8000 BC?Action: People are sinning and shit.
Reaction: God fucking kills everyone with a huge flood.
Consequences: Noah builds an ark and saves all the animals; forced incest for repopulation of earth. Evan Almighty.
Lessons: Yahweh will fuck your shit up. Steve Carrell can't really carry a vehicle without hilarious supporting performances.
6000 BCAction: The enslaved Israelites are shitting out kids left and right making Pharaoh nervous of their growing population.
Reaction: Instead of implementing a sensible family planning program like Communist China, Pharaoh decides to just drown all the male babies.
Consequences: Moses goes river rafting, talks to God, unleashes 10 plagues (including one that kills a bunch of Egyptian kids--karma, bitches) leads Jews out of Egypt, drowns army in Red Sea. Charlton Heston becomes a star despite being a crazy gun-nut with no acting ability.
Lessons: Don't go killing babies unless you're prepared to face the wrath of Yahweh. Charlton Heston was a dickfuck.
1776Action: British put taxes on tea and stamps and shit.
Reaction: American colonists start revolution, beginning around Boston because they do not like taxes. Fucking Massholes.
Consequences: Long, drawn out war of attrition. Birth of America. Mel Gibson makes The Patriot, which was just as long as but much much worse than Braveheart.
Lessons: Stupid ass Americans go apeshit over taxes. We are better than English people. Mel Gibson needed to chill on the period pieces.
1914Action: Gavrilo Princip assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
Reaction: Everyone goes to war over one dipshit.
Consequences: Like 14 million dead people or so; Soviets take over Russia.
Lessons: As George Washington warned us: avoid long-term or entangling alliances. Also, one dead guy is not worth a war. Except maybe Jose Reyes. I can't think of a WWI movie.
1941Action: The Japanese crash a bunch of planes into ships at Pearl Harbor.
Reaction: US puts Japanese-Americans in internment camps. Drops nukes on Japan.
Consequences: Presumably, an earlier end to the Pacific war. Fucked up radioactive people. This Carlos Menstealia bit. That movie Pearl Harbor.
Lessons: Don't crash planes into our shit, because America will fuck your country up. Mind of Mencia is probably the worst thing ever to happen to comedy. Michael Bay doesn't fucking know how to make movies despite huge budgets and tons of special effects.
2005Action: Dtro and teammate lose beer pong game to a couple of girls.
Reaction: I punch a hole in the wall.
Consequences: Nothing really.
Lessons: Punching a wall is an acceptable way to vent anger and frustration. I take beer pong too seriously. I drink too much.
2008Action: Some girl at work pours soda on Pankey.
Reaction: Pankey throws hot tea on her.
Consequences: Pankey is fired. Girl is not.
Lessons: You cannot pour hot liquids on girls, unless they ask you to or give you a look that tells you they want it.
1 comment:
Hey the tea was the closest thing in proximity. It was either that, or throw red wine vinegar at her. Either way i was getting fired.
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