Tuesday Morning Dickfuck

Now I don't want to turn this site solely into a bashfest of the World Wide Leader. Nor do I want it simply to be a venue of nitpickery based on logic and stats like FJM (which it won't be, as logic does not enter into my arguments). However, I can't reserve my vitriol solely for the sports guy, because though he is homerish and stupid and annoying, he cannot ever rise to the level of phony-elitist asshattery that is represented by Gregg Easterbrook. Gregggggg has consistently bashed the Pats this year, which is fine by me, but his writing is so high-handed, preachy, and squirrelly that I cannot help but loathe him.


Now one could just say, "Congratulations to the 72 Dolphins. Pop those corks now, because you are still the only undefeated team in NFL history." Or you could take several thousand words to say the same thing:

"In other NFL news, at 10:06 p.m. ET on Sunday, as the Patriots left the field in Glendale, Ariz., mumbling '#@%*!' under their breaths, corks popped. In one of the sweetest traditions in sports lore, on opening day of every NFL season, each surviving member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the sole perfect team in modern pro football history, sets aside a bottle of champagne to cool. And it's genuine champagne from the French province of Champagne, not the boysenberry-infused sparkling-Gewurztraminer wine-like substance that passes for bubbly these days. At the moment the stadium clock hits all-naughts for the vanquishing of the season's last undefeated team, the 1972 Dolphins pull the corks, secure in the knowledge that they will reign as the sole perfect team for at least one more year. Gentlemen of 1972, enjoy your annual draught. TMQ feels confident you will continue to sip champagne each season until you are called to meet the football gods, and greeted by song and feasting."

Wow, you sir, are a dickfuck. "Golly gee, you just can't seem to get good bubbly these days! All-naughts! You see what I did there? Not Zeros...naughts! In case you plebeians didn't know, draughts is a longer word for drinks. Maybe I should've said quaff, though. I am so smart sometimes I do crosswords in Esperanto while blindfolded."

Though they are the only undefeated team ever, I am pretty sure the 72 Dolphins are nowhere near the best team in history. Some of those Montana-Niners teams come to mind. The mid-90s Cowboys. The 70s Steelers. The 85 Bears. The 07 Patriots. Those teams are all better, but at least the Dolphins got real champagne. I guess it's nice for seniors to have something to occupy their mind while scaring kids off their lawns.

Goddamn whippersnappers!