NFL Playoffs

Happy 2008 loyal reader! Ok, so your favorite football team has been eliminated from playoff contention and you are wondering who to root for in the final 4 (other than the team you gambled on). Well dtro is back and is willing to help you figure out how to make a decision by breaking down the combatants MLB playoff style. Admittedly I should have done this a couple weeks ago, but then I would have had to talk about the Buccaneers and their diminutive QB (that's QueerBoy) and nobody wants that. I come to you as an impartial Jets fan, with no (i.e. many) preconceived notions about the teams competing:

NFC


Team: The Giants are a team built on defense, highlighted by their aggressive pass rush, which is led by Johnny Gap-Tooth and Dirty Osi (for more on him look at Boyce's inaugural post). They give most of their carries to a failed linebacker in Brandon Jacobs, and apparently Eli Manning doesn't suck anymore. Him being a Manning is a strike against them, but Eli is kinda likable in a doofy and pathetic way (sorta like the special olympics). Jeremy Shockey has a broken leg, which immediately reduces how much one should hate this team.
Fans: Some of my best friends are Giants fans, so I'm probably biased. Suffice it to say that they are passionate people, but can't tailgate nearly as hard as Jets fans. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Sorry about that.
History: Lost that Super Bowl to the Ravens a few years back (turns out there's a reason why white dudes aren't defensive backs...(cough) Sehorn (cough)). They won a couple Super Bowls under Bill Parcells in the late 80s/early 90s (Wide Right!). I can't go back any farther than that, but Phil Simms was the QB of those teams and when I listen to him talk for an extended period of time I begin to hear a loud buzzing noise and have violent seizures.


Team: The Packers are a young team with a strong defense (Atari Bigby is fucking sick), an emerging rushing game (Ryan Grant is from Notre Dame so he can just suck a dick), and a QB who makes Jesus look like fucking Hitler. Of course, everyone knows about reigning SI sportsman of the year and grizzled patriot/leader/messiah Brett Favre. Well fuck him and his fake retirement press conferences (I also have a theory about 38 yr. old QBs having career years and steroids, but we all know that only baseball players take steroids).
Fans: Packers fans are passionate and loyal, and include my roommate Peanut. They brave harsh weather conditions to watch their beloved Pack. They are part owners of their own team, which is cool. They also have a cult-like devotion to Favre and mass suicides are expected upon the announcement of his official retirement. Not cool.
History: They won the first 2 Super Bowls, but that's only because Joe Namath wasn't involved yet. Joe Namath would have thrown for 8 touchdowns against the Packers and then impregnated Bart Starr's wife, but I digress. Favre also won that Super Bowl against the Pats (before they had fans) and then lost the next year to Terrel Davis and the Broncos. Also Favre has the all-time record for Gunslings (and some other ones too, I guess).

AFC

Team: The Chargers, like the G-men, are a surprise entrant in this year's conference championship round. Best known among their stars is LaDainian Tomlinson, whom the media has decided is the best running back of all time (b/c his O-line has nothing to do with it) and is therefore deserving to steal the nickname "LT" from a truly great/psychopathic player. They are quarterbacked by Philip Rivers (ya better ask someboddddaaaaayyy!!), and their defense is led by roidface Merriman (still got lit up by Jones-Drew, bitch).
Fans: Who knows? I'm sure they have supporters, but I don't really believe in the fandom of Californians.
History: Mostly not good. They made it to one Super Bowl and got owned by Stevey "Brigham" Young. Of note to myself is the fact that K Nate Kaeding missed field goal after field goal in losing to the Jets in a wildcard game during the golden age of Herm Edwards. That's really all I got.

Team: Bill Belichick is the fucking anti-Christ, and no one can convince me otherwise. The Patriots are all a bunch of cheaters and rapists. Rodney Harrison did steroids, which everyone seems to forget (maybe he and Merriman can have a who-has-the-smallest-testicles contest at halftime). Tom Brady is a Michigan man, so I'm a little torn on him...actually, fuck that. Fuck Tom Brady right in his queer little chin-cleft. Wes Welker is a stupid fucking hick, with an extra 23rd chromosome (according to LCT). Randy Moss is the only guy I sorta like on this team due to his admitted potheadedness and he's widely loathed by most people.
Fans: (must control rage) Many people know about my disdain for Bostonians and supporters of teams from that area. I'm pretty sure 99% of Pats fans have Welker jerseys to just 1% owning Moss jerseys--take that how you will. I also genuinely believe that most Pats fans were unaware of/indifferent to the existence of this franchise pre-2001. Not to mention that fact that Bill Simmons currently has a column up on ESPN.com trying to decide who's better: the 86 Celtics or 07 Patriots....I do not have the stomach to click on this column and will not link it, but its mere existence ensures that if I ever were to run into the "Sports Guy," I would gladly take a machete to his genitals.
History: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady invented this team during the Tuck Rule game against the Raiders in January of 2002 and have had unparalleled success over the duration of the franchise' short history of 7 years. Drew Bledsoe never happened.

The true axis of evil

Conclusion: As a human being with any sense of decency I have to pull for the Giants and Chargers. I kinda want to see the Giants win the whole thing, so that Eli and Peyton will have the same number of rings, but that would mean Shockey gets a ring too. Hmmmm....I tentatively throw my support behind the Chargers (blech). Really, anyone but the Patriots.

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

OSI SHITS ON HOOKER TITS

McNabb thought a sack and forced fumble was
the worst thing Osi Umenyiora was capable of doing to him

As a Giants fan, I still have a team to follow. As a regular follower of black celebrity gossip via mediatakeout.com I have become privy to the following information regarding our star defender (which has since been taken down, by haters) :

"We hooked up and he had an unusual request. He wanted to pee on me. I thought it was weird but I did so because he said he it would really turn him on and he would see me again if I did. After I did so in his bathroom he handled his business and asked me how I liked it. I said, "I don't know how I feel about it. It was kind of crazy." - Whore

But it gets much better!

"The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing. He began flying me to Florida and Atlanta last summer paying my bills, giving me money for my kids as long as I let him well, "shit" on me." -Whore

Since his shit directly benefitted children, I see it as no less than a humanitarian act on par with anything George Clooney has ever done.




Shut the fuck up, Clooney............you fuckin' BITCH.

Song Lyrics Explained: LFO's "Summer Girls"

Today, we will make our second attempt at explaining the lyrics to a great song. Last time it was Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch." Today, dtro will tackle LFO's classic song "Summer Girls" (because it was on Peanut's XM 90s station just now). Without further ado (all pictures come from a google images search of "summer girls"):

INTRO
Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer Do you remember, Do you remember? ...when we met..That summer?? I like when girls stop by during the summer months. I am now going to devote this song to one particular girl who did that. So to that girl I ask: do you remember when we met that one summer? You know that summer when you stopped by?

CHORUS
New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits
Remember those guys. They had a lot of popular songs. You can look it up.
Chinese food makes me sick.
I am allergic to MSG. I therefore get quite ill when I order Chinese food, unless I request no MSG. Even then, I still get sick though.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer.
I like it when girls stop by for the summer, as I mentioned in the intro. In fact, I like it so much that I often refer to it using African American slang from the early 90s.
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch.
This may seem to come out of nowhere, but I really like girls who wear that particular designer. It's totally FLY!!
I'd take her if I had one wish.
Were some sort of frugal genie to grant me only a single wish, I would wish for a particular girl who wore Abercrombie and Fitch.
But she's been gone sine that summer...
I haven't seen that girl since that summer...
Since that summer
Since that summer when she stopped by wearing A&F

VERSE 1
Hip Hop marmalade spic and span
HAHA...I like starting songs with complete and utter nonsense ;)
Met you one summer and it all began
I met you one summer and then some stuff happened
You're the best girl that I ever did see
You are simply put the best girl I've ever seen. Just the best in general. But there could be a better girl out there; I just haven't seen her.
The great Larry Bird jersey 33
Larry Bird was good at basketball and his number was 33. I know it's kind of a non sequitur, but I like non sequiturs.
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Whenever you drink anything you emit a buzzing sound. It's very disconcerting.
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
I am on very personal terms with Elizabethan age bard William Shakespeare, who wrote a number of sonnets.
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
I am mute like Willy Whistle: this is a reference to a 1960s Boston area public broadcasting kids TV show host. I bet that totally fucked with your head. And actually I can speak, as evidenced by this song.
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Your eyes contained some sort of insanity-inducing agents. The mental issues they caused me play a large part in why I speak in totally unrelated, yet rhyming couplets.
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad
I cannot forget you, and it's making me really fucking angry. So not fly
Left one day and you never came back
You left me forever. I can't really blame you, though. I am crazy.
Stayed all summer then went back home
You stayed all summer and then returned home, probably due to work or school commitments.
Macauly Culkin wasn't home alone
Common misconception, but Macauly Culkin was NOT home alone. He was only an actor. His character, Kevin McAllister was the one who was home alone.
Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking
I thought we were deeply in love, but now we're not even on speaking terms. I was joking about that Willy Whistle thing: I swear I can speak. Speak to me, please. Please!!!
Michael J. Fox played Alex P. Keaton
On Family Ties. Remember that show. Yea, me neither
When I met you I said my name was Rich
I don't know why, but I gave you a false name when we met. My name is really Percival.
You looked like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
You looked like an A&F model, aka superduper hot!


CHORUS

VERSE 2
Cherry pez, cold crush, rock star boogie
hahaha...silly words are fun
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie
I used to skip school a lot, because school is stupid and reading is hard
Always been hip to the B-boy style
I like to pretend I'm black. It makes my white friends think I'm cool.
Known to act wild and make girls smile
Sometimes I do crazy stuff and it makes girls smile and laugh at me.
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Man the 80s were so fucking awesome. Remember that song Candy Girl. That shizz was the FLYEST!
Remind me of you cause you rock my world
You are my candy girl. You are the best thing that ever happened to me...please come back.
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
You are from the US state of Georgia, which produces peaches as a major cash crop
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
Georgia is also known for its mentally slow inhabitants, who are fond of lemonade
You love hip hop and rock n roll
You like 2 extremely popular genres of music
Dad took of when you were 4 years old
You're dad left when you were only 4. You probably have abandonment issues because of this.
There was a good man named Paul Revere
Non sequitur time! Paul Revere, you know the guy who beat the French in World War I or whatever. I didn't go to school very often.
I feel much better baby when you're near
I like it when you are near. Feel free to stop by...preferably in the summer.
You love fun dip and cherry Coke
But really who doesn't?
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
Usually people don't laugh when I make jokes. But you, you're a big fan of the knock-knock format and that's really all I got.

CHORUS x2

BRIDGE 1
In the summertime girls got it going on
Girls are much hotter looking in the summer, because they are not wearing stupid winter coats
Shake and wiggle to a hip hp song
Perform spastic movements to a hip hop song. I command you.
Summertime girls are the kind I like
Just though I'd go over that one more time.
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.
Remember that time I stole your bike? Yea, well if you don't watch it I'll take your fucking honey too. I'm like Winnie the Pooh motherfucker.



VERSE 3

Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
First line of a verse= total bullshit
My mind take me back there oh so quick
I am quick to remember that summer we spent together. It was basically the highlight of my life
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
You know that movie about the man who became a fish? No? It's from the 60s or something...man I gotta update my references
Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it
Really miss that summer a lot. For real
Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese
I like the color purple. The color, though, not the Alice Walker novel. And mac and cheese is fly too.
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
I like ruby red slippers. I have a pair but I don't wear them outside cause my friends make fun of me and call me things like "Dorothy" and "homo" and stuff. I also like trees...but only in groups, not individually.
Call you up but what's the use
I would call you, but really what's the point? You wouldn't even understand half of my pop-culture references.
I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose
I like Kevin Bacon, but dislike his signature movie. That's pretty silly, huh?
Came in the door I said it before
When you walked in the door, I reiterated a prior sentiment...
I think I'm over you, but I;m really not sure
I think I'm over you, but I'm probably not--you know, considering I just wrote a song about you

CHORUS

BRIDGE/OUTRO

In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Summer girls are always coming and going. I guess those are the only two options.
Some are worthwhile and some are so-so
Some summer girls are cool, and some are not. Again it's a matter of only two options.

How cool are these guys?

Vindication

I have been saying for a number of years that Roger Clemens was doing steroids. In fact, my friend Butter called me to congratulate me on being right. Actually, I took the idea from dtro sr. and kinda ran with it. Anyway, the Mitchell Report has been released in all its 400 pages of glory and it turns out that Clemens did indeed do steroids and HGH (and his little Christian butt buddy Andy Pettitte used HGH at the least).



According to his trainer, Brian McNamee, Clemens first used steroids in 1998 with the Blue Jays and probably obtained them from teammates Jose Canseco (that guy really got around). After he was traded to the Yankees in 1999, Clemens convinced the Yank$ to hire McNamee as an assistant strength coach beginning in 2000. Clemens then used various anabolic steroids and HGH during the latter parts of the 2000 and 2001 seasons. Pettitte was given HGH injections while rehabbing from injury during the 2002 season. Little Chucky Knoblauch (perhaps the 2nd most detestable human on those Yanks teams, besides Clemens) also was getting in on the HGH game. David Justice was also on board with this shit, along with some other former Yankees.

All of this means that the Yankees fucking CHEATED and the New York Mets should be crowned as the true 2000 WORLD CHAMPIONS!


However, the Mets are not free from guilt. For one thing, the primary source of information for the Mitchell investigation was Kirk Radomski, a Mets clubhouse employee during the mid 90s, who apparently supplied steroids to half the known universe during the late 90s and early 00s. Also, it turns out (not to anyone's great surprise) the Mets all-time single season HR record is tainted:

Radomski has known Hundley since 1988, when Radomski worked for the Mets
and Hundley played in the Mets’ minor league system.380 Radomski stated that, beginning in
1996, he sold Deca-Durabolin and testosterone to Hundley on three or four occasions. At the
beginning of that year, Radomski told Hundley that if he used steroids, he would hit 40 home
runs. Hundley hit 41 home runs in 1996, having never hit more than 16 in any prior year. After
the season, Radomski said, Hundley took him out to dinner.

Thank God Beltran at least tied that record in 06. Please break it next year, Carlos.


ROID RAGE! Yea, our old pal Paulie Dukes was on the juice during his time with the Dodgers. If only Omar had known, Paulie. You could've had a 2-year contract.


ROID RAGE!!! Woo!! Back to my original point that Clemens is a cheating, psycopathic scumbag. It appears that Clemens was using steroids in the latter half of seasons in order to avoid wearing down, because, you know, he is way too old to be pitching as well as he had been through 2006. Isn't it interesting that he decided to take a couple of months to "decide" about whether to keep pitching the last couple years after MLB has finally instituted comprehensive drug testing for anabolic steroids?

Alright, here's my question. Is the BBWAA going to keep Clemens out of the Hall? Or at least not put him in on the first ballot? McGwire's not getting in. Bonds probably ain't going in first ballot, even if he might make it eventually. Palmeiro's not going in. Clemens has to be punished too, right?

How great is baseball? The most dominant hitter and pitcher of my lifetime both are fucking cheaters.

Hey Omar! fuck your mom

Sorry I haven't been posting much loyal reader. I have been busy not doing my schoolwork on time.


Anyway, I'm not going to go into too much detail about the Lastings Milledge trade, because I spent most of my venom making comments on MetsGeek, and because my readership only marginally cares about the Mets.

Basically, Omar traded a talented outfielder, who is turning 23 next year for a catcher who hasn't been able to hit for 5 years (and whose defense is overrated and declining) and an ok outfielder who is 29 and has probably already hit his ceiling. Baseball-wise this is a terrible, indefensible trade that does not improve the Mets next year and will probably come back to haunt them in the years to come, especially considering we sent Blastings to a team in the NL east. Not to mention, this is only a superficial change asthe Mets have still not addressed their PITCHING!!! problem. If the Mets trade Jose Reyes for anything, even if it's like entire Marlins franchise, I am denouncing the Mets and becoming a Nationals fan.

I think the thing that really bothers me is that this feels like a non-baseball move, where the Wilpons told Omar to get rid of Blastings because of his supposed character issues. Except that I don't even really believe that Milledge had character issues, but was just a kind of cocky young guy who was unnecessarily excoriated by the terrible NY media because he was black. And even if that is the reason, why did they get Ryan Church, a guy who once said he felt sorry for those poor Jews, because they haven't accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior and are therefore condemned to hell. Only half of the Mets' fanbase is Jewish, though, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Anyhoo, I thought I would try to convey how terrible a trade this was by giving similar trade scenarios outside of baseball:


Dtro trades his iPod to his sister for a sony walkman and the Jagged Little Pill cassette.



Peanut trades a case of Sundrop for a bottle of Poland Spring, and a half-eaten sandwich to be named later.


Pankey has announced a trade sending LCT a QP of the chron-don in exchange for two jars of butthash and a Phish poster.


Dtro sells his soul to Lucifer for the ability to do sweet yo-yo tricks.

A Tribute to Donda West

It seems, Kanye West has continued on his quest to save music even in the wake of his mother's death. Dr. Donda West died recently after complications resulting from a tummy tuck and breast reduction. Dtro has received an advanced copy of Kanye's new tribute song to his mother (not to be confused with "Hey Mama" which sucks ass). Basically the song is a reimagining of Puff Daddy's "I'll be Missing You", with only a few words changed because Kanye has a hard time writing rap songs, and with a little old timey blues man singing in the background (they didn't have many intellectual property laws back then, so it's totally legal and ok for Kanye to jack songs from old black blues/gospel singers and use them in EVERY SINGLE SONG). Dtro has reprinted the lyrics below:

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the Oak
I played Atari, you bought me polos
So far from hanging on the block for dough
Oh Mama, they got to know that (Blues man: Oh lawdy)
Life in the burbs ain't what it seems to be
My words can't express your obesity
Even though you're gone, we're still a team
Fuckin Oprah fucked up your dream (Oprah)
When I die can't wait to see
If you in heaven lookin all skinny
Reminisce some time, the night doc killed my mom (Oh Lawdy)
Having flashbacks, like Vietnam
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
You'd give anything to have a smaller chest (smaller chest)
I know you're still living your life, Donda West

CHORUS (same as the Faith Evans one, but sung as a duet between Alicia Keys and one of the Jonas Brothers)

Kinda hard ever since you died
Know you in heaven, where you can "Touch the Sky" (clip from song "Touch the Sky")
Watchin me while I pray for you
Every day I pray for you
Why George Bush gotta kill Saddam? (because Kanye is socially conscious)
In my heart is where I'll keep you mom
Your mammaries gave me the strength I needed to feed
Now they gone and you are deceased
My thoughts, mom, about "Jesus Walks" (clip from song "Jesus Walks")
Wish I could turn back the hands of clocks
Buyin me ChiSox caps, Starter jackets, baggy jeans
So I could pretend I was from Cabrini-Green
Made me chicken soup when I'd start to cry
Still don't know why you had to die
You'd give anything to wear a smaller dress (smaller dress)
I know you're still living your life, Donda West

CHORUS

OUTRO (hard to understand, sung by Jamie Foxx in the Ray Charles voice)


Too soon?*







*Our thoughts and prayers are with Kanye and his family at this time. I do not want to offend people with this post, just wanted to make fun of Kanye. Oh yeah, you make socially conscious statements as long as there was already a movie about it starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Seriously though, I am sorry to hear about his mom.

There's Drugs Everywhere!!!

Two recent stories caught my attention, because I like drugs, toys, and to a much lesser extent fecal matter.

First off there has been a wide recall of certain Chinese-made toys throughout the US, Australia and South Africa, because they contain a chemical that when processed by the body turn into the date rape drug GHB. The problem was first noticed among Australian kids who ingested the toys and then proceeded to have seizures and pass out. The toys, which are called Aquadots in the US, have also been linked to a severe rise in sexual assaults and "date rapes" among kindergarteners nationwide, and a preprepre-teen pregnancy epidemic. Jimmy, a 4-year old Arkansas boy, said he realized the power of Aquadots early on. "I like aquadots. I put them in my friend Emily's Juicy Juice and then I can play doctor with her all day long."

On a side note, who are these parents giving their children little tiny balls made in China. For fuck sake, of course they're gonna try and eat them, because kids are fucking stupid. Although maybe this has taught some children a valuable lesson about self-respect and the importance of never demeaning yourself to the point where you allow balls in your mouth.

In other news , Mother Teresa up here could be a drug-dealer. That's right folks, there is a new drug fad sweeping teens of America: Jenkem. Butthash, as it is more commonly known (and as it shall be referred to on this site), is made from putting a bunch of piss and shit in a jar and fermenting it. You cover the top of the jar with a balloon, and then you huff that sweet, delicious gas. Sounds pretty gross right? But the high is far from shitty (haha). Butthash causes the user to pass out at first and then go on a euphoric hallucinogenic trip for quite a while. Check out this little dookiesmoker:

"It's not all bad," said Metamucil President and CEO, John Fink. "We've always done well with the older crowd, but this butthashish has really allowed us to crack into the 13-25 demographic."

One detractor of the new drug, MPD chief Antonio Jefferson, cited not only its serious health risks, but the rising level of crime associated with butthash: "We instituted the party patrol, but now I'm afraid we're going to have to add more cops just to deal with all those turdburglars."

(Thanks to LCT for the tip on butthash)

Update on last night's happenings

I'm not gonna go into details about peanut's personal life. Suffice it to say he had an eventful night. I did manage to capture a photo of him on his wild ride:

what is happening as of right now...

... is that Peanut has pulled a straight up Irish exit. We were at Fast Eddie's and he was doing a bunch of shot for his birthday and then he disappeared. Me and Turtle came back to campus and one of me and Peanut's roommates said he was back here and then left. According to Turtle his car (that his aunt and uncle lent him) is missing....so I hope he is not dead. If you are by any chance reading this as of the moment it is posted, please let me know if you see him. He is the same size as dtro, but kinda mexican looking.


In other news...if I hear any more shit about LGBTQ at G-town I'm gonna start gay-bashing some motherfuckers. NO! gay people do not get affirmative action! OK! Most of you LGBTQ folks at this school are wealthy white people, so just shut the FUCK up. I'm not homophobic...but I can learn.

Don Imus: American Hero or Fucking Douchebag?

Alright, well Don Imus, a shock jock who was fired for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," is back on the air. (Side note--a quote from Peanut's uncle: "Well, they did have nappy hair.") I didn't and don't really care that much about Don Imus, my only opinion of him being that he is a creepy androgynous scarecrow looking motherfucker, whose show appeals to old men, meaning I was forced to listen to it in the car with my dad a little too much.


I decided to break down some other takes on Imus. One is a recent op-ed from the NY Times by Dick Cavett and the other is a piece from Slate written, I think, before the nappy headed hos comment.

First, the thing by Dick Cavett is pretty terrible. He makes some valid points about everybody overreacting to the nappy headed hos thing and that most of the people (cough Al Sharpton cough) who were attacking Imus were only self-aggrandizing dickfucks. The rest of it is just Cavett licking Imus' bell-end and calling him a hero for being politically incorrect, all the while making it pretty clear that Imus is a personal friend of his. One little nugget really stood out for me:

Imus and his supporting cast were remarkably up on the latest slang, rap talk and inside argot of the music world, the sports world, the street and all minorities. They knew everybody’s trash talk. Hearing it helped the listener feel hip, too. Or at least hep.

They were up on their "rap talk," eh? I think that phrase basically means that they were not. They knew the slang of "ALL minorities"? Really? They knew all the latests phrases from Ecuador and Bangladesh, huh? You fuckin' mook. He made you feel "hep." Oh my motherfucking Lord, I don't even know where to begin here. You sound old as shit right there. I guess Imus had all the cutting edge FDR-Polio jokes, huh? Take that you PC liberal hippies!

Now onto the Slate article, which basically characterizes Imus as a racist/homophobic/sexist etc. bastard and criticizes all the politicians and other folks who went on his show. The article itself is kind of boring, but then the writer gives us a list of quotes from Imus, which is worth breaking down...

On blacks:

"We all have 12-inch penises" (supposedly racist comment on what he, Nat Turner, Malcolm X, Louis Farrakhan, Latrell Sprewell, and Al Shaprton all have in common)
This comment is laughable: it would make Imus the most well-hung hermaphrodite in history.

"Wasn't in woodpile, was he?" (on some black militant guy, who was found hiding in a shed in Alabama after exchanging gunfire with police...according to the author it refers to the saying "nigger in the woopile")
Just another example of Imus' amazing ability to create biting satire on modern America using phrases not uttered since the 1920s.

"Knuckle-dragging, moron"(racist take on Patrick Ewing)
This would imply that Patrick Ewing's arms are each like 6 feet 9 inches long, which would probably make him some kind of superhero.


On Jews:

"I remember when I first had [the Blind Boys of Alabama] on a few years ago, how the Jewish management at whatever, whoever we work for, CBS, or whatever it is, were bitching at me about it... I tried to put it in terms that these money grubbing bastards could understand."
You think CBS management aren't a bunch of money-grubbing bastards? And I find it noble that Imus took the time to learn Hebrew and Yiddish so he could better communicate with his superiors.

"Boner-nosed...beanie-wearing Jewboy" (on some Jewish Washington Post columnist)
Boner-nosed! Hahaha. That's called comedy, folks!

On Women:

"Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cuz she was a woman!"
Ok, he didn't say that. Just thought I'd throw in one of my favorite jokes.

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice"
I got jokes!

"That buck-tooth witch Satan, Hilary Clinton"
Pretty fair assessment, if you ask me.

On Gays:

"The enormously attractive Chip Reid, I can say without being accused of being some limp-wristed 'mo" (on some NBC political correspondent)
Never heard the phrase "limp-wristed 'mo," but you can bet I'll be using it from now on. Clearly, Imus cannot be accused of being homosexual since he possesses both male and female genitalia.

In conclusion, when trying to determine the answer to the title of this post, it seems that Imus falls somewhere in between American Hero and Fucking Douchebag. It's probably closer to the latter one, though.