Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Who to root for in the MLB Playoffs: Abbreviated Version


Well, not these guys obviously. I still don't think this team is better than the Mets, they're just better at not sucking ass at the worst possible times. Although I must say I really enjoy watching games in Citizen's Bank Park. No, it's not because of the great sightlines, or those Luzinski pork sandwiches, or the newness and cleanness of it. I think it's because it makes me nostalgic for the Amity field on Knapp St. and Avenue V where I used to play when I was 11 and could almost hit homeruns...except Amity had higher fences so you didn't get those real cheap ones like at CBP.


Not these guys either. Why? Well, they traded the only guy I really liked on the team in batshit insane Manny Ramirez (more on him later). Of course you also have the fact that they are from Boston and are not only cheered on by the prejudiced fucks (yes, I am prejudiced against folks from Massachusetts, so what?) but also by a growing legion of bandwagon hopping dicks that rival only the late 90s Yankees fans in their number and loathesomeness. Plus the Sox have already won 2 WS titles in the lsat 4 years, and the Celtics won this past year, and the Patriots cheated teir way to 3 Super Bowl wins. Do the bastards up in Boston deserve to see another championship team? I say hell no. It's really amazing how fast these guys went from a team to root for in '04 to beat the Yankees to becoming the Yankees themselves.




Eric Karros, Mike Piazza, Raul Mondesi, Hideo Nomo, that other guy. Wha's not to like about this team? Wait, what? Why are these guys on this 50 year anniversary 2008 poster dealie? Anyway, I've always been a fan of Manny's (interesting note: I used to get batting lessons from a former coach of Manny's from when he played for Youth Service. Also of note, Mel Zitter never did shit for my swing). Obviously it would be great to see Manny succeed to the chagrin of those knoblickers up in Boston who did not appreciate the fact that, despite not caring whatsoever about the game, Manny is one of the best hitters of all time. Torre getting to the WS a year after the Yanks kicked him to the curb would also be fun. Also, they're not the Phillies and Hiroki Kuroda and Andre Ethier made some contributions to my fantasy team down the stretch. So I say, root for the Dodgers (even if Ned Coletti is a stupid jerk).


And, of course, your obvious choice for most root-worthy team is the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Yea, Devil. Let's not get bogged down in what the Mets might have looked like over the past four years with Scott Kazmir on the team and instead focus on the fact that this team went from worst to first in a division that includes the Yankees and Red Sox. The Rays winning would be a huge slap in the face to the high-payroll teams in their division and Akinori Iwamura wears a glove made out of the skin of a whale species so rare that none of you have even heard of it (at least, that's why I think he won't let people get a good look at it) which is pretty cool. Also, there's a chance that Matt Garza could hit Youkilis in the face with a fastball, and I think that's clearly a good thing for everyone.

Conclusion: Root for a Rays-Dodgers World Series. That is clearly the outcome that causes the most pain and suffering to the Yankees, Red Sox, and their dimwitted amoral slope-browed fanbases. Also, fuck the Phillies. In the end, I gotta root for the Rays to win it all, because screw Joe Torre.

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