Movie Review: Taken

Well, Etro was in town this weekend, which means we watched a bunch of movies. When you grow up with someone and live with them for 17+ years it's sometimes just better to watch a movie than to try to come up with new things to talk about. Aside from watching about 20 or so movies on demand we actually got off our asses and went to the theater to see Taken. Here are my impressions of that movie:




Taken was the story of Liam Neeson trying to get back his stupid-ass daughter after she got kidnapped in Paris. Why was she in Paris? Well it was her first stop in a summer trip around Europe to follow a U2 tour. Fucking serves her right. Just goes to show what I've always said: Bono is behind the majority of sex trafficking in the world. Also, if you want to go sing Vertigo at the top of your lungs with a bunch of 36 year old mongoloids you deserve to be pumped with heroin and sold to Albanian dockworkers.

So, anyway, Liam Neeson is a former CIA guy or something and he basically turns into Jason Bourne, going around Paris beating the shit out of people. It is a very simple film that delivers exactly what you expect; I expected awesome and I got it.

The good stuff:

-Liam Neeson shooting a former French colleague's wife in the arm to get information out of him. "It's only a flesh wound!"

-Liam Neeson lying under a dead body to hide before shooting another guy. "I don't know if you remember me. We talked on the phone two days ago. I told you I would find you."

-Liam Neeson forcing a little French douchebag to get hit by a truck.

-Liam Neeson taking out an entire boat full of Arabian guards using his fists, broken bottles and occasionally firearms.

-You get the idea.

The bad stuff:

-I find it hard to believe that it's really more cost efficient for the Paris Albanian mob to kidnap tourists than to transport girls from Albania to be whores. I get that they save on transportation cost, but kidnapping citizens from actual countries would bring on a lot of political pressure from other nations to stop this nonsense, right? I gotta assume that the extra attention from law enforcement would outweigh the costs of trucks from Albania.

-The daughter is annoying as shit. She's not hot, she acts and dresses like a 12 year old (she's supposed to be 17), she likes U2, she likes horses (WTF?! she's supposed to be 17!), she wants to be a singer (not happening with that body, sweetheart), ans she whines like a little bitch when Liam Neeson hesitates to let her go to Europe on her own. Hey guess what, maybe you should have listened to your dad, because you are now a smackwhore.

-Lack of hot female character. Sure you had Famke Janssen as the mother, but that was only a bit part. And the daughter's friend was hot, but she was a minor character too.

-That singer at the beginning could have shown a little more gratitude towards Liam Neeson for saving her life. Yaknowhati'msaying?

All in all, the good outweighs the bad in taken. It was a laugh-a-minute thrill ride or something. Ignore the parts that don't really make sense and just try to enjoy Liam Neeson shooting that chick in the arm, God that was great. I give this a 3.9 out of 4.7 on the dtro scale of goodness. Yeah, I changed the scale, so what? It's my scale I can do with it as I please. You don't like it you can go read something else you ungrateful prick. Wait! Wait, where are you going? Come back, you're my only reader! I was kidding. Please come back. Please. And tell your friends.