Attention people trying to throw/attend house parties around Georgetown: be on the look out for the above people. Washington, DC's Metropolitan Police Department has announced that they will be stepping up the police presence in Georgetown by introducing a party patrol. Not to be confused with the Mets' Pepsi party patrol, who dress in Mets gear and come armed with t-shirt cannons, the MPD party patrol will raid townhouses dressed as Sammy Hagar and Robin Quivers look-alikes, and sometimes as mongoloids in white disco suits (and the captain of the patrol, with a patch on his chest, kinda looks like Kevin Costner) and come armed with tear gas and tasers.
Seriously, though, what the fuck is this shit? According to MPD Second District commander Andrew Solberg they will be targeting noise violations and out-of-control parties and looking to deter crime: “I think when people see a lot of cops in their community, criminals are deterred," says Solberg. Oh that's really great, let's fuckin deter criminals in the one safe neighborhood in a fuckin city of slums. According to MPD's own stats on the Second District (of which Georgetown is a part) and the city as a whole, 92% of sexual assaults have taken place somewhere besides this district; 91.9% of robberies happened elsewhere; 94.7% of assaults with a deadly weapon, 94% of car thefts, and 100% of DC's 144 murders this year have taken place in other areas beside that immediately surrounding the Georgetown campus. However, these statistics fail to reflect the fact that Hoyas account for nearly 72% of DC's public urination, 79% of its beer-induced vomiting, and 99% of its horrible group renditions of Don't Stop Believin'.
Way to go MPD. Let's ignore the fact that almost the entirety of this city is a shithole and focus our energies on protecting the rich old white people from the rich little white kids.
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