs).
DTRO: Sorry officer.
PIG: Especially after 9/11. You should know better.
DTRO: What (the fucking fuck) does this have to do with 9/11?
PIG: Terrorists! Fake IDs! (incomprehensible rant about terrorists and fake IDs)

I don't even have the energy to try and remember the rest of the conversation. Needless to say, this cop was a southern-sounding hick piece of shit, who had no idea what the fuck even happened on 9/11. I am ridiculously angry right now, because I'm going home for Butter's play/b-day tomorrow and now I can't go to a fucking bar for a month and a half. I hope that cop gets syphilis. I hope that bouncer gets AIDS and dies a slow painful death. I would prefer that he get AIDS from a gay rape incident of some sort.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

I want some massholes to die tonight.

3 1/2 Weeks Later

Ok, it's been 24 days since the Mets completed their historically horrific collapse, allowing a bunch of scumbag baby-eaters to win the division and Pankey to win our bet (still scrounging up money for the beer and weed...I was gonna add advertisements to the site, but I think you need more than 5 readers to make any money). As my first post ever indicates I, like all Mets fans, was extremely upset...definitely more angry than sad...and needed to vent. I have since calmed down significantly, but still can't bring myself to watch too much of the playoffs (and now I have to root for a bunch of crazy ass born again Christians and little Kazuo just so those fuckheads up in Boston don't have anything to brag about). Anyway, I have decided to gather up my thoughts on the Mets and what needs to be done next year now that I am calm and clearheaded:

Who needs to go?

Tom Glavine can't get out of town fast enough as far as I'm concerned. This is not just anger over his last start (actually he sucked dick in his final 3 starts) talking. This is also righteous indignation over the fact that he told a reporter he was not "devastated" over the last game and not making the playoffs, but merely "disappointed." Glav seems to think devastated is too strong a word for a baseball game. Gee, thanks for the semantics lesson shitdick, but guess what? There were several hundred thousand devastated people in the NY metro area, so how about you just pretend for a couple days like going to the playoffs is actually more important to you than playing golf with John Smoltz and Steve Avery. Glavine did that whole bullshit run-around with the Mets after last season, flirting with the Braves "because of his family," then deciding that $$$$ is actually important to him. Just let him go; we can find someone to throw up a 4.45 ERA and 1.41 WHIP who is under 40 and might actually give a shit. I sincerely hope he returns to the Braves, so we can watch Blastings smacking ropes off him all season long.

Paul Lo Duca also should be sent to the glue factory at this point. He's old. He can't get on base, can't hit for power, can't throw people out, etc. Ramon Castro is the superior player, but if Dukey's on the team you just know Willie's putting him in there every day. I like Lo Duca's passion, especially when he went nuts after getting thrown out of that game against the A's and threw all his shit on the field and got crazy eyes. Paulie's just not good enough at baseball to keep him around at this point.

Shawn Green also needs to be shown the door. It was nice having you around Shawn; every team needs a Jew, and it was really funny when you're hat would always fly off when you were "running" after flyballs. Unfortunately, you are not that good anymore and are blocking this generation's Willie Mays, i.e. Lastings motherfucking Milledge.

Mota and Schoenweiss also need to go; preferably they can go to the east river and jump in while wearing boots filled with cement.

So who's on the 08 team?

Well, there's obviously some guys locked in for sure. My preferred lineup would be something like this:

C: Castro, player x (Kelly Shoppach, I'm looking at you)
1B: Delgado (who will suck yet again, because he broke his hand on the last day)
2B: Gotay
SS: Jose Jose Jose Jose, Joseee, Joseeeeeeeeeeee
3B: David Allen Wright
LF: Moises (for about 100 games hopefully)
CF: Beltran
RF: L Millz

Let's break this down. I want Castro back, because he can hit and is decent defensively. But he can't play full time, because his back would explode. The Mets should look to get him a platoon partner who's a little younger (great job not protecting Jesus Flores in last year's rule V, Omar!) and I don't know who exactly that is. Shoppach is only 27, can hit a bit, and is blocked by Victor Martinez, so I'd put in an offer for him. Ideally, we should get a guy who can hit a bit from the left side (damn I wish we had Saltalamacchia, for so many reasons) but I don't really know who that is. I would like to see Gotay get a lot of playing time, with a guy like Easley on the bench to pinch hit and fill in occasionally. Moises hit like a fucking machine last year when he wasn't hurt, so exercise his option, and have Endy, Marlon Anderson, and maybe Carlos Gomez give him a rest every so often/play for those two months when Moises' arthritis starts acting up.


Lastings Milledge is your everyday right fielder. He wears Hank Aaron's #44 for a reason. Can we please just give Lastings 500 ABs and see what he can do? (Side note: Lastings is CEO of Soulja-boi Records, and is pictured above with rapper Manny D. Lastings' rap name is L Millz. Soulja-boi, Inc. is in no way affiliated with that Soulja Boy Tellem/Crank Dat song. Lastings has been supermanning hoes since the age of 11.)

Rotation?

Pedro, Maine, Perez are all definites. I'd like to see Pelfrey get a shot coming out of spring training. The Mets should throw some money at a guy like Carlos Silva, who can take Glavine's innings. El Duque to the pen! He can be our 6th starter and long guy, and I think that's for the best so as not to overtax his 56 year old body.

Bullpen, Bench?

Bullpen: well, we know for sure you got Wagner, Heilman, and Feliciano. I have El Duque. I'd like to see more of Joe Smith, who has a year and some innings under his belt now. Jorge Sosa looked alright in the pen last year, and he's another guy who can start if needs be. Hopefully, Dirty Duaner Sanchez is back and pitching like he was 2 years ago. That would be awesome. Really, bullpens are random and can be constructed on the cheap with a little ingenuity, which Omar Minaya may or may not possess.




Bench: Backup catcher X, Marlon Anderson, Endy Chavez, Damion Easley (if healthy), Josh Phelps. What?!! Josh Phelps?! He's sort of young, can hit for a little power, and you can make him the righty in a righty-lefty platoon with Delgado. Who do we trade for him? I have no fucking clue; what am I, a psychic?

What will the Mets do?

Omar's not returning my calls, so your guess is as good as mine (if not better). I think if no great trades appear and after Posada is done using the Mets as leverage against the Yank$ and returns to the Bronx, Lo Duca is coming back on a one-year deal. Eh, it is what it is. Castillo is also probably coming back, because he's one of those guys that just gets way too much credit (especially from Omar and Willie) and Gotay is on the bench. I guess you could do worse than Castillo in your 2-hole...at least he gets on base. Pitching-wise, I really have no idea what the Mets will do, but that's really the important thing. The hitting was alright last year, so Omar really needs to not have a repeat of last year's off-season, when he traded Bannister and Heath Bell away for a case of fresh tortillas. Will Mariano be a Met? Never gonna happen.


Your thoughts on Willie Randolph?

He seems like a nice gentleman with impeccably manicured moustachios. He is from Brooklyn, so that's nice. I held him a little too responsible for the Mets collapse, seeing as he is only a manager and they really don't have that much impact on the standings. That said, I still personally believe him to be generally unintelligent when it comes to the use of his bullpen, overly loyal to washed-up veterans and thereby detrimental to the development of younger players, and tainted with the stench of Yankeedom. I am willing to look past these things and give him another year. That's right I am giving him another year...because the decision is mine and mine alone.

Top Stories from Around the World

Well top ridiculous animal-related stories from around the world anyway.

India: Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage. Dude, elephants are fucking party animals; they were just pounding some rice beer and decided to rip apart utility poles and got electrocuted. This is cool but even cooler is what pops up on a google image search for drunk elephants.
China: Panda bites chunks out of a 15 year old boy's legs. So some douchey ass Chinese kid jumped into the panda exercise area (like those fat fucks ever work out) and got his shit ran by a panda. The best part about this story was that Gu Gu (the panda) had once been bitten by a drunken tourist (presumably a drunken elephant tourist).


Truckee,CA: Rescuers rescue suicidal bear. So this bear "fell" off a bridge and was rescued with a huge ass net. Dave Baker of the Truckee Bear League said: "I've been on a lot of bear rescues and this is the most intense bear call that I've been on." He later added, "I just LOVE bears. Love, love, love 'em. Physically. I think about them ALL the time. I'm thinking about them right now. Sometimes I dress up in a bear outfit and pleasure myself in front of a mirror." The bear would later achieve his suicidal aim by OD'ing on Xanax.



San Francisco, CA: Two guys shoot an ostrich named Gaylord. Apparently, Gaylord the ostrich had kicked the shit out of these two guys and caused their girlfriends to laugh at them. What would you do in a situation like that? I think almost anyone would grab a shotgun and pump seven rounds into that fruity ass bird. The guys were sentenced to only like 5 months in jail, but once LGBTQ gets their hands on this interspecies homophobic hate crime, I'm sure we'll see protests on campus calling for harsher punishment.


Amsterdam: Orangutan only wants to bang hot Dutch ladies. Sibu the orangutan is refusing to mate with female orangutans and seems to only like blonde women with tattoos. This is baffling his handlers, who don't seem to realize he's not fucking blind. Who would want to fuck a lady orangutan?

Deep thoughts?

Here are a list of some "haunting questions" from a chain email that peanut's dad sent to him. I will attempt to answer them:

Can you cry underwater?
Why don't you ask the thousands of dolphins being massacred by tuna companies.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
They have to have an imdb page.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Everyone wears togas in heaven.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What the fuck kind of question is that? You really want circular pizza boxes? I shouldn't even dignify this with a response, but it's so there's room to slide your hand in next to the pizza to detach the slices from each other and thereby eat the fucking pizza.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Syphilis

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
I guess NASA had their priorities backwards.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
People are stupid

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
I've never appeared in either medium, so I don't really know what this question is trying to imply. Just switch the words around for a second: I'm on a movie, or I'm in TV. Makes you sound like a foreigner

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
See answer to baby-sleeping question

Why do doctors leave the room for you to change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
They actually have eye holes in the paintings in all their rooms and watch you change anyway. Doctors are very voyeuristic

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Dunno. I personally use the term tittie-holders, so for me they're both plural.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Toaster manufacturers are miserable bastards.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Just to rub the utter meaninglessness of his life in his stupid monkey face.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A hearse cannot drive, and requires a motorist to operate it, so no. But if a hearse had gained some sort of artificial intelligence that allowed it to drive on its own, I say we let it drive wherever the fuck it wants.

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
He can, but he wants to remain stranded on the island with Ginger and Mary Ann to act out all his deviant sexual fantasies.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Actually they are cartoon characters and subject to the whims of their animators.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Babies, sweet delicious babies

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
This is dubious logic at best, but the answer is yes.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Way to go, champ! Ya figured it out!

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
To determine whether they had the same tune, asshole. And I resent the implication that you know what I am doing. I actually didn't sing them, I fucking HUMMED them, ok.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you mean to say ass? That would have almost made this question understandable. An asteroid and a hemorrhoid are two totally unrelated concepts. Why do they call it a steroid when it's not on the stairs? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!1!!!!11! Is this the sort of shit you find funny random question emailer guy? I hate you.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
Yea, I noticed. Why are you blowing in a dog's face anyway? This is like me asking, did you ever notice that when you try to cover your children's faces with a rag soaked in chloroform they get mad at you, but when you read them a bed time story they fall asleep?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?
I didn't thank God. But if the man who wrote these questions ever tries to contact me again I will make it my mission to see that he is castrated.

LCT Fights: a Black Creature of the Night

VS

Hello, loyal readers. Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I have been pretending to do a lot of work for the past week or so. Anyway as promised here is our first installment of animal fights, but with a twist. We are instead going to do LCT fights today, where we match up everyone's favorite little Toledoan against some sort of armed animal (thanks to Muggs for her suggestion). Today LCT battles against a galago or bush baby, but Muggs refers to them as "black creatures of the night" and swears that this is their actual name so we'll use that. Let's break down the competitors (betting lines are NHL-style):










Black Creature of the Night (+180)

Height: 7-8” (not including tail)

Weight: 5-10 oz.

Lifespan: 14 years

Habitat: Woodlands and bushlands

Diet: insects, small animals, fruit, tree gums (?)

Gestation: 4 months

Predators: Eagles, owls, genets (?), large snakes

Special Skills: agile leaping ability; incredible night vision; powerful hindquarters; acute hearing; great balance (due to tail)

Weapon: Screwdriver

LCT (-140)

Height: 5’8”

Weight: 155-185 lbs.

Lifespan: TBD

Habitat: Olympic sized pools; provost office; his apt.

Diet: hotdogs, quesadillas, natty light

Gestation: N/A

Predators: provost, KK Hollidae, grizzly bears

Special Skills: plays various air instruments; strong swimmer; knows some French; kind of looks like black creature of the night

Weapon: water polo ball

The Fight: LCT has home field advantage for his first match as this one is taking place in ICC. LCT is favored due to extreme size advantages, and, presumably, a higher level of intelligence. LCT is pretty dangerous with a polo ball, but my gut says put your money on the black creature of the night. Those little bastards are nimble, and I think LCT's opponent (whom I have nicknamed Edgardo) will be able to outmaneuver LCT by swinging from the light fixtures. My guess is that Edgardo, being faster than fuck, can avoid any damage from the polo ball and swoop down on LCT stabbing him in the neck with the screwdriver.

Conclusion: Edgardo wins in a tight one and returns to Africa a hero. LCT suffers slight nerve damage (Edgardo can only hold a tiny little screwdriver) and a bruised ego. KK Hollidae makes fun of LCT for several months and continually slaps him in the neck wound.

Offensive Mascots

Coming on the heels of a protest held outside Lambeau Field this past Sunday over the Redskins' continued use of an outdated and offensive term as a team name, I decided to break down some other offensive mascots out there. (Apparently, Peanut thinks poverty, alcoholism and drug abuse, and gang and domestic violence are more pressing concerns for Native Americans...psshaw we're talking real issues here Peanut! Fucking mascots are keeping people down man!)


What is this shit? As a semi-Irish-American I am totally offended by this. It portrays all Irish people as leprechauns, and I can tell you without a doubt that leprechauns make up less than 15% of the Irish community. And why the fuck does he have his dukes up? Oh, i guess Notre Dame wants us to believe that all Irish people are violent, when in fact we are only violent when we're drunk, which is barely half the time. Not even an allusion to alcoholism? Jimmy McSpudeater, or whatever the mascot is called, could at least be holding a half-broken Jameson bottle trying to stab someone. Come on ND get your facts straight. (and the school is Notre Dame, shouldn't they be like the Little French Pussy-ass Bitches, or something more in common with the name of the school)


Is that a queer African-American guy, with some sort of skin disorder on his face? Clearly, the answer is yes. That's just despicable.


Great job Oregon St. Women have come a long way in this country, battling for suffrage rights, reproductive rights, and to eliminate the proverbial glass ceiling. And in one fell swoop Oregon St. undoes all that by portraying female genitalia as a crosseyed furry woodchomper. Misogyny has no place in the world of sports. It's called Title IX dickheads.

C'mon Steelers. America's steelworkers are hardworking honest folk, and you gotta make them out to be gay tank-top wearing types. This is offensive to steel workers and gay people alike, but you know what steel workers, you keep reaching for that rainbow!


You couldn't have just been the Deacons, Wake Forest, could you? No, you had to go and be the Demon Deacons, and make Christian clergy out to be evil. You might as well have kicked Jesus in the gonads. Why didn't you just call the team the Christ Punchers or the Virgin Mary Defilers.

This is "Eutectic" the mascot of the St. Louis College of Pharmacy. I just find it morally questionable to glorify Meth addiction so blatantly.


Are all Alabama residents obese? Yes. But that doesn't mean the Crimson Tide has to make them out to be elephants. And what does Crimson Tide mean? Is it that the movements of all those gelatinous bodies in the stadium remind one of the rolling of ocean waves. I assume so. And besides elephants are very intelligent creatures, with notoriously good memories, and live on average about 70 years (none of which characteristics can be applied to Alabamians). So really, this is just offensive to the elephants.

Fireside Chat: Isiah Thomas

In the wake of the news that the Knicks just can't live in a world where they're not paying Allan Houston exorbitant amounts of money and have decided to re-sign him, I was able to get an exclusive interview (fake) with Isiah Thomas:

Dtro: Isiah, great to have you here at red stripe and chronic!
Isiah: Thanks, man, great to be here. I love interacting with the fans.
Dtro: Oh, I'm not a fan. I'm really more of a bemused onlooker, like one of those people standing at the police barriers trying to get a glimpse of a horrible car accident.
Isiah: Oh
Dtro: Actually, I'm just kind of waiting for the Brooklyn Ballas to start playing before I care about basketball again. Anyway, enough about me...so what's up with this Allan Houston deal?
Isiah: I thought the team needed a veteran presence, and Allan fits the bill. He's lookin good in the workouts man, ya know what I'm sayin?
Dtro: Do you think it's wise to sign a 36 year old shooting guard who's been out of the league for two years?
Isiah: Ya know, I don't really look at that, man. I think Allan can contribute and he's been working real hard while he's been away from basketball.
Dtro: He has ARTHRITIS in his knee. Isn't this kind of a bad thing in a sport where running and jumping are important?
Isiah: (silence...looks at wrist... realizes he's not wearing a watch...continues to stare at wrist)
Dtro: Alright, I know it's a touchy subject, but I gotta ask you about this Anucha Browne Sanders thing.

Dtro: Why do you think it's cool for a black dude to call a black woman a bitch, but it's wrong for a white dude? Do you just hate all white people...besides David Lee?
Isiah: No comment
Dtro: You ever give that bitch a titty twister?
Isiah: No comment (nodding and smiling)
Dtro: In light of the fact that the Knicks suck despite a ridiculous payroll and you lost a sexual harassment lawsuit, how do you still have a job?
Isiah: I have some polaroids of Jimmy Dolan banging Liza Minelli...er...um...I mean, no comment.
Dtro: You ever superman a ho?
Isiah: Only my wife, Lynn.
Dtro: Alright, Isiah let's get to the fun stuff. Favorite song?
Isiah: Bitches Ain't Shit
Dtro: Favorite book?
Isiah: Where the Wild Things Are
Dtro: Favorite food?
Isiah: POPCORN!!!
Dtro: Alright, Isiah. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, and good luck with the upcoming season, I guess.
Isiah: No problem, man. Thanks for having me. And remember: there's still time to join the popcorn revolution!

Who likes to rock the party?!! oh, it's MPD

Attention people trying to throw/attend house parties around Georgetown: be on the look out for the above people. Washington, DC's Metropolitan Police Department has announced that they will be stepping up the police presence in Georgetown by introducing a party patrol. Not to be confused with the Mets' Pepsi party patrol, who dress in Mets gear and come armed with t-shirt cannons, the MPD party patrol will raid townhouses dressed as Sammy Hagar and Robin Quivers look-alikes, and sometimes as mongoloids in white disco suits (and the captain of the patrol, with a patch on his chest, kinda looks like Kevin Costner) and come armed with tear gas and tasers.

Seriously, though, what the fuck is this shit? According to MPD Second District commander Andrew Solberg they will be targeting noise violations and out-of-control parties and looking to deter crime: “I think when people see a lot of cops in their community, criminals are deterred," says Solberg. Oh that's really great, let's fuckin deter criminals in the one safe neighborhood in a fuckin city of slums. According to MPD's own stats on the Second District (of which Georgetown is a part) and the city as a whole, 92% of sexual assaults have taken place somewhere besides this district; 91.9% of robberies happened elsewhere; 94.7% of assaults with a deadly weapon, 94% of car thefts, and 100% of DC's 144 murders this year have taken place in other areas beside that immediately surrounding the Georgetown campus. However, these statistics fail to reflect the fact that Hoyas account for nearly 72% of DC's public urination, 79% of its beer-induced vomiting, and 99% of its horrible group renditions of Don't Stop Believin'.

Way to go MPD. Let's ignore the fact that almost the entirety of this city is a shithole and focus our energies on protecting the rich old white people from the rich little white kids.

Of all the dramatic things I've evah seen...

Suzy Waldman clearly needs to have her heart cut out with a spoon ("it's dull you twit...it'll hurt more"). I know it's a little late on the ball to talk about the "bug game" between the yank$ and indians from friday, but I'm pretty uninspired today so we'll do this anyway. According to LCT, who was listening to the game on the radio coming back from a water polo tournament and got to hear the stellar duo of Sterling and Waldman, these fuckfaces were blaming Joba's shitting of the bed entirely on the bugs. They were saying that Joba would never give up runs or pitch badly (which seems plausible as he is the lovechild of Chief Joseph and the Virgin Mary) and that it was entirely the fault of the bugs, which was "disgraceful." A number of yankee fans seem to have adopted this attitude, despite the fact that Carmona totally raped the yankees lineup the next inning while pitching with the same amount of bugs around him (not to mention that a swarm of midges on the field would seem to give the pitcher a distinct advantage over the hitter).




But really, who the fuck cares about the bugs. This post is just an excuse to link to Suzy Waldman's call of Roidy McRocket's return to pinstripes back in May. She is either straight orgasming on air or seems to think Clemens' return to the Yankees is the equivalent of the fall of the Berlin wall, MLK's I have a dream speech, and the liberation of Auschwitz by the Allies all rolled into one. At least Clemens appears to share his HGH with the Mrs., which I guess is commendable. Seriously, that chick looks like Charles Atlas. I wish CBS radio would just have Suzy follow the Rocket around for a day, giving a play-by-play of his life. Here's how it might go (annoying Boston accent included):

5:37 A.M. And now, I think, yes...oh my, yes! The Rawcket is stahting a REM cycle...his eyelids ah fluttering and...wait, now, Jesus! he's rolled ovah onto his right side...that's his pitching ahm! Let's hope he doesn't hurt himself heeah...he's sleeping through the pain! Jesus I just peed my pants...

8:01 A.M. The Rawcket's opening his eyes and....yes! he's awake. My Gawd! He's going to the bathroom...and yes he's got mohning wood...I just can't even believe this...it's biggah than I evah dreamed, like he's got Derek's foreahm shoved down his pants! I'm so wet! John... (Sterling: The Rocket's got a pocket rocket...clickity clocket..where are my pills?)

8:37 A.M. Rojjah's pouring some cereal and it's...oh my word it's Froot Loops. The milk is...it's SKIM! Oh my gawd it's skim milk. The rawcket with skim milk...and now we know how he stays in playing shape, John (fruit loops, hula-hoops...hahahahahahahahaha)

10:40 A.M. And Jorge has just shown up...him and Rawcket are going into the bathroom and there go Rojjah's pants. Posada with the needle and he's injecting...what is that?...it's ...it's....yes decadurabolin...into Rojjah's glorious buttocks, John (Jorgie juiced one!)

12:11 P.M. And now the Rawcket is doing his wife from behind...and that's about the cleanest asshole I've seen since Phil Hughes let me attend his monthly enema. Oh sweet sassy molassey here comes Andy and....yes, they're double teaming her...Rawcket is stepping back and just watching now and Pettitte is...just...about...done...and yes all ovah Mrs. Clemens' breasts...I tell ya...can Pettitte come through in big situations or what?

3:30 P.M. Rojjah is in the clubhouse and....oh my Alex has let off the biggest faht I've evah heard. Rojjah is just covering his nose and laughing...you can just tell the difference in this clubhouse when Rawcket is heeah...everybody is loose and just rippin fahts like there's no tomorrow. Am I right john (an A-bomb for A-rod).

7:35 P.M. The yankees win a big one tonight ovah the Devil Rays 18-2. Even though he didn't pitch in this game, Rojjah's meeah presence has enahgized this team. Alex hit 3 grand slams, but to me Rojjah was the MVP of the game...weeah gonna peak in on Rojjah's post game showah and...I just came 17 times...

9:14 P.M. Rojjah sittin down to dinnah now with his sons Kody, Koby, Kolvert, Kameron, and little Kanceroustumor. What's this....oh holy Moses Rosenstein he's grillin a steak and it's...yes, it's a t-bone. You talk about blue collah work ethic...he's telling his butlahs exactly when to flip the steak. Rawcket is more down to earth than a bomb on Hiroshima.

11:11 P.M. And now Rawcket is getting his hair cut by....what is this?...yes, it's little Kanceroustumor...he's tellin him just a little off the top. You know John, a lot of people gave up on the flat top in 1962, but not Rawcket...he plays by his own rules (Brosius the Ferocious!)

11:13 P.M. Kanceroustumor has taken just a little too much off the top and...what's this...of all the dramatic things...Rojjah's beating him with salad tongs and they're...yesssss...stainless steel: just like Rawcket's testicles.

1:07 A.M. Rojjah's going to bed now...and checking down with our sideline folks we've confuhmed it: Rawcket's sheets ah made out of virgin skin. There you have it folks...and Rojjah should sleep well tonight knowing he doesn't have to pitch until the next full moon, as puh his contract. You know, John, I don't say this often about a playah, but if Rawcket isn't the second coming of Jesus then I'm turning towelhead and praying to Mahahmed (Bernie goes boom! The rabbits stole my klonopin!)


Coming sometime this week: we get animal fights off the ground.

That's what you get little bitch

Travis Johnson is my new hero, after his knee fucked the shit out of Trent Green's fragile little china-doll head. The best part is that Johnson got up and started taunting Green, while Trent lay there unconscious. Well that's just terrible, dtro, you might say. Fuck that shit. Green threw a dirty block leading with his head into Johnson's knees, which could very well have ended Travis' career, and therefore Green got what he deserved. The best part about the whole thing are Johnson's post-game comments:

"My knee ain't never hurt like it hurt today," Johnson said. "If you want to hit me, hit me in my head, hit me in my chest, don't hit me in my knee. I'm trying to eat just like everybody else. So, to hit me like that, that showed me what type of man he was."


"It was a malicious hit,'' Johnson said. ``It was uncalled for. He's like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn't looking and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don't like ugly, you know what I mean?'

Aside from the fact that Johnson totally misrepresented the plot of Wizard of Oz, I know exactly what he means. Fuck Trent Green, I hope his career is finally fuckin over. More from Johnson:


"I had respect for Trent Green at 12:00. At 12:20, FUCK Trent Green."


Fuck yes. Here is a real (pretend) conversation I had with Trent Green this morning in a Miami area hospital:


Dtro: How you feelin' today Trent?
Trent: Mmmmmflurble....I nnnnerrrffaaabooooo
Dtro: It's kinda hard to understand you with that feeding tube in there, Trent. Don't you think that was a dirty play you tried to pull on Travis Johnson?
Trent: (shaking head violently) eeerrrrrr nurgggglleee fiiiiiiisssssh (followed by a death-like throat rattle)
Dtro: Shhh shhh hush now Trent. You want some of this green jello? Here comes the airplane....

Guide to post-season baseball rooting: AL edition

Ok, so you've read my post on the NL and the Cubs just weren't good enough for you, you ungrateful scumbag. "Dtro," you say, "I don't like real baseball. Pitchers hitting is too boring for me. I want a league that allows people like Frank Thomas and Matt Stairs to have careers, and that can turn a flabby fuck like David Ortiz into a hero." Well then here you go moron:

Team: Eh, Big Papi's schtick is getting old. Kevin Youkilis is cool, I guess: the Sox have a much better Jew than the Mets (Where's Mel Gibson now? He's in rehab and Youkilis is playing first for the Sox!!). Manny Ramirez is the truth; I always liked that guy, because he's clearly batshit insane and doesn't care about baseball...in an endearing way (and I used to take batting lessons from his former coach, Mel Zitter: didn't work). Curt Schilling will hopefully die soon in some sort of auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Josh Beckett has blisters on his scrotum.

Fans: Here's where the Sox lose me. I have met maybe two people from the Boston area I liked, and I've met dozens of these people. They are all insufferable douchebags, who have gotten more annoying since the Sox won a couple years ago. They are led by the ultimate cockweasel, Bill Simmons. I really can't put into words the extent of my loathing for these revolting, shit-eating, asclowns and their merry band of post-2004 bandwagoners. Oh, and they're all racists (not a joke). Their accents are like nails on a chalkboard.

History: They went from 1918 to 2004 without a world series title. Since 2004, they went from root-worthy to nuke-worthy. And with all the money they've spent over the last five or six years they're quickly becoming the Yankees of baseball.

Team: I like this team. Hafner for some reason sucked this year, but he's normally a beast. Grady Sizemore is like the new Jeter, even down to the faux-mulatto thing, so fuck him. There's a guy named Garko, which is a name I like. Sabathia and Carmona are just sick as shit. Willie Mays Hayes runs like the wind. Pedro Cerrano is learning to hit the curveball with Jobu's help. Uh, Charlie Dorn is softer than a shit after Taco Bell....wait, who was I talking about?

Fans: According to Boyce, after a semi-recent trip to the Jake, the stadium was dead. No life from the fans. Of course, that all changes in the playoffs when they give everyone little white towels. Still there's those guys with the big drum out in the bleachers wearing war paint (What do you mean, too high?!! How is it too high? It's too far!!)

History: Last WS title---1948. They didn't win a pennant from 1954 til 1995, then lost two world series in a three year span to the Braves and Marlins, which is pretty shitty if you ask me. They were the subject of one of the greatest baseball movies of all time, Major League, which I grew up watching and which provided me with much of my Indians info for this post.

Team: Vlad Guerrero is fuckin awesome. Crazy power and plate coverage, laser-rocket arm in right, chronic spinal problems that are going to derail his team's chances in the playoffs. That last part isn't as fuckin awesome. Bartolo Colon was left of the postseason roster, which significantly lessens the chance of an on-field death by heart attack in these playoffs, dammit! I think Gary Matthews, Jr. is hurt, which is fine because he sucks and still makes the GDP of S. Korea.

Fans: Just like Dodgers fans (arrive late, leave early) only there are fewer and they care even less. Fuck your stupid fuckin rally monkey in its velveteen asshole!

History: Is there a history? Oh, yea the won the 02 world series and thereby prevented a roided up Bonds from getting a title and WS mvp after he hit like 17 hrs in 6 games. Within the past couple years they changed their official name to The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Fuck the heck?!!

Team: This is a pretty hateable selection of human beings, led by psychopath/megalomaniac Roger Clemens, who once called his 11 yr. old son a pussy for not throwing at another little kid's head. His son was playing right field at the time. What can you say about Jeter? Winner, leader, nobel prize recipient, organ donor, rapist. Captain Cologne truly does it all. A-Rod is the best baseball player alive, but is not a true yankee so I will not discuss him here. You should watch Giambi eat lasagna--holy fuck, he sweats more than Al Roker in a sauna. Andy Pettitte learned how to throw a cut fastball from Jesus himself (he learned how to make love from Clemens; actually he was forcibly taught how to make love). Is Scott Brosius on this team?

Fans: Fuckin mooks, all of them. They're response to this would be, yea well you're just jealous. No I'm not, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I rooted for this team. 26 rings, baby! Go to hell and die yankees fans (except not the ones who are my friends).

History: 26 world championships. A list of all-time greats: Ruth, Dimaggio, Mantle, Berra, Shane Spencer, etc. A 3 billion dollar payroll. Overrated stadium that is about to be torn down. Oh and they patented the term "mystique" in 1999.

Conclusion: Gotta go with the Indians. The Yank$, Sox, and Angels have the 1st, 2nd, and 5th highest payrolls in MLB respectively. Indians? 23rd highest, just behind the Royals. [ I see nothing hypocritical in the fact that I root for the team with the 3rd highest payroll. Nothing whatsoever. Shut up. Nothing.] The Red Sox fans and my general loathing of New England eliminates them immediately. The Angels are just kind of blah. The Yankees are evil incarnate. The Indians have gone by far the longest without a title in the AL, and that Rick Vaughn is one of the best stories in baseball this year: from California Penal League to big-league closer...that's how you turn your life around. That's the sort of stuff they write movies about.

Guide to post-season baseball rooting: NL edition

This post is for those of you whose teams have already been eliminated. Specifically, me and Boyce who root for a bunch of choking assholes, LCT whose team realized several months too late that Jeremy Bonderman is bad at pitching, and peanut whose Brewers just really weren't all that good after like May 15th. We'll start with the NL:



Team: Not really much too complain about here. Bunch of no-names, who somehow posted the best record in the NL despite being outscored by their opponents by 20 runs this year. They are commendable in that they subscribe to the philosophy opposite to that of the Mets, i.e. promote and play productive youngsters over washed-up veterans. This appears to have worked quite well for them, with a mildly productive line-up and stellar bullpen headlined by young players. And Brandon Webb is sick.
Fans: Do these people really exist. Phoenix seems like a large-scale nursing home and this franchise was invented in 1998 so there aren't too many out there.
History: They won a very memorable 2001 world series over the Yank$ on the strength of Randy Johnson, Curt Schilling, and the shittiest game-winning hit of all time. Personal note: I have been to two very memorable D-backs playoff losses: the Jeter Mr. November game (fuck Jeter, fuck Byung-hun Kim) and the Pratt walkoff homerun to win the 99 NLDS (fuck yea!!!). Does a team that is in its 10th season really deserve another championship? No. We don't need another Marlins.


Team: This is not a very good team. They finished with 85 wins in a joke of a division. They are headlined by Derrek Lee, Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, the most awesomely insane pitcher ever (the good Zambrano), and mad man Lou Piniella. And of course, they have one of dtro's all time favorite players in Cornelius Clifford Floyd, and a poor man's Eckstein in Ryan "The Riot" Theriot.
Fans: Chicago has a ton of cubs fans. They are the yankees to the white sox' mets. I've been to Wrigley a couple times and everyone seems incredibly drunk and not that in to the game. At first I was gonna count this against them, but really who doesn't love to get drunk? I can understand this when your team sucks year in and year out. They seem like pretty jolly people overall.
History: We all know the Cubs have not won the series since 1908, when Mrs. O'Leary's cow, a cubs fan, knocked over a lantern and burned down the city of Chicago, thereby cursing the Cubs for a hundred years. They haven't even won the pennant since 1945. Steve Bartman fucked them over, etc. Their history kind of sucks.



Team: Interesting collection of mostly young guys, with an old guy (Todd Helton) and the spawn of satan (Kaz Matsui) thrown in. Matt Holliday is pretty sick (except that he sucks on the road...hmmm) and Troy Tulowitzki is good and has a cool name. I know nothing whatsoever about their pitchers. They did sack up and go on a ridiculous hot streak to make the playoffs and won a crazy play-in game beating the most overrated closer ever in the process (but Holliday never touched home).
Fans: Once again, I gotta go the Arizona route and question how many Rockies' fans there really are. The team premiered in 1993 and most of these people are Broncos fans. I'll give them the beneft of the doubt and guess they have a more loyal following than the D-backs. Pankey, you do not count.
History: Well, let's see. The Rockies won the first ever NL wildcard spot in strike-shortened 1995, losing to eventual champion Atlanta in the NLDS. In 1993, they lost all 13 games to the Braves (only season sweep of that magnitude in NL history) and almost singlehandedly gave them the division in the last real pennant race ever. In 1997, Larry Walker, Dante Bichette, Vinny Castilla, and Andres Galarraga all had well over 30 hrs. and 100 rbis...yea Coors Field!



Team: This team should not be here. This should be the Mets. They were given this division, ok....they did not earn it. Anyhoo, Jimmy Rollins opened his fat ugly mouth and said they were the team to beat and I guess backed it up. He is very good at baseball, and would be elite if he could take a couple more walks. Pat Burrell is a fuckin d-bag who would not have a career if the mets did not exist. Ryan Howard is country strong. Chase Utley? Plays the game the right way? I guess if by right way you mean like a homo. Their pitchers all suck ass, except for Cole Hamels, who once survived a 10-month sojourn in the desert by eating Whole Camels.
Fans: As pankey told peanut, "Phillies fans are just too drunk and stupid too realize they're not at an Eagles game." Yup, that about sums it up.
History: Last WS title--1980. Last trip to the playoffs--1993...yea Joe Carter! Total losses, 10,000+ and counting.

Conclusion: Gotta go with the Cubbies. The D-backs are too new of a franchise to tie the Mets in all-time WS titles. The Rockies are a young franchise as well, and their history includes too much helping of the Braves. The Phillies are all baby-eaters (no seriously, I once saw Ryan Howard swallow an infant whole) and their fans are all Holocaust-deniers (no seriously, just ask one). The Cubs are lovable losers. They haven't won a WS in a century, their fans are jolly drunkards, and Julius Floyd (Cliffy's little bro) is a cool dude.

Tomorrow (or whenever I finish my english paper) we break down the AL.

Hell yes!

President Bush, using only his fourth veto ever, has axed a children's healthcare bill and has finally gotten something right. The proposed bill would have added $35 billion to existing programs to help insure more than 10 million American children. Bush said the bill was too costly. And you know what? he's right! How could something this important be too costly, you may ask. Well you know where that money's coming from? Higher taxes on tobacco that could raise the cost of cigarettes by 61 cents to as much as $1. That would mean when I go home I could be paying up to $8 a pack and that's just fuckin ridiculous...it's not like I'm buying a delicious chipotle burrito here. And besides, are these kids buying the cigarettes to pay for their coverage? Hell no! the fuckin freeloaders.


What's that, little Jimmy? You want health coverage? Well maybe you should've thought of that before you got leukemia!



(if you can't tell that this is a joke you're a fuckin moron)

Happiness always accompanies with you

Truly, these are words to live by in these dark days, when the Mets are not involved in October baseball, I have to read "Jews, Christians, and Muslims in Medieval Iberia: Convivencia through the Eyes of Sephardic Jews" and take an econ midterm, and gay wrestlers aren't safe to walk the streets at night. Thank you to the fine folks at Canal Express for bringing me such an ungrammatically uplifting fortune cookie.

In other news, the gtown community was saddened by the death of 105 yr. old Rev. James A. Martin, SJ (pretty sure he's one of the guys in this daguerreotype) on October 1st of extreme old age. Father Martin was the world's oldest living Jesuit. Walking back from the dining hall tonight with peanut we noticed a bunch of signs behind Harbin telling people not to park there, because of a funeral. Of course one douchebag had parked their grey station wagon right next one of the signs causing me and peanut considerable consternation. However, on reflection I diffused the situation saying, "It's probably just the priest's widow."

RIP Fr. Martin, and I'm sure happiness accompanies with you to the afterlife.

I'm so proud of you Peanut!

Because you know so much about education and you care about the little people.

Now accepting donations...

...to help pay for Pankey's red stripe and chronic. $8.25/hr from the GU Office of Advancement just isn't gonna do it. Post comments if you want to know where to send the money. In keeping with the spirit of the bet I will now commit ritual internet seppuku:


Oh, and congratulations Rockies and please beat the fuck out Pat Burrell and the Philthies.

"Look at macho man Randy Savage with his tank top"

Apparently this man was hate crimed against last week near the corner of 36th and P st. The alleged assailants yelled out the title of this post and followed the victim for a couple of blocks, saying stuff like "What are you looking at faggot?" and other various witticisms. Eventually, they jumped the poor retired wrestler and hit him in the head a couple times, and one stopped to compliment him on his buffness (for more details read this). Anyway, what lessons have we learned from all this:

1) tank tops make you gay
2) tank tops make you a gay professional wrestler
3) wrestling is fake and wrestlers are easy targets for random beatings
4) don't commit a homophobic hate crime while calling another dude "buff"

And if this dude really wants to look innocent of a hate crime, all he has to do is come out of the closet. He clearly thought his victim was buff and attacked him in a fit of lust. Now to leave you with some words of wisdom from the macho man himself:

"I can't sing. I can't dance. But I can romance. Yeeeeeaaaa!!!"

My New Haircut

Sometimes I don't miss NY.

FUCK!!!

Alright this is my first post, at a terrible terrible time. This may also be my last post (read the description above) depending on the outcome of the one game playoff in Denver tonight between the Rockies and Padres.


But it is that the real issue here? No, at issue is the fact that the Mets fuckin choked a huge donkey cock and blew it to the Phillies. It really boggles the mind. Seven up with seventeen to go. Only the fuckin Mets can do this type of shit. Maybe they realized they were getting a little too good, and Shea was getting filled with frontrunnin' d-bags (yes, it's somewhat true/ that's the nature of NY) and they decided to come back down to earth.

Anway, let's get to the particulars of my rant. Breaking down who the fuck we should all blame for this. In no particular order:


Tom Glavine: fuckin Brave pussy bitch...I never liked this guy, he fuckin ruined much of my early mets fandom, pitching every year in the playoffs in front of empty stadiums (the Braves may be America's team thanks to TBS, but they're not Atlanta's team)...he defected to the mets prior to the 2003 season in time to kinda suck for a couple years, then turn it around, win some playoff games for us last year, and totally shit the bed in what may be his final game and the biggest one of the 2007 season. I hope he retires, going out on a low, and then loses several fingers from his left hand to finger cancer or like a gardening accident...but he's only really responsible for the final nail in the coffin many other mets had been building for a long time

Ollie Perez: him I don't mind as much, but he really sucked ass in the Friday night game against the Marlins...how do you hit 2!! guys with the bases loaded? Until that night, though, he had been our best pitcher in September (except maybe Pedro) and he has kick-ass sideburns and a wicked slider. Ollie's still cool with me, but it would have been nice if he had come up big at the end


Jose: Dude, I love you. You are the awesomest baseball player I have ever seen. But what the fuck happened to you this year? Aside from April, Reyes was average-to-below-average the rest of the year and totally forgot how to hit down the stretch posting a .205/.279/.333 in September (only 5 SB). I'm just gonna chock this up to wearing himself out earlier in the year with all the steals, but when Jose sucks the mets generally do. He sucked when we needed him.


Bullpen: These sacks of shit are probably the biggest culprit, with the fool above the worst of all (just throw Spiezio a fuckin changeup! ahhh!! die!!. I'm no gonna get into numbers with these fuckers, but nobody could get anyone out the last couple weeks. Granted the starters didn't help them by going deep, but still fuck these guys. Honestly, what the fuck was Omar thinking when putting together the bullpen this year? Mota sucks at pitching. He gets caught using steroids (which happened to coincide with the only stretch he has pitched well in several years) so the Mets gave him a 2-year contract. Fuck you Chad Bradford. You want 3 years?!! Fuck that! Hey Scott Schoenweiss, you want 3 years? Sure, no problem. I heard you once started some games so that makes you flexible! Aaron Sele? You're still alive? C'mon on in! The only guy who pitched with any success in September was Aaron Heilman, and I don't particularly like him either. Even Billy melted down at the end of the year. Fuckin redneck



Rick Peterson: Why did everyone suck so bad all at once? Why didn't you fix Victor Zambrano?!! Take off your fuckin jacket it's like 87 degrees!!!!



Omar Minaya: We already went through the bullpen stuff. Heath Bell for Ben Johnson? Fuck...Brian Bannister for Ambiorix Burgos? Fuck. But really it's not worth rehashing those trades that didn't work--it happens. Still though, you gotta lay a lot of this stuff at the feet of Minaya. We had no pitching depth (Brian Lawrence is not depth) and it cost us. Why you gotta go and get Luis Castillo? Just to make sure a promising young player in Gotay doesn't develop? Dude, he's a Boricua, you could've left him out there.



Willie Randolph: Did you hear Willie's a winner? He comes from the Joe Torre school of management (hence the picture of him in the cap he should be and wants to be wearing) meaning no personality and no concept of how to use a bullpen. Willie actually is a bit unorthodox as a manager. He doesn't using charts or figures or scouting reports...hell, he doesn't even bother to use common sense or his brain...no, Willie uses his gut. His gut tells him what to do, but I have a sneaking suspicion his gut is a hockey fan or something. This is a real (pretend) conversation I had with Willie the other day:

Dtro: Hey Willie, what's up?
Willie: Not much just enjoying a toasted Subway sandwich. My gut really likes them.
Dtro: Cool, cool. So, I see you're gut likes Shawn Green too.
Willie: Sure does. He's one of my guys.
Dtro: But Lastings Milledge really seems to have come around this year and could almost certainly produce more offensively than him while playing far superior defense.
Willie: Not what the gut says.
Dtro: But Milledge OPSed .789 to Green's .782, but was given 280 fewer plate appearances. Not to mention he's like 137 years younger.
Willie: I don't know what those things mean, but I do know this. Shawn...he's one of my guys, ok. He knows how to play the game. You can't teach experience.
Dtro: What?!! That was nonsense. How is he gonna get experience unless you play him. Just cause you don't like a guy doesn't mean he shouldn't play if that hurts the team. What about Gotay? Were you relieved when Omar got Castillo?
Willie: Actually, yes. Thanks for asking. I was glad when we got Luis. He really knows how to play the game. He's a winner, kind of like me. He puts the ball in play, and that's exactly what we needed in the two-hole.
Dtro: But what if I were to tell you that Ruben Gotay is better at baseball?
Willie: That's really neither here nor there. Luis knows how to manage the game, ok. He controls his emotions and he's good at bunting. Did I mention he puts the ball in play?
Dtro: But Gotay gets on base just as well and has significantly more power than Castillo.
Willie: Castillo is a great defender and adds speed to the top of our lineup.
Dtro: Castillo's 32 going on 47, and he limps everywhere. He doesn't play great defense anymore. Not to mention the fact that almost all of our pitchers are extreme flyball pitchers, meaning outfield defense (i.e. Milledge over Green) is more important on this team.
Willie: No. My gut told me none of that stuff.
Dtro: Fuck your mom
The End

Alright, Willie is not a strategist. He's not good at in-game stuff. He doesn't know how to double switch. Whatever. He's supposed to be a great motivator and everyone likes him and all that kind of stuff. But, honestly every quote from him during this collapse was "I'm not really gonna say anything to the team. I trust my guys. We just treat this like a long season and there's up and downs and we just gotta go out there and do what wee've done since day one and...." Fuck that. We were in the midst of a fuckin' historic collapse (2nd worst ever based on the criteria in this BP article ) so fuckin something's not right. Stay the course doesn't and didn't work in this situation. Fuck that shit. And can he ever back up one single player when they're arguing with the umps. Nut up, Willie. Needless to say, I hope this lifeless jerk gets run out of town and coaches first for the Yanks for the next 12 years.

That's it for today. Let's go Pads! I don't wanna die!!