In 7th grade we had a science fair sort of. Actually, it was a "consumer fair" where we had to find a product and test out different brands to see which was the best. Then we had to make a huge posterboard to display the results and be prepared to present our findings to a panel of objective judges. I had no idea what to do and I didn't get in with a group fast enough, so I just copied another group and did steel wool pads. I had Brillo vs. SOS vs. some generic Key Food brand or something. And you know what? They were all the fucking same, but I had to come up with charts and graphs and shit to show some sort of difference (and my mom used to opportunity to get me to clean the oven). Anyway, it was all a huge waste of time, especially since the other steel wool group blew me out of the water with a superior posterboard. But today I realized what I should have done all those years ago---KNIVES!
That's Warhol you cultureless mooksInspired by #1 on this list from Cracked, I now realize I should have gotten my mom to shell out a few easy payments to the good folks at Miracle Blade and Ronco so I could test out knives. I could filet fish, cut hammers, throw random fruits in the air and try to slice them, throw the knives at Derek Jeter or Leonardo DiCaprio posters (my two most hated people in those days..fuck Titanic!). Either way we'd have some sweet knives at home, and coming up with the experiments would have been significantly more interesting than those for steel wool. Really, though, this is not the time to dwell on the past; what's done is done. But we can still look to the future, and what people of the current time need to know is: which knife is best? Should we trust creepy leatherface Ron Ronco and the impressed American audience, or boring ass Chef Tony and the snooty French onlookers? (Commercials are in 2 parts) You decide:
VS.
I think I got most of the ads in there. As anyone who knows me well can tell you, I am bound to be partial to Ronco because, simply put, I think that is the greatest bit of programming ever put on television. Any time I see that ad I drop what I'm doing and watch. But since I just found out about Miracle Blade, I'll be fair and lay out the pros and cons of our combatants so you can make an informed decision.
RONCO Pros:
VS.
I think I got most of the ads in there. As anyone who knows me well can tell you, I am bound to be partial to Ronco because, simply put, I think that is the greatest bit of programming ever put on television. Any time I see that ad I drop what I'm doing and watch. But since I just found out about Miracle Blade, I'll be fair and lay out the pros and cons of our combatants so you can make an informed decision.
RONCO Pros:
- Gets rid of unwanted in-laws (har har) w/ obscenely small sandwiches
- Sharper than a samurai sword-BANSAI!
- Comes w/ tons of stuff (600 steak knives! solid flavor injector!)
- Cuts hammers, oranges
- Cheaper than those motherfucking $900 Kraut knives, those Nazi schmucks
- You apparently have to tell all your friends about them, which Ronco will monitor with high-powered surveillance equipment
- Personally delivered by Ron Popeil, who won't leave your house until you give him a fifth of scotch and listen to him talk about life back in the 19dicketies
- Can cut a pineapple....in MID FUCKING AIR
- Accuhandle super powers---rock and chop, bitches
- Perfection series presumably perfect
- Cuts hammers, oranges, sheet rock
- Works even for those with stiff hands
- Seems to appeal to I-ties
- Fewer knives and accoutrement than Ronco
- Chef Tony throws away everything he cuts; hey dickfuck, there are starving people in China and shit
- Seems to appeal to I-ties
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