Does this man look too old to be beating the shit out of big Russian dudes? Of course, he doesn't, but that is not even remotely the problem with the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of the Aliens who Landed in Macchu Picchu in 1500 in Generic-Looking Flying Saucers and Were Made Out of Super-Magnetic Glass and Had Mind Control Powers and Bestowed upon Mankind the Gift of Irrigation and Plows and Love and Whose Secret Treasure Trove was Full of the Greatest Treasure of All, Namely Knowledge. I'm not sure if that's the full title, but let me reiterate: "THEIR TREASURE WAS KNOWLEDGE! KNOWLEDGE!!!"
Don't look in the eyes! Aaaaah!
I fucking loved Indiana Jones. That to me was the greatest trilogy of movies of all time. They definitely beat the shit out of Lord of the Rings or Star Wars, in my opinion. Hell, between the ages of 7-11 I wanted to be an archaeologist. And now I just want to step on Stephen Spielberg's nutsack while wearing rugby boots. I have been hearing for years about a new Indiana Jones movie, and been patiently waiting as Spielberg and Lucas sifted through hundreds of scripts to find just the right one. And then they just said fuck it and did some stupid alien shit like they always do. As a stupid and entertaining summer movie, Crystal Skull is perfectly acceptable. But it is just so much worse than the other Indiana Jones movies. Allow me to explain:
- Indy is no longer an archaeologist. He is now Colonel Henry Jones Jr. of the OSS and CIA and Justice League
- Did I mention it's about aliens?
- The aliens look exactly like aliens, i.e. exactly like what all aliens in every movie ever always look like. Their spaceships are flying saucers.
- Soviets are a good foe. Except the super KGB task force with which Indy must do battle is led by a sword-wielding Cate Blanchett with a terrible accent. Not to be sexist, but a female villain just didn't do it for me.
- Karen Allen (the one from Raiders of the Lost Ark) left her acting ability behind in the 80s somewhere...perhaps trying to find her former talent could have been Indiana's quest.
- Shia LaBOOF plays Mutt Williams, Indy's greaser son. He is fine. Except at one point he swings through the Amazon on some vines a la Tarzan with a bunch of horrible-looking cgi monkeys and catches up to a speeding car. I'm all for action, even if it's a little bit dumb. But the action sequences were so over-the-top unbelievable in a way that makes the first three movies look like documentaries.
- The "history" stuff was just kind of thrown in. Obviously, the first three movies were not real history, but you sort of got the sense that Indiana Jones' background in archaeology and history was important to the plot. The history stuff in this one was: oh yea there was some conquistador and then...aliens!!!
- They threw so much random shit in there that half the dialogue seemed to be explaining exposition.
- You remember how in Last Crusade there were those dudes with the triple cross tattoo thing trying to keep the grail a secret? And they were really noble and shit and when the guy dies it's pretty sad. There are people like that in this one, trying to keep the Crystal Skull stuff a secret, except they're all scary looking "natives" and are ruthlessly slaughtered by both Indiana Jones and the Russians without a hint of remorse. Something tells me that if Indiana Jones was looking for the lost Dead Sea Scroll and its location was guarded by a secret legion of Heebs, Spielberg might have thought twice about the way those characters were treated in the movie.
Steeevee! I can haz job pleez?
I hear they're already working on Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Montezuma---it's about dinosaurs.
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